The Quotin'-ist Blog You Know

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 5 The List Strikes Back

2011-12-31T22:50:00.000-08:00

And now, before the end of 2011, the end of the List.

5. "Mother Simpson"-Season 7
Guest star-Glenn Close as Mother Simpson, Harry Morgan as Bill Gannon
Memorable quotes: Marge: Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past. Mother Simpson: Can't reminisce. Sleeping. (starts snoring)
Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I hate you, Walt freakin' Whitman! Leaves of grass, my ass!
Lisa: (turning on the dryer) So no one will be able to hear us... Bart: What!? Lisa: (turning off the dryer) All right, we don't need the dryer! Bart: What!?
Made me cry: Every time
Notes: This episode has a lot of great allusions to previous episodes, lots of heart, and we get to see a very human side to Homer. Love it

4. "Bart vs. Australia"-Season 6
Guest Star-Phil Hartman as Evan Connover
Memorable quotes: Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions! [He points it out using the Australian Flag, which inaccurately shows a boot kicking the buttocks]
Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! 'Cos as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".
Bart: Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. Homer: That's no reason to block the TV.
Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you. [Gus tends his swine]
Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. [they go down to a lake] Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?
Lisa: [weepy] Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.
Homer: [sniffs] Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son.
Made me cry: No
Notes: Too many great quotes to really narrow them down but here are some of my favorites.

3. "Lisa's Substitute"-Season 2
Guest Star-Sam Etic (Dustin Hoffman) as Mr. Bergstrom
Memorable quotes: Miss Hoover: "You see, class, my Lyme Disease turned out to be" (Spells on blackboard) "psychosomatic." Ralph: "Does that mean you're crazy?" Janey: "No, that means she was faking it." Miss Hoover: "No, actually, it was a little of both."
Homer: "Bart, does the class president get paid?" Bart: "No." Homer: "Does he have to do extra work?" Bart: "Yes." Homer: "And is this Martin Prince going to get to do anything neat, like throw out the first ball at the World Series?"
Bart: "Hell no!" Homer: "So let the baby have his bottle! That is what I always tell myself." Bart: "Thanks, Dad."
Made me cry: Yes
Notes: This one has some good quotes, but the reason I like this one is mostly because it is so sweet and we get to see some actual character growth from all the Simpsons.

2. "Homer's Phobia"-Season 8
Guest star-John Waters as John
Memorable quotes-Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little "festive" to you? Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam. Marge: He prefers the company of men! Homer: Who doesn't? Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho - mo... Homer: Right. Marge: ...Sexual. Homer: AAAAHHH!
Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us out on a drive today, and we're going. Homer: Whoa! Not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way. Marge: What on Earth are you talking about? Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FA-LAMING
Homer: You! I should have known. John: Good morning, sunshine. Marge: Homer, John brought us cactus candy. Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family! John: Well, now you don't get any candy. No that's cruel. Just take a teensy piece.
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now? Rosco: We work hard, we play hard.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Once again, too many good quotes to narrow down but certainly one of my most favorite episodes. That's why it's number 2.

1. "Lisa on Ice"-Season 6
Guest star-none
Memorable quotes-Skinner: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy. Bart: Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!
Mrs. Krabappel: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't gotten one right answer all day.
Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! (Flicks light on and off.) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown. Krusty: [singing] Oh say, can you see..La la la, da da light, what so proudly we... ya la la yah...oh... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.
Made me cry: Yes
Notes: I love hockey. I love the Simpsons. I love this episode. Period.

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 4 List Free or Die Hard

2011-12-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Our countdown continues with numbers 10-6

10. "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer"-Season 8
Guest Star: Johnny Cash as Homer's Spirit Guide
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Maybe we do have a--" Marge: "Profound mystical understanding?" Homer: "We do! Oh, Marge! We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote!" Marge: "Space coyote?"
Homer: "Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it."
Homer: "Look, just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!"
(Homer's silhouette can be seen in the lighthouse's spotlight) Bart: "Hey, look! Is that dad?" Lisa: "Either that or Batman's really let himself go."
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I've already blogged about a quote or two from this episode, so it seems fitting that it cracks my top ten. It starts out pretty normal, then gets really strange once Homer has the Guatemalan insanity peppers, but then levels out to a very sweet ending, including a dance sequence to the song about hot pants. Yeah, it's a strange one, but I like it in a way that even I have trouble understanding.

9. "Brother from the Same Planet"-Season 4
Guest Star: Phil Hartman as Tom
Memorable quotes: Administrator: "And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?" Homer's Brain: "Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!" Homer: "Uh, revenge?
Homer's Brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here." (The sound of footsteps and a door slam.)
(a homeless man sleeps in a dumpster) Homer: "Hehehe, Just like Oscar the grouch."
Homer: "For your information, I'm his father." Tom: "You mean the drunken gambler?" Homer: "Yes and who might you be?"
Ned: "Hey Homie, I can see your doodle." Homer: "Shut up, Flanders."
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Originally, this episode was supposed to feature Tom Cruise as the voice of Tom the Bigger Brother. However, at the last minute, for reasons that were unclear to the producers, Tom backed out and they had to use Phil Hartman. Now that they say the character was designed for Tom Cruise, I can see it. They created this character that suited his style in the 90s. Now they would probably just create a really short guy that jumps on couches.

8. "Hurricane Neddy"-Season 8
Guest star: Jon Lovitz as Jay Sherman
Memorable quotes: Homer: "I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. (to Dr. Foster) Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?" Ned: "Ho ho ho, very funny wise guy." Homer: "Oh, that's it; you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there grinning moronally." Ned: (to Dr. Foster) "Hi, neighbor!"
Ned: (to Lenny) "And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!" Lenny: "Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?"
Asylum Receptionist: "Would you like to be shown to your room or dragged away kicking and screaming?" Ned: "Ooh, kicking and screaming, please."
Homer: "Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheel-barrel full of love!" Apu: "And a cement-mixer full of hope, and some cement."
Made me cry: No
Notes: This episode is great because we finally see some depth to Flanders' personality. We were introduced to Ned's parents in the episode "The PTA Disbands!" and we discovered that they were a bunch of beatniks. Another one of my favorite lines from this one is when Ned's mom tells Dr. Foster, "You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin', and we're all outta ideas." It's also nice to see Flanders as a real human being, instead of the super-neighbor he had been in most of the previous episodes. This was one of the favorite episodes of another Simpsons fanat that I met while living in Mongolia.

7. "Much Apu About Nothing"-Season 7
Guest star: Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony
Memorable quotes: Bodyguard: "Sir, there's an angry mob here to see you." Mayor Quimby: "Does it have an appointment?" Bodyguard: "Yes, it does." Principal Skinner: "I phoned ahead!"
Crowd: "Down with taxes! Down with taxes!" Mayor Quimby: "Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?" Aide: "Dumber, sir. They won't give up the bear patrol, but they won't pay the tax for it either."
Homer: "Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm." Lisa: "That's specious reasoning, Dad." Homer: "Thank you, sweetie." Lisa: "Dad, by your reasoning, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away." Homer: "Uh-huh, and how does it work?" Lisa: "It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock." Homer: "I see." Lisa: "But you don't see any tigers around, do you?" Homer: "Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock."
Apu: "Oh, no! I fell asleep! I've forgotten everything Mr. Simpson has taught me!" Lisa: "Perfect. Let's go!"
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I love this episode from beginning to end. The bear who has come down from the hills "in search of food or possibly employment," the community's completely absurd reaction, the over-reaction by the government, another absurd reaction by the public leads to a knee-jerk decision to deport illegal immigrants I think about sums up the dynamics of government sometimes. There are small things that happen causing a huge reaction by the government which enrages the public, and so on. It's great, another triumph.

6. "Deep Space Homer"-Season 5
Guest Star: Buzz Aldrin and James Taylor as themselves.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, (sniffs) he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!"
Homer: "The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell! (sobs)"
James Taylor: (singing) "Sweet dreams and flying machines, in pieces on the ground. Oops. Uh, sweet dreams and flying machines, flying safely through the air."
NASA Man: "Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner."
Made me cry: Maybe when Homer is talking about when he could have seen Mr. T at the mall.
Notes: This one is great. I wish there were more than five numbers between one and five because I think this one should have been in it. We see Homer's rage finally come in handy twice, as his angry call to NASA puts him in the running to go to space and his rage at trying to beat up Race Banyon closes the door, allowing them to make it back to earth safely. We also see Homer getting upstaged by an inanimate carbon rod, even when he was a hero. He may have just pulled a "Homer," but he still deserved some credit.

Come back soon for the exciting conclusion!

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 3 Revenge of the List

2011-11-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been almost a month since my last post and I know all of you were just DYING to read my next five favorite episodes, so I'm sorry but this last month has been a very busy one for me as I was writing my capstone paper in an effort to graduate. So I think you'll forgive me. And now, without further "Apu"...

15. "Homer the Great"-Season 6
Guest Star: Patrick Stewart as Number 1
Memorable Quotes: Homer: "Ohh, why won't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"
Bart: "What do they do there?" Homer: "What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!" Lisa: "You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?" Homer: "Not as such, no."
Marge: "I don't want you stalking anyone tonight." Homer: "Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside to... stalk Lenny and Carl. D'oh!"
Homer: "I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is. And it's me." Marge: "You're not a god, Homer." Lisa: "Remember Dad, all glory is fleeting." Homer: "So?" Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March." Homer: "No." Lisa: "Dad I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!" Homer: "Everything lasts forever." Lisa: "Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless." Homer: "Remove the girl!" Lisa: "Dad you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackies to carry out your every--" (Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away)
Made me cry: No
Notes: Love the song "We Do," because it since the club is supposed to be a parody of the Freemasons, this song illustrates inexplicable things in our society that happen that some people attribute to some crazy conspiracy theory like the Freemasons making it happen. You know, crazy things like keeping the Martians under wraps and making Steve Guttenberg a star, stuff like that. I think my favorite line from this one is when Homer says, "I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is. And it's me." Such a classic Homer line because it's so disjointed from reality and narcissistic, but eventually Homer comes back down to Earth. And let's face it, we all know someone who wouldn't surprise us if he said he thought he was God.

14. "Lemon of Troy"-Season 6
Guest star: None
Memorable quotes: Bart: "That lemon tree is a part of our town. And as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!"
Marge: "Where are you going, Bart?" Bart: "Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. And now, I'm going to teach some kid a lesson." (Bart leaves the house) Marge: "I choose to take that literally." Bart: (yelling from outside) "Death to Shelbyville!" Homer: (raising his beer) "Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son. Tute on!"
Bart: "Ok, here's the plan: Nelson's tough guy, Martin's smart guy, and Todd is the quiet religious guy that ends up going crazy."
Bart: "Keep your voices down, men. We didn't come all this way to get found out." Homer: "Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble! Running away from home like this." Bart: "But they stole our lemon tree!" Homer: "I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree!?"
Made me cry: No
Notes: I love the references to the Trojan War in this episode, from the title to Homer commenting as they leave the motorhome they used to sneak into the impound lot saying, "No one in history has EVER done anything this clever." It's also interesting to see Bart be a part of something constructive, even if that something constructive takes place at the detriment of others. The parallels to Springfield that lie in Shelbyville are also great, like a Speed-E-Mart, Joe's, and the female Groundskeeper Willie.

