Oxford Is Losing It

"Mmmm...Sacrilicious..."

This quote is from the episode "Homer Loves Flanders," this instance coming after Homer prays to receive tickets to a football game. In response to his prayer, Ned Flanders comes offering him a ticket, to which Homer turns around and yells, "Oh Lord, why do you mock me?" To which Marge replies, "Homer, that's not God, it's a waffle Bart threw up there." One of my favorite quotes that slips into my everyday vernacular.

So, the reason this quote gets attention is once again from my school career. This time, it was definitely a concerted attempt to quote the Simpsons by my Music 201 professor. We were discussing Shakespeare. And I know, the first thing that comes to your mind when I say Shakespeare is the Simpsons, right? Let me explain. Dr. Howard, my Australian professor, said that Shakespeare added an estimated 1500 words to the English language. The only other person to come close, he said, is Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons. He went on to say that words like "D'oh," "Cromulent," and "Craptacular" were added to the dictionary thanks to Mr. Groening. He then said that "Sacrilicious" is one that made it in there as well.

Now, as you all guessed, I was sitting there knowing exactly what he was talking about and laughing myself silly with it. But, when he said "sacrilicious," I was taken by suprise. I've never heard anyone but me say that word outside of the Simpsons universe. But apparently, other people are freaks like me. No big point, it's just nice to know that there are other freaks like me out there...somewhere...


P.S. 1,000,000 bonus points to anyone who can tell me what the definition of "kwyjibo" is.

Literature Never Dies

"Shut up, Updike!"

This quote comes from Krusty the Klown after John Updike laughs at him. This after John Updike wrote most of Krusty's "auto"biography. It's not everyday that a fictional clown can make fun of a writer like John Updike.

The reason for this quote comes again from my academic pursuits. As a part of a humanities class I'm enrolled in, I must research a figure from our class discussions and find out what people thought of him or her in his or her day and also today (think Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but with less leg warmers and phonebooths, and more internet research and audible "whoa"s from me). I decided on Geoffrey Chaucer, author of the very famous "Canterbury Tales." And he's a writer. Like Updike. It works, ok?

While researching this, I stumbled across this interesting entry: "Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog." That's interesting, mostly because I didn't know guys who have been dead for 600 years could have access to the internet. Apparently the after-life has better internet service than Qwest. And, after reading a few entries, it seems our man Geoff has an affinity for the city of Las Vegas. You know, those dead poets are always looking for a good time.

So, if Geoff and I can have blogs, who's to say everyone shouldn't have one? I mean, really! Geoff actually writes in Old English, which is difficult enough to read anyway.

Geography? Nah.

"Water doesn't obey your 'rules.' It goes where it wants to. Like me, babe."

First of all, sorry I have written for a while. But chances are if you're reading this blog, our relationship is not based on it. So I think you'll find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Now, back to the quote. This one is from Bart upon losing to Lisa as they pour liquids down the sink in a race to the bottom. Lisa explains that reason she won is because of the Coriolis effect, eliciting Bart's response.

No, I'm not saying that I go where I want like water disobeying the laws of physics (but that is very cool to watch). On the contrary, in my Geography class last week, the professor taught about the Coriolis effect, and I almost had to leave the room because I couldn't stop laughing. You see, whenever a key word like the Coriolis effect from a Simpsons quote is said, my brain immediately makes the connection, thus bringing in all the quotes from that episode, this one being one of my all time favorites.

Suddenly, in the midst of 250 students, I was choking back giggles about Australia, giant boots, and the Marine Corps. Lines like, "What kind of sick country would kick someone in the butt with a giant boot?!?" "Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions!" and "I'm suprised he was able to write so legibly on his own butt." and "Just so you guys don't hear any wild rumors, I'm getting indicted for fraud in Australia." "Well, that's no reason to block the TV." and "I'm gonna report this to me member of Parliament! Gus! I got something to report to ya!" "That's a bloody outrage it is!"

For all of you that haven't seen that one, it's a wonderful satire on, well, the government and Australia. I highly recommend it. But, for those of you that can't quite understand how my mind works (and that should be all of you, because I'm not even sure), these lines could not get out of my head, causing me to completely miss the point of the lesson, and thus block my education. I'm not crazy, but am a little weird. And I'm sure that my mind, which works like a steel trap for useless information, will function on the exam. But I will never forget that moment when I almost wet my pants in front of 250 students, 4 TAs, and my professor.

Good times, good times.

Bobby McFerrin

"Oh I'm happy! I'm very happy! La la la la la la la. See?"

These words spoken very forced by a ghost-Moe on "The Shinning" portion of the Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror V on season six. Trying to convince Homer that the family would be happier as ghosts like himself, Moe sings this little ditty as evidence. My personal favorite Treehouse of Horror is this one, not just because of the Shining reference, but also Groundskeeper Willie is killed three times in the same episode. It's great.

