Old Dog, Old Mistakes

"Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing."

This quote comes from the episode "Homer Bad Man" in Season 6. This is Homer telling Marge that he hasn't learned his lesson about anything following his clearing of a sexual harassment case. It's a great episode from a great season.

It turns out I'm a slow learner. Even about stuff that I'm adamant about learning. That is, I'm a slow learner when it comes to unimportant thing. I have tried to tell people for years that I learned my lesson, and yet I stand here today, realizing I just broke my self-imposed rule about sports: Never, and I mean never, abstain from watching.

If you do not know me, I will tell you that I love sports. Playing sports is fun, but as a physical specimen, well let's just say that when they were handing out muscle, coordination, and skill, I was out taking a whizz. I also like to watch sports; football, hockey, basketball, and baseball, although the last two only if I have a dog in the fight or it is the championship. I like to watch the college bowl games around January because there's often not a lot to do on New Year's Day for me because I don't have to sleep off any hangovers. That, my gentle reader, is where my story begins.

When I was a freshman in college, I was dating a girl who did not care for sports in the same way I do. Like at all. She didn't like to watch football (which I should have realized right there was a dealbreaker), and since we went to different colleges, she didn't even root for BYU with me. She, being a good girlfriend, would watch BYU football games with me, but drew the line there. I, being a good boyfriend, didn't push it.

This leads us to January 1, 2007.

As college football fans will attest, this time is a glorious time for football. Surprising endings, trick plays, underdog victories, and general mirth-making are all trademarks of New Year's Day. And that is exactly what happened this year. Call me a sucker if you will, but I love a good underdog story. Against all odds, one person or group of people rise up to take their spot among the heroes and greats, remembered in history by people who have nothing better to do with their time. It's a part of our national consciousness as well; the Miracle on Ice in 1980, the "Iron Will" race in the 1940s, Rocky Balboa vs. Everyone Who Was Ever in a Rocky Movie. Even the founding of our nation was a group of ragtag misfits coming together to throw off the Redcoats (if I remember my history correctly. Paul Giamatti and Emilio Estevez were involved, right?).

The Fiesta Bowl played that year featured one of these stories: BCS legend the Oklahoma Sooners vs. ragtag group of BCS busters the Boise State Broncos. I really dislike Oklahoma. I don't know why, but I just do. Anyway, my girlfriend came over that night and my dad wanted to watch the game but knew my girlfriend didn't want to. So he went up to watch the game in his own room and left the two of us to watch a movie. I didn't have a team of interest, and I don't like watching Oklahoma, so we decided on the movie 13 Going On 30.

My dad would come downstairs periodically to tell me how the game was going. Things were looking bleak for the underdogs in the fourth quarter, so I was pretty happy to be watching Mark Ruffalo with my girlfriend instead of Oklahoma winning. However, things changed in the fourth quarter. I'll let you read about what happened here. Magically, Boise State came back to win it, and some are calling it one of the best games ever. All the time, my dad came down the stairs and asked, "ARE YOU WATCHING THIS GAME THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!" Upon seeing the movie we were watching, his face morphed into something I can't quite explain. It was a mix between shame, amazement, and that look in his eye when he realizes he can make fun of me forever for something, like the time I signed my first name with a star for the A. I still don't hear the end of it from my dad or his boss.

Right then and there, I decided that I would never miss another game like that again. In fact, come March, I filled out my March Madness bracket and was late to a date with the same girlfriend because I was watching the UCLA-Gonzaga game and didn't want my whole bracket to be upset while I was watching some movie starring Jennifer Garner and whoever is the decidedly sexy male lead. I learned my lesson, or so I thought.

I married a girl who likes to watch football with me. We've even gone to a few BYU football games together and have had a blast. Last night, she really wanted to leave the house and go out. We decided on going to the movie Moneyball. Last night also happened to be a BYU football game against one of our in-state rivals Utah State. This season, I have been very disappointed in the quarterback situation (Sit Heaps! I want Riley!), and I can only take so much disappointment, so I mended my rule and went to the movie. I assumed that either BYU would lose in spectacular fashion like they did to Utah, or it would be close and they wouldn't pull it out. I also dislike watching Jake Heaps throw the ball backwards, so I figured I could go to a movie.

I texted my mom after the movie to talk to her about it. She texted back saying, "You didn't watch the game? BYU just won. Exciting finish." I called her right then and found out that they sat ol' St. Jake, and put in Riley Nelson, who I like. I also found out that BYU's last drive went 96 yards and they scored a touchdown with 11 seconds left to win the game. My boy Riley went 10/14 for 144 yards and two touchdowns and 11 carries for 62 yards, and I missed it. Now, it wasn't exactly the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, but I actually cared about this one. My wife felt bad because she knows my story, but I had agreed to go to the movie and even chose which one to see.

So you can see, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.

Original Material

"When there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope."
"Where did you get that?"
"From the producers of Waiting to Exhale."

This quote comes from the episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" from Season 11, in which Homer takes the family to live on the rural farm where he grew up. In this quote, he is trying to justify spreading plutonium over his crops to get them to grow to Marge. She finds his wisdom comes mostly from movie posters.