13. "Brother from Another Series"-Season 8
Guest Star: Kelsey Grammar as Sideshow Bob, David Hyde Pierce as Cecil Terwilliger
Memorable quotes: Marge: "Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey." Homer: "Your mother's right, Bart. Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes--" Marge: "We're very proud of you, by the way." Homer: "--and sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could." Marge: "But, he's safely locked away." Homer: "In a medium-security prison." Marge: "For life!" Homer: "Unless he gets out somehow." Marge: "Which is impossible." Homer: "Or so you'd think! Except he's done it so many times before."
Sideshow Bob: "I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who've turned the saniJohn into a smokehouse! Coveralls that don't quite cover all! And a psychotic little boy who won't stop hounding me!"
Sideshow Bob: "Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at Clown College?" Cecil: "I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."
Lisa: "But everyone will know you did this!" Cecil: "Perhaps. Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal, you know, the one with the grudge against Springfield?" Sideshow Bob: "Now I know Cousin Merle has had his troubles with the law, but he's hardly a master crim--Oh. You were referring to me." Cecil: "Yes, I'm framing you. And I'm doing a really excellent job at it."..."By the way, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside." Sideshow Bob: "Well, obviously."
Made me cry: No
Notes: Any "Top __" list of the Simpsons that omits an episode with Sideshow Bob is lying to you and itself. It's hard to ignore the great episodes and lines that accompany Kelsey Grammar's character, and his voice is divine. I had a hard time deciding between this episode and "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming," which is another great one, but I decided on this one because of the Frasier references, and because in this episode, Bob is shown to have reformed but because of the system, is not trusted to have reformed. I used to watch Frasier as a kid and didn't understand a lot of it when they talked really fast about wines and such, so this episode seems a little like an inside joke between me and the show.

12. "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily"-Season 7
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Reverend Lovejoy: "Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
Homer: "What advantages does this motor car have over say, a train, which I could also afford." Car Salesman: "Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet, and the- (Homer drives off, comes back) -massages your buttocks. Well Count Homer, shall we discuss the-" Homer: "No we shant. Yoink!" (grabs tickets from man's pocket and runs)
Marge: "It's so quiet here without the kids." Homer: "What I wouldn't give to here Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. (speaks into saxophone) Saxa-ma-phone, saxa-ma-phone."
Cletus: "Pa, I done cut myself on the screen door again." Homer: "Why you cotton-pickin'! (Chokes Cletus) No, I gotta pass this class for my kids. Son, let's stop all the fussin' and feudin'." Cletus: "I love you, Pa!" Homer: "I love you, Cletus!"
Made me cry: Yes, and still does
Notes: This episode gives us a look into the dynamics that are in the Flanders' home and let's us see what happens to Homer and Marge without the kids. Homer often wonders what it would be like without children, forgets how many he has, or is one of the worst fathers ever, but this episode shows just how far Homer is willing to go to save his family. And yes, this episode makes me cry for realsies. I am bothered that Flanders goes to baptize the Simpsons so quickly, because I have known people that adopt or foster children and changing their religion or anything like that is a very long, drawn out process, so I'm a little bothered with how cavalier Flanders is, but then I remind myself it's just a show, I should really just relax.

11. "You Only Move Twice"-Season 8
Guest star: Albert Brooks as Hank Scorpio
Memorable quotes: Scorpio: "There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. There's Hammocks 'R' Us. That's on Third, too. You got Put Your Butt There. That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Matter of fact they're all in the same complex. It's the Hammock Complex, down on Third." Homer: "Oh, the Hammock District?"
P.A.: T minus 14 seconds. Scorpio: "If you need anything, you call me." Homer: "All right. What's the number?" Hank: "I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot."
Marge: "Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush." Scorpio: "We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace."
Homer: "I can't buy that. Only management guys with big salaries like me can afford that--guys like me! I'm a guy like me!"
Made me cry: No
Notes: This episode shows what would happen to the Simpsons far from the backdrop of their familiar surroundings and supporting cast. I love the Character that Homer winds up working for: A Bond-villain with big plans, who treats his employees with respect. Finally, when Homer is good at his job and gets respect from his employer, it turns out his family wants to return home and he works for a supervillain. I always love when Albert Brooks is on the show, but Hank Scorpio may be my favorite character of his. Bart being in the remedial class with the Canadian is one of the most quoted things in my family, and seeing the dynamic of Bart in a school that actually cares about its students is great.

Coming Soon: Epic parts four and five of the epic Top 27 list coming up epically...like a certain movie franchise I know.

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 2-List Harder

2011-10-29T08:21:00.001-07:00

I'll forgo the quote and stuff, as this series of posts is just that, a series. And so we jump right into number 20.

20. "The Last Exit to Springfield"-Season 4
Guest Star: Dr. Joyce Brothers as herself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh." Marge: "Hmm, that doesn't sound like they like you at all." Homer: "You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head." (the next morning Homer punches Lenny)
Dr. Wolfe: "How often do you brush, Ralph?" Ralph: "Three times a day, sir." Dr. Wolfe: "Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?" (Followed by the Big Book of British Smiles)
Kent: "Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur." Homer: "AAAAHH!" Kent: "Um, my director is asking me not to talk to you anymore." Homer: "Woohoo!"
Message: Eh, I'm not really sure. Dumb luck conquers all? I do like Homer's Stooge dance at the end of the episode when he has to step down as union president
Made me cry: A little, but only because dentists kinda freak me out.
Notes: I found out that Anthony Hopkins was originally contacted to play the dentist, Dr. Wolfe. Now I try to imagine his voice over the dentist's, and it makes me happy. Entertainment Weekly said that this was the best episode ever. I think they just said that because there are so many movie spoofs in this one, like the Godfather and Batman. So I guess I felt like I needed to include it in this list. Nah, it's a good episode.

19. "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"-Season 5
Guest Star: If you count Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
Memorable quotes: Homer: "(thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."
Homer: "Jump Willy! Jump! Jump with all your might! (cries)" (On TV) Woman: "Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he's crushed our boy!" Man: "Ugh, what a mess." Homer: "Ooh, I don't like this new director's cut!"
Bart: (about Principal Skinner) "He is like some sort of ... non ... giving up ... school guy!"
Message: Hotels expect you to steal a few things, if you skip school, you may wind up being the only witness to a crime, and Heaven help you if your principal chases you down as you skip school.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I originally made my top 25 list, but I had omitted this one. Then one night I watched it and realized that I needed to include it. I also like how Bart spells "Lincoln" in his vision as "L-I-N-C-O-N." Also, this episode shows even more how the Quimby family is like the Kennedys, which is great.

18. "Homer the Vigilante"-Season 5
Guest Star: Sam Neill as Molloy
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown!"
Ned: "Hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos!" Homer: "Can't talk, robbed, go Hell."
Kent Brockman: "Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?" Homer: "Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes." Kent Brockman: (pause) "Mmm, touche."
Message: Old people are not worthless. I love how Homer is so well-intentioned when he goes to get Lisa's saxophone back, and how easily he is distracted in his goal. However, true to his character, he does eventually get it back.
Made me cry: No
Notes: In one of my favorite spoofs of the series, the end few minutes is like the movie "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World," and even has the big "W" that the characters are looking for next to the big "T" the Simpsons are looking for. Also, I realized while watching this episode that Sam Neill's voice is as smooth as velvet.

17. "I Love Lisa"-Season 4
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as Rex
Memorable quotes: Ralph: "The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there."
Homer: "I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English..." Lisa: "I get the idea." Homer: "I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will."
Homer: "You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops." Chief Wiggum: "They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?"
Message: Be careful who you pity, "Monster Mash" is a song appropriate for any occasion, and this is how I learned that William Henry Harrison was only president for 30 days.
Made me cry: No, I am not Groundskeeper Willie
Notes: I had a really hard time with this one getting down to only three quotes as well. One of my favorites is "So, do you like, stuff?" but I couldn't include it because the nose bleed line is a classic. It's hard to go wrong with Ralph Wiggum, and throw in the added funny lines of Bart and Homer about going to Krusty's show, and this one is a classic.

16. "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"-Season 8
Guest Star: Dave Thomas as Rex Banner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony
Memorable quotes: Mayor Quimby: "You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?" Aide: (Quietly) "Election in November. Election in November." Mayor Quimby: "What? Again? This stupid country."
Marge: "Why do you have so many bowling balls?" Homer: "I'm not gonna lie to you Marge. (pauses) See ya!"
Reporter: "What about the beer baron?" Banner: "I suspect he was just a figment of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. (tries to laugh, chokes and coughs instead) Well, you all know what laughter sounds like."
Message: Reinforces that prohibition only works in the movies, wait, never mind.
Made me cry: Maybe only from laughing
Notes: I had a really difficult time narrowning down the quotes for this one too because there are so many great one-liners, and just about everything that Rex Banner said makes me laugh. I've loved Dave Thomas from his "Bob and Doug McKenzie" sketches and from the movie "Strange Brew." I'm part Canadian, so it's a part of my heritage, eh?

I'll be posting numbers 15-11 at around the same Bat-Season on the same Bat-Blog, so stay tuned!

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...

2011-10-18T10:59:00.001-07:00

"Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world."

This quote comes from Comic Book Guy Jeff Albertson in the episode "The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show." When asked about the preceding episode, this is what he responded with. Of course, the most iconic quote from CBG was in the same sentence, "Worst. Episode. Ever.", but I'm saving that one for a later date. It's just that this blog hasn't been around forever, and I don't want it to become cliche.

I wanted to use a CBG quote, because, as I promised about a year ago, I finally have my list of my 27 favorite Simpsons episodes. Why 27 you ask? Well, for starters, I have posted 27 times now, "27" itself is a Simpsons quote, and 27 is a funny number. Go ahead and find a funnier one. I have also been inspired by ESPN.com's NBA lockout filler NBA material, where they ranked 400 current players.

So here we go, my favorite episodes. The criteria is not standardized at all, but I generally like to have funny guest stars, numerous memorable quotes, a good message, based on a topic I like, and bonus points for making me cry. With that, I start with #27.

27. "The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star"-Season 16
Guest Star: Liam Neeson as the hip priest Father Sean
Memorable quotes: Marge: "Homer, you've been out all night, and it looks like you've accepted someone as your personal something...Were you at that Catholic Church?"
Father Sean's Dad: "Just like your mother, can't take a punch!"
Father Sean: "I was laying in the gutter picking up me teeth when St. Peter himself appears before me. 'Sean, yah wanker', he says, 'repent of your wicked ways or sod off!'. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight."
Message: Bart summarizes how I feel about the current religious world divide: "Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!"
Made me cry: No
Notes: Religion with the Simpsons is a bit of a toss-up for me. Sometimes it is really funny, like in this episode. Sometimes, it is just kind of uncomfortable. However, some of the stereotypical Catholic and Protestant scenes in the episode were great, like how the Irish angel told everyone in Catholic Heaven to "Dance, ye heavenly gobs!"

26. "The Cartridge Family"-Season 9
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Come to the NRA meeting with me and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more."
Sarcastic Clerk: "Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley!" Homer: "I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!"
Salesman: "But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives!" Homer: "I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are."
Message: Family is very important. Homer finally realizes that what he wants most in life is his family, and he can't have that as long as he has the gun.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I've used the Sarcastic Clerk's line listed above a lot. I'm not a gun person, but I do like calling people Annie Oakley for some reason.