So, this begs the question: Why the heck did you put Bobby McFerrin as the title of this post? The answer lies in his one song everyone knows: Don't worry, be happy. (Sorry Bobby. No one knows any others.) It also begs this question: Andrew, are you really happy or not? Ok, well, it may not actually come across your thought process, but if you're reading this, chances are you give more than half a fig about my life. A good friend once asked me recently, "Are you happy?" To which I wasn't sure how to reply. He then wisely counseled, "Find out whatever in your life is keeping you from being unhappy, and fix it. Now." I wish to extend this counsel to all of you reading this.

The reason I say this is because I realize that I am actually happy. I know, usually I'm supposed to be sarcastic or something. I assure you that I will try my best. But now, I would just like to say that I have recently reviewed my life, and I am happy. And here are my reasons:

1. I have an amazing family that loves me even though I'm an idiot for most of the time. Yeah guys, sorry about that...consider this a public apology. I'm new at this. I am so grateful that I have this stability and love in my life. They are the best thing for me.

2. I recently returned from a two-year mission to Mongolia, a place custom-fit to me and a place I would love to return to. I spent that time preaching the word I love to people I came to love. It was the most rewarding and best investment on my life I have done so far.

3. I am enrolled at Brigham Young University. This is indeed a wonderful thing for me. About four years ago, my family decided to move to Utah two days before my senior year of high school began. At first, I was very resentful of this, but now I realize how many wonderful things it has brought into my life. If I had not moved, I would not have met many wonderful people who continue to influence me even to this day. I would not have gone to Brigham Young University where I am receiving a wonderful education and leads me to number four.

4. I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl that I met at BYU. We met freshman year at the Y and I left on a mission at the end of two semesters. Even though she and I both thought it impossible to be together, here we are after two years, both of us "tripping out" at the fact we are in fact dating. Again, without the move, I wouldn't have met her. And due to some recent events, I have realized how lucky and blessed I am to have her in my life.

5. I have a great job. And great friends. And great possibilities before me. The list could continue, but I will cut it short for your benefit.

So, am I happy? Yes, la la la la la la la. See? Actually, I am. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Jason Mraz and Relient K as I write this that has left me less sarcastic. Naw, I really am happy.

Rejection Avenue

"Check it out, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the moment his heart rips in half. Riiiiiight nnnnnow!"

This gem comes from Bart, talking to hs sister Lisa after she dumped her "special" friend Ralph Wiggum on national TV and they are watching the replay in slow-motion. Good quote, good episode called "I Love Lisa," and good for me right now.

So, like the whole country, I started school this week. I am enrolled at Brigham Young University in Provo. As part of my studies this semester, I decided to enroll in a Writings of Isaiah class. For those of you familiar with this prophet, you know how difficult he is to understand and how symbolic he is. Well, I got a snootful of symbolism my first day there.

First off, I was late. I hate being late. Period. Especially when it's my own darn fault that I was. Man that's irritating...but I digress. I walk into this symbol-fest and there's only one seat left: next to a nicely dressed familiar-looking fellow. Turns out he's the great young man who interviewed me twice for a teaching position at the Missionary Training Center. You would think this would be a good thing, but I didn't get either position. Awkward point number one.

Next, the teacher begins to call roll. What should I hear but the name of a certain someone. The name took me completely by surprise because it is an old friend from Arizona, one I've had a massive crush on since junior high school. She wrote to me on my mission and I was excited to see her when I got back and hey who knows...maybe even take her on a few dates. However, about a week before school started, on her Facebook page was an update that she had a ring on her finger. It wasn't my ring, for those of you wondering. Well, there she was in the class sitting next to her fiancee. Awkward point number two.

I realized that this class would be an explanation of the symbols that normally would be lost on the unattentive. And I'm as unattentive as they come. Sometime I'll tell you about the time I was being hit on by a girl and didn't even notice. Again, I digress. The only thing that would have made this the rejection trifecta would have been my seventh grade math teacher who gave me my first F grade ever.

So, check it out, I could see the biggest moments of rejection in my life right before me. All in one class. Bring a camera and I'm pretty sure you can see the moments my heart rips in half. Don't worry about me folks, today I took control of the situation. No, I didn't break up the engagement or get the job at the MTC, but I'm just not caring anymore. So I guess this post has a happy ending. I found another job and someone else. In your face, Rejection Avenue!

Ahh! Memories

"Sure, everything sounds bad if you remember it."

This quote comes from Homer after Marge recounts his experience at the previous year's Chili Cook-Off where Homer gets drunk and gets into the cotton candy machine. This is a great quote from season 8's Spanish titled episode. I don't speak Spanish so I can't really remember it. Rest assured, I will quote more from this episode later. It's one of my favorites.