25. "Homer's Enemy"-Season 8
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Grimes: (talking about Homer) "God, he eats like a pig!" Lenny: "I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck."
(Bart notices that the factory has collapsed) Bart: "Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!" Milhouse: "I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over."
Frank Grimes: "If this were any other country, you'd have starved to death long ago." Bart: "He's got you there, Dad."
Message: Not really sure, some people have to work really hard while others skate through life? I really like how bothered Homer is that he has an enemy. I have a feeling I would act similarly.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Bart and Milhouse's exchange listed above is one of our family's favorite quotes.

24. "Simpson Tide"-Season 9
Guest Star: Bob Denver as himself, Rod Steiger as Captain Tenille
Memorable quotes: Man: "Attention, Homer Simpson. you have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire." Homer: "Uh ... it's my first day!"
Lisa: "Be careful, Dad." Homer: "Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. (Homer starts imagining) Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?"
Tennille: "I'm a man of few words. Any questions?" Homer: "Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?" Tennille: (laughs) "I like the cut of your jib." Homer: "What's a jib?" Tennille: (laughs, then speaks to his sergeant) "Promote that man."
Message: The military is silly. No, just kidding. This favorite has less to do with the message, and more with the context. I love almost every line in this episode.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Great name of Captain Tenille. While on the base, Homer ties the perfect sheep shank, a knot for which his drill sargeant commends him, but then says he should tie the other end to the ship. I know how to tie a sheep shank. And they said I would never learn anything from Boy Scouts. The picture at the beginning of this post is from that episode, and I love it so.

23. "Behind the Laughter"-Season 11
Guest Star: Aside from the ones from the clips they showed, just Jim Forbes, the narrator
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Why did I take so much punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs."
Narrator: "The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?"
Lenny: "Even Bart was throwin' dough around. He paid me and Carl $1000 to kiss each other." Carl: "Hey, did we ever get that money?" (long pause)
Message: Not really present, but I love a lot of the lines from this one.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I used to watch "Behind the Music" on VH1 a lot when I was younger, and this episode was so much like that show that it was impossible for me not to like it.

22. "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation"-Season 14
Guest Star: Brian Setzer as himself, Keith Richards as himself, Lenny Kravitz as himself, Mick Jagger as himself, Tom Petty as himself, and Elvis Costello as himself.
Memorable quotes: Brian Setzer: "We'll start with the fundamentals -- playing a burning guitar with your teeth."
Mick Jagger: And no matter where you are, you always say "It's the wildest town in the whole damn world." Wiggum: "So when you said it in Springfield last year you didn't mean it?" Mick Jagger: "Yeah sure I did, but only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world." (everyone cheers)
Homer: "My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream!"
Message: I like how the family comes together to give Homer a chance to go to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, even though he's kind of a jerk on TV to them.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I love all the guest stars they got for this one, and the crying Kenny Loggins when Apu asks about crotch stuffing.

21. "Homer and Apu"-Season 5
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as the TV comedian, James Woods as himself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Hey! He's not happy at all! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that!"
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because I only need one!
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: Really!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: You!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening to you. Thank you, come again!
Homer: "Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
Message: You need to face your demons, people lie through song a lot, and James Woods is hilarious.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I had a really hard time narrowing this one down to three quotes from this espisode, there are so many. I wanted to include the line where Apu thought he was a hummingbird, or where James Woods is swearing at his oven, or when McGruff the Crime Dog is barking out a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or when Homer remarks, "That dog can sell anything."

Stay tuned for the next post, numbers 20-16!

"Spooky"

2011-10-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

"Boo. Exit to the left."

This quote comes from the episode "Bart Carny," when Bart and Lisa go to the carnival and ride "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," a "spooky" ride. The quote is toward the end of the ride where a repairman is working on something and sees the kids. He attempts to scare, and also to ensure the safety and well-being of all the ride's patrons. Other great sight gags include a spring shooting out of a coffin saying "I vant your blood!" and Bart surmises that it is probably broken, or when a skeleton comes down and is accompanied by the sound "Hee-haw" and Lisa remarks that it was just confusing.

I'm sorry if you, upon seeing the title of this post, thought that I would be talking about the Atlanta Rhythm Section. I will not. Shoot, I just did, didn't I? Anyhow, I'd like to talk about one of the four great American holidays, Halloween. The other great American holidays are Christmas (I know it's international, but come on. American consumerism has DEFINED the modern holiday of Christmas. Also, if movies are to be believed, Tim Allen is the acting Santa Claus, and what's more American than Tim Allen?), Thanksgiving (if ever there is another holiday that embodies the American notion of eating a lot, watching football, and glossing over ugly parts in our history better than Thanksgiving, I haven't found it), and the Fourth of July (Yes, it's patriotic and yes, it's America's birthday, but the reason it is a great American holiday is again because we eat delicious food like barbecue and then we blow things up. That's the American way).

I believe that Halloween is a great time of year for many reasons. 1) The candy. This is really more applicable for kids, but now I have to buy candy to give to kids. Jerry Seinfeld wrote a book about being a kid during Halloween, and he is absolutely right. The absolute euphoria that comes to a child's mind when they find out that everyone they know is just giving out candy. For nothing. All night. Now that I buy candy for kids, and I live on the third floor of an apartment that looks scary at night. And not the good, Halloween-kind of scary. That means that most of the candy I buy is not consumed by cowboys, astronauts, or Justin Beiber, but by me. And that, tender reader, is awesome.

2) The costumes. This holiday gives you the chance to be someone else for a night. At least it used to when I was a kid, and the person I usually wanted to be was a Ghostbuster. I forget just how many Halloweens I used as an excuse to be like Bill Murray, but it was a lot. Also, how many times can you pretend to be someone else without being mentally sized-up for a straight jacket by whomever you're talking to? If I were to dress up and act like a pirate on June 13, you would think I earned a one-way trip to a padded room and Bingo every other Wednesday. But for whatever reason, October 31 gives you almost diplomatic immunity-type leeway to be whatever you want.

3) The scaring. Again, how many days out of the year do people actually expect and want to be scared out of their wits? I like to be on the scaring end more than the scared end, but getting scared can be fun. What's even better than scaring or being scared, however, is watching other, easily-scared people get scared. This can be very entertaining if the ones being scared have a good attitude toward the situation. It can be very awkward if they suddenly have a bad attitude about being the one who is always being scared. Still funny, just not "ha-ha" funny. We happened to be in the company of such at a haunted forest last night, and they are the kind to have in front of you the whole time to avoid, how shall we say, unpleasant surprises.

My wife and I went to this haunted forest last night with her company for a work party. Never having been to one, and feeling generally throwy-uppy the whole day before then (having a Statistics take-home exam can do that to you), I was a little unsure of what to expect. My only clues came from "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," the "Tuesday the 17th" and "In Plain Fright" episodes of Psych, and every Scooby-Doo episode I've ever seen. Additionally, none of the people we went with had been to the haunted forest for more than five years. I have many theories as to why this is, foremost among them being, having seen the average age and maturity of fellow patrons, that once one has graduated from high school, it is no longer amusing to see high school drop-outs try to scare everyone in a dimly-lit environment anymore. The real scare becomes, "Holy crap, what mistakes did you make in your life and how can I avoid them?" But I digress.

Sidenote: I seem to say "But I digress" in this blog quite a bit. Should I perhaps change the title of my blog to reflect this sentiment? End sidenote.

I must say, the experience was not all-together totally unpleasant. Sure, there were unpleasant moments, like the Clown Room or when one of the frightened members of our group came up behind me and grabbed the back of my hoodie, causing me to do the same to my wife, causing her to do the same to the person in front of her, etc. And, like Dr. Frightmarestein's hangout and the ending of "Source Code," there were a few confusing moments as well. The old tribal warriors chanting stuff was one of those confusing moments for me. "Oh no, they're going to chant at me...heh, I like that guy's hat. It looks like a monster. Rawr, rawr, rawr! Heh heh."

Then there were things like the Swine Flu Room. That was just gross. Not scary gross, like an eyeball or something. Just gross. Since when does gross = scary? Granted, there are somethings I've seen in a gas station restroom going from Arizona to Utah, Utah to California, or Arizona to California, that still haunt me to this day. Why, why, why would anyone change their bandages in a gas station bathroom? Heck, even public libraries are more sanitary! It changes the whole situation from "Let's stop infection!" to "Anyone have a cure for meningitis in their pocket?" How is that a good idea?!?

Mostly, it was kind of gory. I'll admit, gory stuff is usually scary, but since when did it become that the only way to scare people was to show them a bunch of guts? If nothing else, Hitchcock showed us that suspense and thrills with minimal gore could be some of the scariest moments ever. Gore leaves me weak in the knees, but not because I was scared, but because I'm worried about things like eboli and botulism. My dad and I ran for the bathroom after being in one of those things that had raw ground beef for someone's brains or grapes for their eyes. That wasn't because we were scared, but because we watched 20/20 and knew the dangers that raw meat left out could bring.

But again, Halloween is a great time of year for all the reasons I mentioned, and because it is fall and the weather is beautiful. Oh, just in case you were wondering, we made it out of the forest safely, and we did exit to the left.

Love That Song

2011-10-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together!"

This is a song from the episode "Marge on the Lam" that plays twice in the episode: Once when Ruth Powers accidentally puts that song on at the beginning of the night, and again when Chief Wiggum starts a high speed chase. It's the kind of song that gets stuck in your head pretty easily.

I would like to take time to let you in on a little secret: When I like something, I really like it. So, for those of you that are my friends on Facebook, I will tell you that if I don't like your status, most likely it is nothing personal, I just take that kind of thing very seriously. I can't go around, liking everyone's status like, "Just made a salad!" or anything that tells you when to laugh out loud. Frankly, if I can't tell when to laugh out loud, you shouldn't tell me. Your status should tell me on its own merits. But I digress.

When it comes to music, when I like a song, I really like it. Like it enough to listen to it over and over again. This kind of behavior is not completely unmerited, however. I come from a heritage of this kind of liking. My dad listened to "Dream On" by Aerosmith until the grooves in his 45 wore out. Same thing happened for Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle," when he listened to it for the entire 30minute trip from the river we took with one of my friends. Also, on his iTunes account it showed at one point he listened to Peter Gabriel's "The Book of Love" over 100 times. So, just saying, I have some precedent.

The songs that I hear and instantly love and then listen to a lot receive a name, a specific name that conjures up just how I feel about them. I loving refer to them as my "Drug Songs." These are the ones that I seem to have stuck in my head constantly, but in a good way. I hum it, I whistle it, I nod my head in a quiet classroom to it when no one else can hear it but me. No matter how I try, I can't shake these songs. So, rather than try to go cold turkey, I embrace the madness. I don't really care, I can listen to these songs over and over again and not get sick of them.

Here is a list of my "Drug Songs" as well as I can remember them:
Current: "The Distance" by Relient K (originally sung by Cake)
"Dream On" by Aerosmith
"Never Been to Spain" by Three Dog Night (I love this one so)
"With or Without You" by Late Night Habit (not originally sung by U2. This is a different song. Completely different. No Bono here. Ever)
"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin
"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson
"Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys
"Sloop John B" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (originally sung by The Beach Boys)
"The Color Blue" by Three House (originally sung by Three House)
"Straight Up" by Halifax (originally sung by a box of mewing kittens, um, I mean, Paula Abdul)
"Cup of Life" by Ricky Martin (Ha! just kidding)
"Dragostea Din Tei" by O-ZONE (in high school. That kid is awesome!)
"Uyanga" by A-Sound (Mongolian)
"The Distance" by Relient K (just listened to it again!)
The jingle from State Farm Insurance
"Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses
"Chain Me Free" by The Matches
And, last but certainly not least, "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

So there you have it. These are the songs that make up my consciousness most of the time. I love music, but whenever you see me, just make sure you turn off that dang Raffi record.

Old Dog, Old Mistakes

2011-10-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

"Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing."

This quote comes from the episode "Homer Bad Man" in Season 6. This is Homer telling Marge that he hasn't learned his lesson about anything following his clearing of a sexual harassment case. It's a great episode from a great season.

It turns out I'm a slow learner. Even about stuff that I'm adamant about learning. That is, I'm a slow learner when it comes to unimportant thing. I have tried to tell people for years that I learned my lesson, and yet I stand here today, realizing I just broke my self-imposed rule about sports: Never, and I mean never, abstain from watching.

If you do not know me, I will tell you that I love sports. Playing sports is fun, but as a physical specimen, well let's just say that when they were handing out muscle, coordination, and skill, I was out taking a whizz. I also like to watch sports; football, hockey, basketball, and baseball, although the last two only if I have a dog in the fight or it is the championship. I like to watch the college bowl games around January because there's often not a lot to do on New Year's Day for me because I don't have to sleep off any hangovers. That, my gentle reader, is where my story begins.

When I was a freshman in college, I was dating a girl who did not care for sports in the same way I do. Like at all. She didn't like to watch football (which I should have realized right there was a dealbreaker), and since we went to different colleges, she didn't even root for BYU with me. She, being a good girlfriend, would watch BYU football games with me, but drew the line there. I, being a good boyfriend, didn't push it.

This leads us to January 1, 2007.

As college football fans will attest, this time is a glorious time for football. Surprising endings, trick plays, underdog victories, and general mirth-making are all trademarks of New Year's Day. And that is exactly what happened this year. Call me a sucker if you will, but I love a good underdog story. Against all odds, one person or group of people rise up to take their spot among the heroes and greats, remembered in history by people who have nothing better to do with their time. It's a part of our national consciousness as well; the Miracle on Ice in 1980, the "Iron Will" race in the 1940s, Rocky Balboa vs. Everyone Who Was Ever in a Rocky Movie. Even the founding of our nation was a group of ragtag misfits coming together to throw off the Redcoats (if I remember my history correctly. Paul Giamatti and Emilio Estevez were involved, right?).

The Fiesta Bowl played that year featured one of these stories: BCS legend the Oklahoma Sooners vs. ragtag group of BCS busters the Boise State Broncos. I really dislike Oklahoma. I don't know why, but I just do. Anyway, my girlfriend came over that night and my dad wanted to watch the game but knew my girlfriend didn't want to. So he went up to watch the game in his own room and left the two of us to watch a movie. I didn't have a team of interest, and I don't like watching Oklahoma, so we decided on the movie 13 Going On 30.

My dad would come downstairs periodically to tell me how the game was going. Things were looking bleak for the underdogs in the fourth quarter, so I was pretty happy to be watching Mark Ruffalo with my girlfriend instead of Oklahoma winning. However, things changed in the fourth quarter. I'll let you read about what happened here. Magically, Boise State came back to win it, and some are calling it one of the best games ever. All the time, my dad came down the stairs and asked, "ARE YOU WATCHING THIS GAME THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!" Upon seeing the movie we were watching, his face morphed into something I can't quite explain. It was a mix between shame, amazement, and that look in his eye when he realizes he can make fun of me forever for something, like the time I signed my first name with a star for the A. I still don't hear the end of it from my dad or his boss.

Right then and there, I decided that I would never miss another game like that again. In fact, come March, I filled out my March Madness bracket and was late to a date with the same girlfriend because I was watching the UCLA-Gonzaga game and didn't want my whole bracket to be upset while I was watching some movie starring Jennifer Garner and whoever is the decidedly sexy male lead. I learned my lesson, or so I thought.

I married a girl who likes to watch football with me. We've even gone to a few BYU football games together and have had a blast. Last night, she really wanted to leave the house and go out. We decided on going to the movie Moneyball. Last night also happened to be a BYU football game against one of our in-state rivals Utah State. This season, I have been very disappointed in the quarterback situation (Sit Heaps! I want Riley!), and I can only take so much disappointment, so I mended my rule and went to the movie. I assumed that either BYU would lose in spectacular fashion like they did to Utah, or it would be close and they wouldn't pull it out. I also dislike watching Jake Heaps throw the ball backwards, so I figured I could go to a movie.

I texted my mom after the movie to talk to her about it. She texted back saying, "You didn't watch the game? BYU just won. Exciting finish." I called her right then and found out that they sat ol' St. Jake, and put in Riley Nelson, who I like. I also found out that BYU's last drive went 96 yards and they scored a touchdown with 11 seconds left to win the game. My boy Riley went 10/14 for 144 yards and two touchdowns and 11 carries for 62 yards, and I missed it. Now, it wasn't exactly the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, but I actually cared about this one. My wife felt bad because she knows my story, but I had agreed to go to the movie and even chose which one to see.

So you can see, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.

Original Material

2011-09-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

"When there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope."
"Where did you get that?"
"From the producers of Waiting to Exhale."

This quote comes from the episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" from Season 11, in which Homer takes the family to live on the rural farm where he grew up. In this quote, he is trying to justify spreading plutonium over his crops to get them to grow to Marge. She finds his wisdom comes mostly from movie posters.

Does this sound familiar to you reading this blog? I hope so, it sounds like the whole point of this blog, that I am hardwired to live in this world through the lens of the culture around me, especially the Simpsons. This "talent" of mine, the ability to connect almost any situation to the Simpsons, is a blessing and a curse. It is a true talent, just ask my brother- and sisters-in-law. I gave them a demonstration when they came to visit not too long ago.

More to the point, I would like to discuss the blessing part and the curse part in more detail today. I have already discussed some of the curse part in a previous blog. Sometimes, when I go to make a joke, I fail miserably because the joke is funny to me because I love, know, and understand the Simpsons. Unfortunately, there are very few people like that with whom I constantly associate. Often the joke lands flat on its face.

However, there are a few benefits. For one, if there are people unlike me, when I make a witty Simpsons-related joke, it makes me sound like a comic genius (despite the fact that I have received NUMEROUS indications that I am not). Making people laugh is something that I love to do. So obviously, when I do, it makes me quite happy. So that's one of the benefits.

Additionally, it makes me think in the same kind of "humor vein" that the Simpsons are constructed in. For example, in class, we were being taught commands to type into a computer program to do our homework for us. Part of one of these commands was "llmean." The first thing I thought of, like all of you out there did I'm sure, was that sounded like a clothing store for supervillians. If you're like me, I'm sure that the first time you saw Spider-Man, you thought, "So he went from homemade spider clothes to tights? Where in the world did he get those tights? SOMEBODY TELL ME!"

Well, now it is no longer a mystery. Visit L.L. Mean for all your tights, capes, masks, death rays, flamboyant, impractical spandex needs! Sorry, had to include the add for our new sponsor. Ha! Just kidding. That joke got a pretty good reaction from my friends, and it's thanks to my talents that aren't going anywhere near South Beach.

However, there's another curse. I always feel bad whenever I use someone else's humor or jokes for my own purposes. My professors would be proud; I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I need to site the joke I just made. Well, he laughed. Mission accomplished, but should I tell them that I'm a shameless plagiarizer? Will a cadre of copyright police drop down from the ceiling if I don't spill the beans about how I came up with my line about kangaroos?

Eventually, people figure out that all I'm doing is saying Simpsons quotes. Then, every time I make a joke, they ask, "Where'd you get that?" Most of the time, from the Simpsons, Ghostbusters, Arrested Development, or something similar. But, when it's legitimately something from my own brain fruit, a lot of people think I've taken it from somewhere. A reasonable assumption, but it's times like that when I reevaluate my sense of humor. Am I my own person, or just an amalgamation of TV shows, movies, Internet cartoons and comics, the Mattress Police, and Jason Bateman?

I usually just drop it because I tend to get sleepy whenever I think about self-improvement or change. But I usually just walk away with a feeling of acceptance. I'm alright with that because I'm getting people to laugh. The other day I made my dad laugh without the assistance of the Simpsons, Red vs. Blue, or a blog by Rob Kroese (a difficult task that I've been trying to achieve since the age of six). Maybe eventually I'll develop a style of humor that can stand the test of time and won't fail me in social situations.

However, don't hold your breath.

Let's All Go to the Lobby...No, Seriously. Go.

2011-09-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

"Why do you watch comedies if you don't wanna hear more jokes?"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-(Annoyed Grunt)" after some of Homer's new friends say that the jokes he makes in movies aren't funny. This episode is a newer one, but I still like it.

I went to see a movie last night with my wife. The movie we saw is based on a very popular novel. It was quite the experience. I actually got to be in a theater with several people who had obviously never been to a moving picture show inside a theater before. Normally, I would have felt a little privileged to be experiencing something with the first-timers, like when you go to a football game with a small child or when you share the waiting room with someone who has never had a tooth pulled before. However, these people seemed to treat the theater like their own home, which, if true, means I never want to go to their homes.

First, we had a guy who didn't know the movie was recorded (The pictures! They're...coming...alive!). Since this particular movie was based on a very popular novel, a lot of the people in the theater knew what was coming. There was a particular part that people really liked from the book. Well, at this point, the gentleman began to cheer. And whoop. And cat-call and whistle. As if Emma Stone herself were there with us and could acknowledge his creepiness with a smile and a wave. "Woo yeah! Those images up there on that screen are awesome! Go pictures, go pictures! YEAH!" I've always thought that clapping in a theater is a useless gesture, unless the people who made the movie are sitting right there. Applause is primarily a way for the audience to show appreciation for a job well done and to give feedback to the performers. Those moving pictures are not going to bow, smile, wave, and say "Thank You." Does this guy also say nuturing, loving things to photographs of his family? I know the pictures look like your family, but they are NOT REAL. Not real.

But wait, there's more. Next to us was the one thing that drives my mother crazy at the movies. There was...a baby. Not just a toddler, mind you. This kid couldn't be seen in the carrier because it was that small. Now, bringing a baby into a theater is a cardinal sin in and of itself. I do have to make a confession here; my parents took me to see Ghostbusters II when I was ten months old and I'm fairly certain that is one of the reasons I love those movies so much. But, I'm also sure that they didn't CHANGE MY DIAPER IN THE THEATER. Yes, my good reader, this woman changed her baby's diaper in the theater. Where all of us were sitting. Quietly. Not changing babies. Because that's gross. How did I know she changed her baby, you ask? Well, for those who have never changed a baby, there is an unmistakable smell of baby wipes covering another smell that when present, leads to only one conclusion: she changed her baby in the theater. Heaven only knows what she did with the diaper because I didn't see her get up during the movie. That spoiled all my desire to buy over-priced snacks from the lobby.

As if those two weren't enough, we had the Commentator right behind us. I'm sure you've all had this person in your theater at least once. This is the guy who talks about what happens in the movie, just in case there are any blind people in the theater. His comments are often so innocuous and annoying he makes Bill Walton look like as intelligent and coherent as Bob Costas. All throughout the movie, we were treated to "Oh, there she goes!" when a character would go through a door. "Oh, there she is! Look at her!" when a character would look through the window. "Ha ha, that was funny!" when someone would make a joke. "I see what's going on here, she's going to tell the story so everyone else will be safe!" Thank you, Al Michaels. I'm sure all these people here would be completely lost if it weren't for you. It would be one thing if the commentary was something profound, like "the relationship between these two characters is reminiscent of the character growth we see in most po-mo works of fiction." Then I would just think he was a pretentious snob loud-mouth instead of a pretentious idiot loud-mouth. Instead of a good analysis of what's happening, we got the John Madden of movie theaters: "Well, when you have good actors with a good script, that's just good movies happening there." "Oh look there, Boom! that's a good line there." Truly ground-breaking analysis there.