The other day, my family and I were playing a game known as the List. For those of you who don't recognize this VH1's short lived series, many celebrities would gather and talk about what they thought was the best whatever. The best rock album, the best pop singer, etc. and voted on it to determine which really was the best. As much as we loved it, the show didn't last long, but since then, we have played it at parties and such. Well, we were bored one night (a common occurance in our house) and decided to play. We played twice: The best song-winner "Dream On" by Aerosmith and favorite movie-winner Armageddon.

Then we thought about another round: Favorite embarassing moments from our family. Soon a memory avalanche began: "Remember that time that Andrew plunged his own head?" "Or that time Andrew went to the bank to cash a check and asked for cash?" "Or when he was dancing in front of the whole stake with his buddies?" Oh, don't worry, it extended to everyone. "How about when Maddie couldn't see the Hoover Dam because she thought it was made of wood?" "Or the the time she said 'mazel tov' to the bishop?" "Or the time Dad slipped and used his embarassing nickname for Andrew's girlfriend right in front of her?" "How about the time we went to Huntsville to go on a winter snow ride for Mom but it turned out to be a cow pasture?" There were plenty more. I don't dare reveal any more.

There we sat, reveling in each other's misery and shame. Laughing it up at one or more people. I realized some very important things: First, I'm an idiot. Second, reliving the past is usually a blood sport with our family. Third, as much as these moments made me feel like a fool, they actually bound us closer as a family. I'm a firm believer that if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at anyone. And we experienced these as a family (I had plenty more that were with other people but they don't know about them), so we could laugh at each other without hard feelings. While I usually cringe whenever I hear my family say, "Remember the time..." I know that we're getting ready for some family bonding.

Everything does sound bad if you remember it, but at least there are some good things about it as well. And by the way, it was a clean plunger that I used, so no getting grossed out.

What Started It All

"Cloud goes up, cloud goes down."

We have our friend Homer to thank for this one. After a heart attack, he is in the hospital reclining and sitting up his bed, saying "bed goes up, bed goes down." Bart and Lisa his children ask their Sunday School teacher what heaven is like and they imagine their father on a cloud repeating this to himself. From the episode "Homer's Triple Bypass," a great episode from the early years. Check it out.

This quote has a story behind it from our family. When I was younger, I quoted the Simpsons so much, my whole family got sick of it and wanted to mess with my head. So they began to throw topics at me to tie a Simpsons' quote into. And I mean ANYTHING. Mormon missionaries, tigers, St. Louis, bread, anything. And the best part was, I got them all. I even had a quote for Mongolia, a thousand bonus points to who can tell me that first.

Things took a turn for the serious when they threw a curveball at me: Your dad dying. I was almost stumped and it looked for a time that they finally got me. That's when I remembered the quote above and solidified my position as King. Victory is sweet. From that moment on, I never looked back. In fact, when discussing our family's super powers (that will be covered later), mine was mentioned that I can quote the perfect Simpsons quote at the perfect time. Wow, talk about a lame super power. Move over Rogue, Qaptain Quote now has the most useless super power.

Not too long later, our family went through several death-related tragedies. I am not the kind of guy who hides his emotions well, in fact no matter how many times I see Simon Birch, the sight of that dying kid still reduces me to puddles at the bottom of Niagra Falls. I will be the first to admit that these experiences were taxing on someone who has the emotional equivalent of warm Jell-o like yours truly. Our faith was the driving force that allowed us to get through those tough times still as a family and with our heads on straight. And this in no way detracts from the irreplaceable role faith played in this process, but if I'm not laughing, usually I'm depressed. So it was this image of Homer Simpson on a cloud like it was a hospital reclining bed with the words "cloud goes up, cloud goes down" that kept a smile on my face.

Say what you will about the Simpsons, but they can certainly help to keep things in perspective for you. And I promise that you can find something to brighten your day or at least give you a chuckle on those black days. After all, there's been 20 seasons for crying out loud.

P.S. Feel free to send me your topics trying to stump me. I haven't been challenged since that day. Bring it on.

Oh No, Another Blog

"Now you've got a million people voicing their worthless opinions."

For those of you that don't know me (or wish they knew more), there is something important you must know before reading this blog. I am a Simpsons fan. More than a fan, less of a fanatic. Maybe just a fanat. In any case, this blog will feature a Simpsons quote with a little slice of my life (as if you wanted to know). The quote up top is a gem from Homer, the Simpsons' father to his daughter Lisa after she fought the media empire in her town. I share this with you because there is yet one more blog that no one will read to clog up the internet. Following the example of my dad (It's Nothing to Laugh At) and older sister (Welcome to Mommybrain and obviously the most talented one in our family), I have decided to share a quick slice of life with a sarcastic spin on life (but what's new?).

So thank you now for going along with this. I hope to bring a little joy into your lives and mine by voicing my worthless opinions set to Simpsons quotes. Hope you enjoy!