I thought that theater-goers had to pass a test or at least take a class or something. But I guess not. Maybe I should make my own:
1. Which of the following should you say if you see a character on screen fall down?
a. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!"
b. "Whoa! He fell faster than Mel Gibson's credibility!"
c. "Woo! He fell down! Yeah! Woo!"
d. Nothing, you are in a MOVIE THEATER

2. Should your baby require a changed diaper, what should you do?
a. Change the baby in the theater
b. Take the baby to the bathroom to change him/her
c. Just let the baby sit in the dirty diaper until the end of the movie
d. Tell the babysitter to change the diaper because you left the child with one while you are at the MOVIE THEATER

3. True/False: The movie theater is just like your own home and you should treat it as such.

And remember, when in doubt, your comments are not funny.

Foreign Policy TV

2011-09-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

"Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so that we don't have to think all the time."

This quote comes from the non-thinking aficionado Homer Simpson in the episode "Bart's Comet" explaining to Lisa that there is no reason to worry about a comet streaking toward Springfield because the mayor has a plan to stop it. Great line. 'Nuff said.

I am currently enrolled in a U.S. foreign policy class, and during the discussion, we talked about why foreign policy is not decided by the people more directly more often. Many reasons were decided; my favorite is another Simpsons' line from Mayor Quimby: You're nothing but a bunch of fickle mush heads! And of course, naturally, as I'm sure you have all done by this point, we discussed what it would be like if U.S. foreign policy was decided by a show like American Idol.

First, let me say that if Ryan Seacrest is involved, I'm out. Get Justin Timberlake to host and I'm there like a donkey eating waffles. Mario Lopez just needs to stay far away too. I loved you on "Saved By the Bell," but c'mon. Sometimes it just reeks of desperation and the failed "Scent of Slater" cologne from the 90s. Seriously, there's got to be at least twelve of those shipping containers packed to the ceiling of that stuff. But, Mario, if it will make you feel better, I'll pay you $20 to come to my house in a brightly-colored tank top and curly-tough guy mullet and you can call me "preppy" all you like. Richard Karn, I have one word for you: No. Just no. Seriously. Leave me alone. I'm also sure I'm not the only one looking for the triumphant return of Kirk Fogg and Mike O'Malley to the hosting world.*

Second, that is impossible. American Idol? Really?!? I don't know about you, but I don't want to get stuck with the policy equivalent of Reuben Studdard (which I'm assuming involves sending millions of cheese steak sandwiches to Africa and apologizing for a lot of stuff in 2004). Worse yet, what if we wind up voting for the policy equivalent of Taylor Hicks: Sure, it's the best choice there, but it is obsolete the second it wins, only appeals to the older generation, most of the population doesn't get it, and creeps just about everyone out, like reviving containment of the Soviet Union?

If anything, the foreign policy TV show should be a combination of American Idol, where people could vote for options and the host is a cute, non-threatening, and tiny, and the Miss America Pageant, where they have to strut their stuff. We can even call it a scholarship opportunity for rising policy-makers and therefore not feel bad that all the contestants are beautiful women that only really represent a small portion of the population! Think about it: Have you ever been frustrated that you can't vote for Miss America contestants? Have you ever sat in your armchair while watching riots in the streets in Egypt and Libya and thought, "Yeah, I know just what to do right now. I'd do a better job too!"? Have you watched Senate confirmation hearings and been like, "No way! You're sitting Jones? She's got the stamina to run circles around these clods and she's totally clutch!"? Well, now you can do all these things in the Miss U.S. Foreign Policy Pageant! Although, these women would now be representing real things, like whether or not to blow North Korea to the Stone Age.

Of course, there will have to be limits on the voters. You know if that goes unchecked, there will be some shading dealings and trolling. "Bomb Israel" will be perpetuated by some mysterious person whose screen name is AQ&OBL4VR (That's the policy equivalent of Sanjaya. Dude would not go away). And of course, the popular site VoteForTheWorst.com would be visited by every Chinese nationalist and dude hiding out in caves in Pakistan that it would probably crash every time Time Urban came on the screen. Be careful if you go to that site; the CIA would probably be monitoring it for violations of the Patriot Act.

Seriously though, stay with me on this. Pulling out of Libya looked really good in the evening wear competition, but really suffered on the talent competition (Libyan traditional dancing doesn't play well right now). Well that's what happens when the competition is this stiff; some people just want it more. What's more is you'll never hear innocuous answers on the interview portion...no, wait, let me get back to you on this one. Then if the winner cannot perform her duties for any reason, the runner-up will take over. That could lead to problems, because what happens if the winner is a softer touch on Chechen terrorists, but she can't fulfill her duties because she's in trouble with a corruption scandal involving a soccer team and an illegal dance club and the runner-up was bomb Chechen rebels into oblivion? By the time the winner was cleared of the charges, there are no more Chechen freedom fighters. Yeah, we'll have to work that one out.

Coming this fall to NBC, it's the latest thing we've thrown a whole bunch of money at to recoup from losing all our viewers, the reality show where you, the uniformed viewer, get to decide the fate of the arms treaty with Russia! From the producers of Friends and 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show comes smash hit to decide the fate of the free world! Ten policy choices compete for your vote on this live thrill ride! Will we intervene in the Greek debt crisis? Where should the next G-20 Summit be held? Should economic sanctions continue on Iran? All this, plus one surprising twist you'll never see coming! Tuesdays at 9/8c, join the nationwide phenomenon that is trivializing the way the world conducts its affairs! Little thinking required!

Really. The "Libary."

2011-06-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

And now, we present to you for your reading pleasure, The Quotin'-ist Blog's First Angry Rant.

"Hi Angel Pie! Can you drive me down to the libary? I wanna rent us up some moovies."

This line is from Lisa, who is imagining herself as a fat slob married to Ralph Wiggum, with several little children living in a shack. From the episode Lisa the Simpson, a great one from Season 9. And now the rant.

I work, for those of you who don't know (or care to), at a public library (the actual library's name will be withheld to protect the fabulous). Whenever I talk about work around my family, they instantly say "Libary" in reference to this quote. This never bothers me, simply because I know they are joking. How do I know you ask? Because they know how to speak English.

Today at work, I was asked by a patron the following question: "I read on my Nook that I can go down to the libary and the libarians would help me download stuff. Can you do that?" It took every ounce of strength in my body not to tell this person to "be gone, lest my cane find your backside." It took every other ounce of my strength not to laugh in this person's face and ask, "You're joking, right? LIBARY!?!" With whatever strength was left in me I pointed her in the right direction (I think. I may have had a mini-stroke). Additionally, she even said libarians, as if they were the inhabitants of the country of Libaria. I wanted to say, "Well, us libarians don't care too much for them fancy techno-gadgery like a Nook or a Segway or a Microwave. You just take your classy gizmos and computer-lernin' on down to the Apple Store. I will help ya fetch some books though." But I didn't.

The Libary? What, is that extra "r" just a little too hard to say? Is there a new linguistic rule that says every first "r" when there are two in a word is silent? Or perhaps that if something is too hard to say when you're yelling at the TV, you can just shorten it to whatever you want? Is "Liberry" the new soda specifically for lawyers that tastes like berries*?

This ranks on par with confusing "your" with "you're." If I look through my sister's yearbook and see one more high school freshman write "your great!" one more time, I will know the public school system has failed. I may have to write back, "Eye now your want 2 go 2 teh libary w/ me. Doo u want 2 go 2mrw?**" It reminds me of those "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches they used to do on Saturday Night Live where Matthew Perry would write down the letter 2 or Minnie Driver would draw a picture of an eye for the letter I. The only difference is, I know most of the freshmen my sister knows will not be famous. Not even Matthew Perry-famous.

I wonder what other grammar problems people who say "libary" have. Do they protest that it is unpossible that they failed English? Do they someday hope to become the Super Nintendo of Public Schools? Is there ultimate dream to go to Bovine University upon leaving high school? When they get sick, do they complain of the bad things they ated? Do they spend their free moments wondering just how alligators manage to alligate?***

So my simple plea to those three people who read this blog is this: Please say "Library" correctly. It would be great if you said everything else correctly, but at least don't say "Libary." If you do, I'll be happy to show you the door and hand you your coat.

Thank you, this has been a Quotinist Blog Angry Rant.

*Get it? It's a play on words: Libel and Berry. Please lawyers, don't get offended.

**Ugh, writing that sentence made me throw up.

***These are all allusions to quotes by the misspeaker himself, Ralph Wiggum.

Newspapers

2011-06-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

"Sleep Important, Say Experts--Slow News Day Grips Springfield."

This quote actually comes from the Springfield Shopper, the main newspaper that often provides hilariousness...sorry, that's hilarious news, my mistake. This headline is from the episode Half-Decent Proposal where Homer's snoring keeps Marge awake and she becomes sleep deprived. Almost as if on cue (imagine that), this newspaper arrives on the doorstep.

I found this article in real life. Only this one was for a local paper called the Deseret News. The main headline, in bold letters so the whole world could see, and as our old friend Jeff would say "above the fold," was the headline: "Obama Worried About Economy." Really?!? He is? Well then, maybe I should too. You know, with an article this salacious, you would wonder why nobody else picked it up before now. Oh, wait. They did. THREE YEARS AGO.

Talk about a slow news day. When you have to resurrect a story that broke that long ago and has continued to be on the collective minds of the target audience since then, has changed the very makeup of the government, and has been hashed and re-hashed ad naseum for three years, you know you got nothing.

I'm just waiting for the headline after an eclipse: "God Steals Sun-Mayor Offers Sacrifices."

Holiday!

2011-06-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?"

This quote comes from Homer who is teaching Apu about America for his citizenship test from the episode "Much Apu about Nothing." This episode probably makes my top ten list, due to the best opening gag (a bear wanders into Springfield "in search of food or possibly employment"), Homer's logic about the Bear Patrol, and great lines about citizenship and patriotism. Mayor Quimby's line "ducking this issue calls for real leadership" I think sums the current political attitude toward, well, everything. But anyway, it's a great episode.

Since there is a holiday coming up that is one of the most important holidays, I figured that I should blog about it. It is a time where we look at how grateful we are to those who nurtured us, educated us, and gave us a role model to look up to. This holiday brings our attention to someone who protects us and worries us when that person makes silly choices. And someday when this person is old and sick, they'll need those who they raised to look after them. You know exactly what holiday I'm talking about: Flag Day. What, there's another holiday in June? No that's preposterous.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the lesser-known holidays out there: Flag Day, Arbor Day ("the best holiday you've never heard of"-Newsweek), Administrative Assistants' Day (a.k.a. the day the boss comes out of the office and asks why the heck there are flowers on the receptionist's desk), Armed Forces Day (Canada-'nuff said), Boxing Day (the day after Christmas to encourage people to go to the Montero-Valenzeula fight in Vegas), and the ubiquitous National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 it be on the horizon, spotted from the crow's nest, arr!).

These holidays need to be cared for and respected as the...you know what? Nevermind. I can't really type this with a straight face. With the possible exception of Administrative Assistant's Day--which happens to be the day before my birthday--most of the holidays on this list make great punchlines. So there you go, America (or the three people who read this), that punchline is on the house.

May the flag bring you good luck from its thirteen stripes.

P.S. I am aware that Father's Day is in June as well. Post forthcoming.

Overdue Mother's Day Tribute

2011-05-14T22:13:00.000-07:00

"You shouldn't have gone away on vacation."

This is a line from the episode "Homer the Smithers" where Homer (deductively) does Mr. Smithers' job of taking care of Mr. Burns while Smithers goes on vacation. This episode has plenty of great lines and sight gags, and it really shows just how old and busted Mr. Burns is.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this line have to do with Mother's Day? Isn't there a better one? How come you're a week late?? Well sir, first off enough of your silly questions. I don't get paid to write this so I'll do it when I feel like it ok? Ok, (sighs) second, the reason I'm a little late in doing this is twofold: One, amidst all the Mother's Day rushing and gift giving and thanking, most likely this post would have gone unnoticed and the work and attention I put into it would have become part of the flower-scented, mushy Mother's Day paste that is the way I try to celebrate Mother's Day. Secondly, aren't we supposed to be thankful to our mothers all the time? This is just a continuation of the gratitude we all showed on Mother's Day. Thirdly, this quote pretty much sums up my mother.

Now let me explain: This quote comes after Smithers goes on vacation and Mr. Burns finds that he doesn't need Smithers to wait on him hand and foot. After Mr. Burns fires Smithers, Homer says "You shouldn't have gone away on vacation." Now my mother is employed at a plumbing office as an administrative assistant. She has it in her head that some day her bosses will see that she is unneeded and she will be fired, just like the quote (Eh? pretty good huh?). She believes that at some point, in order to save money, the company will terminate her position. This, of course, is silly.

She is a great woman who can handle any job she's given at work, can multitask better than anyone I've ever known, and is super creative when it comes to problem-solving. She has been (repeatedly, I might add) assured of her job security by her bosses. Even if she is terminated (which she won't), she would have the skill set to get another job very quickly. This is so typical of my mother. She worries that she is doing a terrible job when in fact she is doing her job better than anyone else could. This worrying helps her to get better and better at what she does. This actually makes her more worried that she'll get fired. Go figure.

I like to think that this is a trait I've inherited. Although with things like this I'm usually wrong. I wish I could have this one, because it's one of the ones I admire in my mom the most. She did the same thing when she was raising us kids. She would think she wasn't doing well, when in actuality she was raising us better than anyone else could have. I'm grateful to her for doing this and wish I could tell her that more.

There was a time when I was in elementary school that my grades plummeted. I still remember that time in sixth grade when my usually prisine report card came home with, well, less than pristine grades on it. It took me a while after talking with my friends to realize that not everyone had a mother and father who would put so much care and attention to their children's academic success as mine did. It worked so well that the next time I saw grades like that was two semesters ago in college, nearly ten years later.

I love you, Mom, and don't tell you enough. You won't get fired unless you call your bosses names to their faces. But keep working hard because you are a great example to us kids.

Oh, and please take vacations. You're running yourself ragged.

P.S. If you are reading this and this shares some of the feelings you have about your mothers, please share it with them.

Bad, Bad Movies

2011-05-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Hey, didn't you direct A Natural Discretion?" "(Laughs) Well, yes I did." "Pee-yu, you know, I never walk out of a movie, but yecch!"

This quote comes from the seventh season, the episode called "Radioactive Man" where the popular comic book character gets a full-length Hollywood makeover. This quote comes from Homer who begins a conversation with the director of the film and expresses his obvious disliking of the director's previous work. I'm using this quote to inform all (one) of you of my newfound desire to watch bad, shown-on-networks-on-Saturday-afternoon movies.

I must confess, I have some qualifications for the movies I deem "bad." One: They must be trying to be good. This rules out obviously bad yet trying to be bad movies like "Nacho Libre," "Kung Pow," and essentially anything done by Will Ferrell with the exception of maybe "Stranger than Fiction." Two: No children's movies. More often than I'd like to admit, some children's movies are cliched, tired, or complete rip-offs of previous movies. This eliminates them because they will still make more money than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Also falling into this category are disaster movies, although I think some may be qualified as bad. The reason why is the premise of these movies is often completely silly or off the wall, and thus the movie has no chance. Three: I take no account of how well the movies did at the box office. As evidenced by the newly-created "Paranormal Teen Romance" section at the Barnes and Noble I visited today, people (especially tweens) are willing to watch and read just about ANYTHING (although I'm not one to talk; I'm sure there are things that I like but that are just terrible too), completely discrediting the theory that the "customer is always right."

My mother has previously written about this when we lived in Arizona and she contributed to the local newspaper. What inspired her is one film I wanted to mention, "Deep Blue Sea." It's amazingly bad, about super-smart sharks and the underwater research facility that comes under attack. I think the worst part is when (SPOILER ALERT) Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by the shark after giving a rousing speech. You know it's a bad one when L.L. Cool J makes it farther than Samuel L. Jackson. Also making it terrible is campy lines, the "perfect omelet" recipe that MUST be passed on to the world, and laughable special effects.

Next on the list of my favorite bad movies is one that I just watched recently is "The Shadow," starring Alec Baldwin about a man who reforms his life, learns to invade men's minds, and becomes a superhero patrolling the streets of New York. I know, potential, right? Well, the main villian is the last descendant of Genghis Khan who is inventing the atomic bomb (in your face, Robert Oppenheimer) who can also invade people's minds. Now, I'm not too familiar with a lot of Sir Ian McKellan's acting career, but I'm pretty sure this role is a low point. Additionally, when Alec Baldwin meets the villian for the first time, they discuss where to get the best ties on Madison Avenue. Throw in the most campy line of the movie after the villian insults America, "Hey, that's the U S of A you're talking about, buddy!" by Alec, and you have a fantastically awful movie.

Next up, the Cold War flick "Red Dawn." Starring such 80s stars as Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen (fresh from Warlock school on Mars), Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Gray, this film is about a group of high school students who wage guerilla warfare on the Soviet Union following the USSR's invasion of America. Alright idea, poor execution. From the incredibly hokey "catch phrase" of "WOLVERINES!" that the group calls themselves after the high school football team, to the townspeople telling the boys that "I pray for you!" and "AVENGE ME!!", to the final scene (SPOILER ALERT) where a sobbing Patrick Swayze carries his dying brother Charlie Sheen and that sight causes the hardened Cuban colonel to throw down his rifle in disgust. Yes, I am guilty of watching this one several times. It's possibly my favorite bad movie, a guilty pleasure if you will. So you can imagine how incredibly excited I am that it has been remade and will be released later this year!!! As if knowing that this movie needs to be bad, originally the invaders were the Chinese, but had to be changed to the North Koreans for fear of economic reprisals from China. Already this remake becomes even harder to believe than the original!

But you may be saying, "But isn't North Korea more likely than China to invade the U.S.?" And I would say, "They wish." Without delving into politics too deeply, after all this blog is supposed to be a little silly, North Korea is unlikely to stage a realistic invasion of the United States. Anyhow, I have extremely high hopes for this movie, and the only disappointment I have is that it is unlikely to have a midnight opening. I suppose those are only for the Harry Potters, Star Wars, and stupid Vampire movies.

If you have any suggestions for bad movies, please feel free to share them with me. Next on the viewing list, I have "Deep Impact," "Vertical Limit," and "Battlefield Earth." And please, don't walk out on it.

Finding a Way Out

2011-03-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

"Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact!"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Homerpalooza" in Season 7. This episode features many great guest appearances from music stars, like Sonic Youth, Peter Frampton, the Smashing Pumpkins, and Cypress Hill. Homer is musing about why people need new bands and how he got out of the loop in the music world. He later laments, "Now I'm lucky if I find half an hour a week in which to get funky."

I could use this to talk about how I got out of the music loop while on my mission. I could use it to complain about tween sensations like Justin Beiber (I don't even care if I spelled his name wrong. Just deal with it). I could use this to explain my sudden desire to listen to stuff I did when in junior high. But I won't.

I'm mostly using this quote because I'm feeling stressed for some inexplicable reason, and sometimes writing helps me to chill out or to at least put off studying for a test that I have today. I have to run off to my Microeconomics class in just a few minutes, but I felt like writing. And I haven't done it for a really long time.

I've had a strange desire to listen to the likes of Credence Clearwater Revival, Three Dog Night, AC/DC, Led Zepplin and the like lately. Maybe it's because I'm sick of the stuff I've been listening to. Maybe it's because it reminds me of a younger, simpler time for myself (you know, before I became an adult without signing some kind of waiver or application. There really needs to be one of those). Or maybe, it's because rock attained perfection around that time. If that's the case, Beiber just needs to go away.

Oh, by the way, if you're wondering why I capitalized Microeconomics, 1) you are too cerebral for this blog and 2) I'm hoping to appease the Economics gods by always capitalizing pronouns whenever I speak about It.

Learnin' and Burnin'

2010-11-01T12:58:00.001-07:00

"Every time I learn something new, it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?" "You were drunk!" "And how!"

This exchange comes from the episode "Secrets of a Successful Marriage," a stellar episode. This is Homer talking to Marge trying to find out how education is going to make him smarter. A great quote for what's happening to me currently.

I am currently about three semesters away from graduating with a bachelor's degree. I'm arriving at the point in my education where I don't think I can cram one more little piece of information into my brain (Come to think of it, there's probably plenty of room in there once I clear out these Simpsons' quotes, but what are you gonna do?).

When I was younger, it seemed that tidbits of information could be stored infinitely inside my cranium. I would hear or learn something, and suddenly it was there forever. It is because of this that I can remember who won the Battle of Saratoga in the American Revolution or who won Super Bowl I. But earlier this week, I went to take a midterm and wound up realizing my usual method for learning had for the first time that I can remember had failed me. I looked at the midterm, its letters seemingly reformed to say "Game Over, Mate" in the shape of a frog with an Australian accent (another Simpsons thing) and that's about all I saw for some time.

Convinced that all I had to do was rearrange some stuff up there, I began to rack my brain. Little snapshots of things flashed by and I was able to scratch out some kind of answer. I'm afraid I'll have to leave you in suspense as to how the test turned out; I haven't received my grade yet.

Oh and FYI, I drove home perfectly safely after the test. But I did burst out giggling for twenty minutes for no reason later that night . Oh well.

You Don't Need An Elephant for These Mountains

2010-10-06T11:04:00.001-07:00

"The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains, I hate them so much!"

This line comes from Homer after running away from a kidney transplant for his dad and is looking for a place to get away. This episode is not one of my favorites (a Quotin-ist Blog first!), but this line is one that I find myself quoting quite often, if not always thinking about it.

So, like several of my posts previously, this one comes as a result of one of my classes; in this case, my political geography class. The professor, dutifully preparing us for an upcoming exam, was discussing how the topography of an area can influence its actions or directions. The discussion turned to how mountains help to give protection and isolation, leading to diversified religious and ethnic groups and further disunity on the whole. All this due to mountains isolating people from the rest of the world. Wow, good on you if you read through all of that and still want to read more. "But," you may ask, "where is/are the joke/s in all of this? C'mon monkey man, make me chortle with delight!" Once again, good on you if those exact words went through your head. It took me several rewrites.

Well, I hate to disappoint my audience (a goal at which I often fail, just ask the audience at the sketch comedy group audition I went to a few weeks ago), so here is the transcript of the discussion I lead in my head with the class, my argument based on Homer's thoughts:

Me: But, Professor, why would groups seeking for relief go to the mountains?

Prof: Well, they offer protection, relative safety, isolation from bigger, possibly oppressive majorities, and a smaller group to govern over.

Me: Yes, but we all know the reputation of mountains...(strange looks from the majority of the class) You know, how they're jerks?

Prof:...I'm sorry I'm afraid I don't follow.

Me: You know, how they're mean. I know of a few instances where the mountains were rejected as a place to hide because it is very unforgiving.

Prof: Oh, because it is unforgiving! Yes, well mountainous living is not the most hospitable life, but it does offer relative safety and isolation.

Me: Well, there's that, and also because they are not very charitable places to be. Why not the sea? After all, "the sea forgives all," right?

Prof: The sea is even harder to live on than mountains. Disease is more prevalent on the sea, worthy vessels must be found, and no permanent, renewable crops exist on the sea. So if anything, the sea is more unforgiving than mountains.

Me: That doesn't make any sense.

Prof: What doesn't?

Me: The sea less forgiving than mountains? Not likely.

Prof: Do you mean to suggest that the sea literally forgives, as in absolving and providing relief in previous wrongdoing?

Me: Yes, isn't that what we've been talking about?

Prof: No, not even sort of. We have been talking about the inhabitability of areas for groups to become isolated from pursuing enemies. We, that is, the rest of the class, has been discussing the socio-economic, political, linguistic, and physical ramifications of a group settling in the mountains and what that does to the state and consequently the surrounding area. You, on the other hand, seem to have it in your mind that the mountains are vindictive, unforgiving, merciless, personified beings who wish to make life miserable for those who choose to live there, meanwhile the sea is the ideal place to live for someone escaping conscience.

Me: D'OH!

If you're still asking, "But, where is/are the joke/s? You mean I just read all of that for no reason?!?" you should have been in that audition crowd.

I don't remember much of the resulting actual discussion the class had. And again, good on you if you understood what the professor was saying. I sure didn't.

Space Stuff 'n' Junk

2010-09-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

"In your face, Space Coyote!"

This quote comes from the Spanish-titled episode (see? I told you I would quote from it more later). After receiving a message from a coyote in the sky (who is actually Johnny Cash) dealing with his soul mate, Homer goes on a spiritual quest to find his kindred spirit, who turns out to be shockingly Marge. Upon discovering this, Homer dances around in a circle in a sing-song and gives this quote. It's one of my favorites, but don't ask me why.

It is the third day of school as I post this. Maybe it's because I have posted 13 times and that's unlucky so I'm trying to make it an even 14, but I think it has more to do with my desire to show the universe up.

I have a class and a professor (both shall remain nameless to protect them. I have some powerful enemies) who are admittedly, unabashedly, and unrepentantly difficult and often reduce freshmen to tears. I am also enrolled in a History class that requires several chapters of books to be read each week. Throw on three other 300-level classes and being newly married and normal life stresses and sometimes it can feel like the universe could be against you. I know that all of you have had this kind of feeling before, like the odds are stacked against you and very little that you do will have any bearing on what actually happens. Well, I've got good news for you.

I don't pretend to have more experience than everyone else, nor do I have the answers to everything. However, some inspiration can be drawn from Homer's words here. He is indeed a very stupid and lazy individual, but even he can overcome the difficulties of the universe. And if he can do it, so can we. I'm excited to see the time when I can dance around and point to the sky and say with disdainful superiority in my voice, "In your face, Space Coyote!"

However, that time is not now. That astro-canine will have to wait for his comeuppance. Until then, my space coyote spirit guide will merely laugh as I try my best everyday. It seems that, like my sob-inducing professor, the universe likes to show me the chances of success and chuckle when I cringe. But I'm going to show the universe and my space coyote. I don't want to incur the wrath of the universe, so I'll just say that it will be tough and I am going to work as hard as I can. Hear that, Universe? I'm not asking for more, just declaring my intentions.

Good show, Universe.

It's been a crazy six months...

2010-08-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

"I enjoyed a brief but memorable stint as Sideshow Marge."

This line comes from Marge in the episode "Eight Misbehavin'" as the family discusses the past nine months that were skipped in the show's timeline for Manjula's pregnancy. I also like Lisa's "I became the most popular kid in school, but lost it all by being conceited," and Bart learning the true meanings of Columbus Day and Winter in those nine months.

It truly has been a crazy few months for me, and that probably explains why I haven't written for a long time. In fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts that no one even reads this any more...darn.

Anywho, I've been doing a lot, like working a ton at my new job at the Orem Public Library, a job that is pretty much awesome and is rapidly becoming the job I've been at the longest; just started school today; got married in July to the love of my life (see "Rejection Avenue" for more info about her); got our own place and are living the dream. Oh and once I saw a blimp.

So there's lots of stuff that's happened in the last six months...oh wait, it's only been five since I posted last! Well now I don't feel so bad. Man it's been a crazy five months...

And once I saw a blimp.

Power Ballad!!

2010-03-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

"Becky, you're a rose. Will you let me be your thorn?"

These words come from Otto the bus driver, proposing to his girlfriend as the classic Poison ballad wails in the background. This episode has some other great one-liners, but I'm using this one to get on a soapbox.

This song should be the anthem for the US now. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you even if you're not asking that. I will use just a few examples:
1. Rose: Being the world power is great. A lot of privilege, prestige, kickbacks, security, free trade agreements, Google, nachos, Disneyland, etc. It wasn't easy to be the world's leading power (or keeping it that way either), but following the Cold War, you know, that thing in history books kids learn about now, the US rose to be the world's only power. Rose.
Thorn: Everyone hates you. Except Mongolia. Just look at what's happened in the past few years: Western Europe, whose bacon we've saved on numerous occasions, has been frostier and frostier to us. Relations with South Korea have been declining. Sections of Islam see the US as the Great Satan. Latin America wants us to leave it alone (and I'm not just talking about Chavez). The UN ignores us and we it. And lest we forget, 9/11 was inspired by hate of the US. But at least Eastern Europe and Mongolia still like us.

2. Rose: President Obama as president. Now, before you freak on me, the fact is more that an African-American man was elected president. 40 years ago, that was almost blasphemy. But it has happened. He is highly idealistic, which has some up sides for the president.
Thorn: Well, I don't think I need to explicate too much. Health care. Spending spree. Extreme party division lines. Inexperience, both foreign and domestic. Highly idealistic.

There's probably more, but I'm trying to write this before class. Bret Michaels was really on to something, before that something was Celebrity Apprentice. Thank you, Otto, I believe I will let you be my thorn.

It's Been A While

2010-02-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Parents want to make sure their babysitter is ready for anything. That's why they hire teenagers."

First off, to those who read this blog, hopefully it is not a surprise to you that I have taken such a break from posting. It's been a ridiculously difficult time for me recently, and I haven't felt much like writing. But hey, you can't get mad at me for that right? Right???

Anyway, this quote comes from Marge, trying to explain to Lisa why no one has hired her as a babysitter. A great episode called "My Sister, My Sitter" from Season 8. And it's funny because it's true.

At least, that's what I would like. It seems like the real world (you know, the one where you find yourself in adult situations, like paying bills and working a real job) is coming at me pretty fast. As I think about it, I'm not ready. But, I never would have been ready for it when I thought I was.

I know I'm not the only one when he was a kid who just wished they could grow a mustache and be done with childhood. Ok, maybe the whole mustache thing, but you get my point. They say youth is wasted on the young, and I think "they" are right. I'm far from out of my youth, but oh for the days when all I had to do was go to high school and worry about my worsening complexion (high school is done, but the complexion remains...). The "real world" is encroaching on me quickly, and I find myself feeling ill-prepared. But then I see stuff that's happened to me in the past and especially recent past and I know that I'm closer than I've ever been. I don't have everything figured out (like everyone else does when they grow up), but I'm getting there. And I'm better off than I was when I was a teenager.

That's probably why we don't live like Benjamin Button; we all get older and wiser. If only Marge's words were true, I would have been ready for the longest time and life would seem easy. And if there's one thing I know, it's that NO ONE'S life is easy. Except for Taylor Swift.

P.S. The obligatory "Best Simpsons blank" Posts are just around the corner. I'm consolidating my favorite episode and quotes list, so finally my important opinion will be available to the world.

Oxford Is Losing It

2009-11-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

"Mmmm...Sacrilicious..."

This quote is from the episode "Homer Loves Flanders," this instance coming after Homer prays to receive tickets to a football game. In response to his prayer, Ned Flanders comes offering him a ticket, to which Homer turns around and yells, "Oh Lord, why do you mock me?" To which Marge replies, "Homer, that's not God, it's a waffle Bart threw up there." One of my favorite quotes that slips into my everyday vernacular.

So, the reason this quote gets attention is once again from my school career. This time, it was definitely a concerted attempt to quote the Simpsons by my Music 201 professor. We were discussing Shakespeare. And I know, the first thing that comes to your mind when I say Shakespeare is the Simpsons, right? Let me explain. Dr. Howard, my Australian professor, said that Shakespeare added an estimated 1500 words to the English language. The only other person to come close, he said, is Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons. He went on to say that words like "D'oh," "Cromulent," and "Craptacular" were added to the dictionary thanks to Mr. Groening. He then said that "Sacrilicious" is one that made it in there as well.

Now, as you all guessed, I was sitting there knowing exactly what he was talking about and laughing myself silly with it. But, when he said "sacrilicious," I was taken by suprise. I've never heard anyone but me say that word outside of the Simpsons universe. But apparently, other people are freaks like me. No big point, it's just nice to know that there are other freaks like me out there...somewhere...

P.S. 1,000,000 bonus points to anyone who can tell me what the definition of "kwyjibo" is.

Literature Never Dies

2009-11-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

"Shut up, Updike!"

This quote comes from Krusty the Klown after John Updike laughs at him. This after John Updike wrote most of Krusty's "auto"biography. It's not everyday that a fictional clown can make fun of a writer like John Updike.

The reason for this quote comes again from my academic pursuits. As a part of a humanities class I'm enrolled in, I must research a figure from our class discussions and find out what people thought of him or her in his or her day and also today (think Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but with less leg warmers and phonebooths, and more internet research and audible "whoa"s from me). I decided on Geoffrey Chaucer, author of the very famous "Canterbury Tales." And he's a writer. Like Updike. It works, ok?

While researching this, I stumbled across this interesting entry: "Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog." That's interesting, mostly because I didn't know guys who have been dead for 600 years could have access to the internet. Apparently the after-life has better internet service than Qwest. And, after reading a few entries, it seems our man Geoff has an affinity for the city of Las Vegas. You know, those dead poets are always looking for a good time.

So, if Geoff and I can have blogs, who's to say everyone shouldn't have one? I mean, really! Geoff actually writes in Old English, which is difficult enough to read anyway.

Geography? Nah.

2009-10-05T21:28:00.000-07:00

"Water doesn't obey your 'rules.' It goes where it wants to. Like me, babe."

First of all, sorry I have written for a while. But chances are if you're reading this blog, our relationship is not based on it. So I think you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Now, back to the quote. This one is from Bart upon losing to Lisa as they pour liquids down the sink in a race to the bottom. Lisa explains that reason she won is because of the Coriolis effect, eliciting Bart's response.

No, I'm not saying that I go where I want like water disobeying the laws of physics (but that is very cool to watch). On the contrary, in my Geography class last week, the professor taught about the Coriolis effect, and I almost had to leave the room because I couldn't stop laughing. You see, whenever a key word like the Coriolis effect from a Simpsons quote is said, my brain immediately makes the connection, thus bringing in all the quotes from that episode, this one being one of my all time favorites.

Suddenly, in the midst of 250 students, I was choking back giggles about Australia, giant boots, and the Marine Corps. Lines like, "What kind of sick country would kick someone in the butt with a giant boot?!?" "Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions!" and "I'm suprised he was able to write so legibly on his own butt." and "Just so you guys don't hear any wild rumors, I'm getting indicted for fraud in Australia." "Well, that's no reason to block the TV." and "I'm gonna report this to me member of Parliament! Gus! I got something to report to ya!" "That's a bloody outrage it is!"

For all of you that haven't seen that one, it's a wonderful satire on, well, the government and Australia. I highly recommend it. But, for those of you that can't quite understand how my mind works (and that should be all of you, because I'm not even sure), these lines could not get out of my head, causing me to completely miss the point of the lesson, and thus block my education. I'm not crazy, but am a little weird. And I'm sure that my mind, which works like a steel trap for useless information, will function on the exam. But I will never forget that moment when I almost wet my pants in front of 250 students, 4 TAs, and my professor.

Good times, good times.

Bobby McFerrin

2009-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

"Oh I'm happy! I'm very happy! La la la la la la la. See?"

These words spoken very forced by a ghost-Moe on "The Shinning" portion of the Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror V on season six. Trying to convince Homer that the family would be happier as ghosts like himself, Moe sings this little ditty as evidence. My personal favorite Treehouse of Horror is this one, not just because of the Shining reference, but also Groundskeeper Willie is killed three times in the same episode. It's great.

So, this begs the question: Why the heck did you put Bobby McFerrin as the title of this post? The answer lies in his one song everyone knows: Don't worry, be happy. (Sorry Bobby. No one knows any others.) It also begs this question: Andrew, are you really happy or not? Ok, well, it may not actually come across your thought process, but if you're reading this, chances are you give more than half a fig about my life. A good friend once asked me recently, "Are you happy?" To which I wasn't sure how to reply. He then wisely counseled, "Find out whatever in your life is keeping you from being unhappy, and fix it. Now." I wish to extend this counsel to all of you reading this.

The reason I say this is because I realize that I am actually happy. I know, usually I'm supposed to be sarcastic or something. I assure you that I will try my best. But now, I would just like to say that I have recently reviewed my life, and I am happy. And here are my reasons:

1. I have an amazing family that loves me even though I'm an idiot for most of the time. Yeah guys, sorry about that...consider this a public apology. I'm new at this. I am so grateful that I have this stability and love in my life. They are the best thing for me.

2. I recently returned from a two-year mission to Mongolia, a place custom-fit to me and a place I would love to return to. I spent that time preaching the word I love to people I came to love. It was the most rewarding and best investment on my life I have done so far.

3. I am enrolled at Brigham Young University. This is indeed a wonderful thing for me. About four years ago, my family decided to move to Utah two days before my senior year of high school began. At first, I was very resentful of this, but now I realize how many wonderful things it has brought into my life. If I had not moved, I would not have met many wonderful people who continue to influence me even to this day. I would not have gone to Brigham Young University where I am receiving a wonderful education and leads me to number four.

4. I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl that I met at BYU. We met freshman year at the Y and I left on a mission at the end of two semesters. Even though she and I both thought it impossible to be together, here we are after two years, both of us "tripping out" at the fact we are in fact dating. Again, without the move, I wouldn't have met her. And due to some recent events, I have realized how lucky and blessed I am to have her in my life.

5. I have a great job. And great friends. And great possibilities before me. The list could continue, but I will cut it short for your benefit.

So, am I happy? Yes, la la la la la la la. See? Actually, I am. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Jason Mraz and Relient K as I write this that has left me less sarcastic. Naw, I really am happy.

Rejection Avenue

2009-09-03T18:49:00.001-07:00

"Check it out, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the moment his heart rips in half. Riiiiiight nnnnnow!"

This gem comes from Bart, talking to hs sister Lisa after she dumped her "special" friend Ralph Wiggum on national TV and they are watching the replay in slow-motion. Good quote, good episode called "I Love Lisa," and good for me right now.

So, like the whole country, I started school this week. I am enrolled at Brigham Young University in Provo. As part of my studies this semester, I decided to enroll in a Writings of Isaiah class. For those of you familiar with this prophet, you know how difficult he is to understand and how symbolic he is. Well, I got a snootful of symbolism my first day there.

First off, I was late. I hate being late. Period. Especially when it's my own darn fault that I was. Man that's irritating...but I digress. I walk into this symbol-fest and there's only one seat left: next to a nicely dressed familiar-looking fellow. Turns out he's the great young man who interviewed me twice for a teaching position at the Missionary Training Center. You would think this would be a good thing, but I didn't get either position. Awkward point number one.

Next, the teacher begins to call roll. What should I hear but the name of a certain someone. The name took me completely by surprise because it is an old friend from Arizona, one I've had a massive crush on since junior high school. She wrote to me on my mission and I was excited to see her when I got back and hey who knows...maybe even take her on a few dates. However, about a week before school started, on her Facebook page was an update that she had a ring on her finger. It wasn't my ring, for those of you wondering. Well, there she was in the class sitting next to her fiancee. Awkward point number two.

I realized that this class would be an explanation of the symbols that normally would be lost on the unattentive. And I'm as unattentive as they come. Sometime I'll tell you about the time I was being hit on by a girl and didn't even notice. Again, I digress. The only thing that would have made this the rejection trifecta would have been my seventh grade math teacher who gave me my first F grade ever.

So, check it out, I could see the biggest moments of rejection in my life right before me. All in one class. Bring a camera and I'm pretty sure you can see the moments my heart rips in half. Don't worry about me folks, today I took control of the situation. No, I didn't break up the engagement or get the job at the MTC, but I'm just not caring anymore. So I guess this post has a happy ending. I found another job and someone else. In your face, Rejection Avenue!

Ahh! Memories

2009-08-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

"Sure, everything sounds bad if you remember it."

This quote comes from Homer after Marge recounts his experience at the previous year's Chili Cook-Off where Homer gets drunk and gets into the cotton candy machine. This is a great quote from season 8's Spanish titled episode. I don't speak Spanish so I can't really remember it. Rest assured, I will quote more from this episode later. It's one of my favorites.

The other day, my family and I were playing a game known as the List. For those of you who don't recognize this VH1's short lived series, many celebrities would gather and talk about what they thought was the best whatever. The best rock album, the best pop singer, etc. and voted on it to determine which really was the best. As much as we loved it, the show didn't last long, but since then, we have played it at parties and such. Well, we were bored one night (a common occurance in our house) and decided to play. We played twice: The best song-winner "Dream On" by Aerosmith and favorite movie-winner Armageddon.

Then we thought about another round: Favorite embarassing moments from our family. Soon a memory avalanche began: "Remember that time that Andrew plunged his own head?" "Or that time Andrew went to the bank to cash a check and asked for cash?" "Or when he was dancing in front of the whole stake with his buddies?" Oh, don't worry, it extended to everyone. "How about when Maddie couldn't see the Hoover Dam because she thought it was made of wood?" "Or the the time she said 'mazel tov' to the bishop?" "Or the time Dad slipped and used his embarassing nickname for Andrew's girlfriend right in front of her?" "How about the time we went to Huntsville to go on a winter snow ride for Mom but it turned out to be a cow pasture?" There were plenty more. I don't dare reveal any more.

There we sat, reveling in each other's misery and shame. Laughing it up at one or more people. I realized some very important things: First, I'm an idiot. Second, reliving the past is usually a blood sport with our family. Third, as much as these moments made me feel like a fool, they actually bound us closer as a family. I'm a firm believer that if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at anyone. And we experienced these as a family (I had plenty more that were with other people but they don't know about them), so we could laugh at each other without hard feelings. While I usually cringe whenever I hear my family say, "Remember the time..." I know that we're getting ready for some family bonding.

Everything does sound bad if you remember it, but at least there are some good things about it as well. And by the way, it was a clean plunger that I used, so no getting grossed out.

What Started It All

2009-08-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

"Cloud goes up, cloud goes down."

We have our friend Homer to thank for this one. After a heart attack, he is in the hospital reclining and sitting up his bed, saying "bed goes up, bed goes down." Bart and Lisa his children ask their Sunday School teacher what heaven is like and they imagine their father on a cloud repeating this to himself. From the episode "Homer's Triple Bypass," a great episode from the early years. Check it out.

This quote has a story behind it from our family. When I was younger, I quoted the Simpsons so much, my whole family got sick of it and wanted to mess with my head. So they began to throw topics at me to tie a Simpsons' quote into. And I mean ANYTHING. Mormon missionaries, tigers, St. Louis, bread, anything. And the best part was, I got them all. I even had a quote for Mongolia, a thousand bonus points to who can tell me that first.

Things took a turn for the serious when they threw a curveball at me: Your dad dying. I was almost stumped and it looked for a time that they finally got me. That's when I remembered the quote above and solidified my position as King. Victory is sweet. From that moment on, I never looked back. In fact, when discussing our family's super powers (that will be covered later), mine was mentioned that I can quote the perfect Simpsons quote at the perfect time. Wow, talk about a lame super power. Move over Rogue, Qaptain Quote now has the most useless super power.

Not too long later, our family went through several death-related tragedies. I am not the kind of guy who hides his emotions well, in fact no matter how many times I see Simon Birch, the sight of that dying kid still reduces me to puddles at the bottom of Niagra Falls. I will be the first to admit that these experiences were taxing on someone who has the emotional equivalent of warm Jell-o like yours truly. Our faith was the driving force that allowed us to get through those tough times still as a family and with our heads on straight. And this in no way detracts from the irreplaceable role faith played in this process, but if I'm not laughing, usually I'm depressed. So it was this image of Homer Simpson on a cloud like it was a hospital reclining bed with the words "cloud goes up, cloud goes down" that kept a smile on my face.

Say what you will about the Simpsons, but they can certainly help to keep things in perspective for you. And I promise that you can find something to brighten your day or at least give you a chuckle on those black days. After all, there's been 20 seasons for crying out loud.

P.S. Feel free to send me your topics trying to stump me. I haven't been challenged since that day. Bring it on.

Oh No, Another Blog

2009-08-23T18:16:00.001-07:00

"Now you've got a million people voicing their worthless opinions."

For those of you that don't know me (or wish they knew more), there is something important you must know before reading this blog. I am a Simpsons fan. More than a fan, less of a fanatic. Maybe just a fanat. In any case, this blog will feature a Simpsons quote with a little slice of my life (as if you wanted to know). The quote up top is a gem from Homer, the Simpsons' father to his daughter Lisa after she fought the media empire in her town. I share this with you because there is yet one more blog that no one will read to clog up the internet. Following the example of my dad (It's Nothing to Laugh At) and older sister (Welcome to Mommybrain and obviously the most talented one in our family), I have decided to share a quick slice of life with a sarcastic spin on life (but what's new?).

So thank you now for going along with this. I hope to bring a little joy into your lives and mine by voicing my worthless opinions set to Simpsons quotes. Hope you enjoy!