Does this sound familiar to you reading this blog? I hope so, it sounds like the whole point of this blog, that I am hardwired to live in this world through the lens of the culture around me, especially the Simpsons. This "talent" of mine, the ability to connect almost any situation to the Simpsons, is a blessing and a curse. It is a true talent, just ask my brother- and sisters-in-law. I gave them a demonstration when they came to visit not too long ago.

More to the point, I would like to discuss the blessing part and the curse part in more detail today. I have already discussed some of the curse part in a previous blog. Sometimes, when I go to make a joke, I fail miserably because the joke is funny to me because I love, know, and understand the Simpsons. Unfortunately, there are very few people like that with whom I constantly associate. Often the joke lands flat on its face.

However, there are a few benefits. For one, if there are people unlike me, when I make a witty Simpsons-related joke, it makes me sound like a comic genius (despite the fact that I have received NUMEROUS indications that I am not). Making people laugh is something that I love to do. So obviously, when I do, it makes me quite happy. So that's one of the benefits.

Additionally, it makes me think in the same kind of "humor vein" that the Simpsons are constructed in. For example, in class, we were being taught commands to type into a computer program to do our homework for us. Part of one of these commands was "llmean." The first thing I thought of, like all of you out there did I'm sure, was that sounded like a clothing store for supervillians. If you're like me, I'm sure that the first time you saw Spider-Man, you thought, "So he went from homemade spider clothes to tights? Where in the world did he get those tights? SOMEBODY TELL ME!"

Well, now it is no longer a mystery. Visit L.L. Mean for all your tights, capes, masks, death rays, flamboyant, impractical spandex needs! Sorry, had to include the add for our new sponsor. Ha! Just kidding. That joke got a pretty good reaction from my friends, and it's thanks to my talents that aren't going anywhere near South Beach.

However, there's another curse. I always feel bad whenever I use someone else's humor or jokes for my own purposes. My professors would be proud; I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I need to site the joke I just made. Well, he laughed. Mission accomplished, but should I tell them that I'm a shameless plagiarizer? Will a cadre of copyright police drop down from the ceiling if I don't spill the beans about how I came up with my line about kangaroos?

Eventually, people figure out that all I'm doing is saying Simpsons quotes. Then, every time I make a joke, they ask, "Where'd you get that?" Most of the time, from the Simpsons, Ghostbusters, Arrested Development, or something similar. But, when it's legitimately something from my own brain fruit, a lot of people think I've taken it from somewhere. A reasonable assumption, but it's times like that when I reevaluate my sense of humor. Am I my own person, or just an amalgamation of TV shows, movies, Internet cartoons and comics, the Mattress Police, and Jason Bateman?

I usually just drop it because I tend to get sleepy whenever I think about self-improvement or change. But I usually just walk away with a feeling of acceptance. I'm alright with that because I'm getting people to laugh. The other day I made my dad laugh without the assistance of the Simpsons, Red vs. Blue, or a blog by Rob Kroese (a difficult task that I've been trying to achieve since the age of six). Maybe eventually I'll develop a style of humor that can stand the test of time and won't fail me in social situations.

However, don't hold your breath.

Let's All Go to the Lobby...No, Seriously. Go.

"Why do you watch comedies if you don't wanna hear more jokes?"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-(Annoyed Grunt)" after some of Homer's new friends say that the jokes he makes in movies aren't funny. This episode is a newer one, but I still like it.

I went to see a movie last night with my wife. The movie we saw is based on a very popular novel. It was quite the experience. I actually got to be in a theater with several people who had obviously never been to a moving picture show inside a theater before. Normally, I would have felt a little privileged to be experiencing something with the first-timers, like when you go to a football game with a small child or when you share the waiting room with someone who has never had a tooth pulled before. However, these people seemed to treat the theater like their own home, which, if true, means I never want to go to their homes.

First, we had a guy who didn't know the movie was recorded (The pictures! They're...coming...alive!). Since this particular movie was based on a very popular novel, a lot of the people in the theater knew what was coming. There was a particular part that people really liked from the book. Well, at this point, the gentleman began to cheer. And whoop. And cat-call and whistle. As if Emma Stone herself were there with us and could acknowledge his creepiness with a smile and a wave. "Woo yeah! Those images up there on that screen are awesome! Go pictures, go pictures! YEAH!" I've always thought that clapping in a theater is a useless gesture, unless the people who made the movie are sitting right there. Applause is primarily a way for the audience to show appreciation for a job well done and to give feedback to the performers. Those moving pictures are not going to bow, smile, wave, and say "Thank You." Does this guy also say nuturing, loving things to photographs of his family? I know the pictures look like your family, but they are NOT REAL. Not real.

But wait, there's more. Next to us was the one thing that drives my mother crazy at the movies. There was...a baby. Not just a toddler, mind you. This kid couldn't be seen in the carrier because it was that small. Now, bringing a baby into a theater is a cardinal sin in and of itself. I do have to make a confession here; my parents took me to see Ghostbusters II when I was ten months old and I'm fairly certain that is one of the reasons I love those movies so much. But, I'm also sure that they didn't CHANGE MY DIAPER IN THE THEATER. Yes, my good reader, this woman changed her baby's diaper in the theater. Where all of us were sitting. Quietly. Not changing babies. Because that's gross. How did I know she changed her baby, you ask? Well, for those who have never changed a baby, there is an unmistakable smell of baby wipes covering another smell that when present, leads to only one conclusion: she changed her baby in the theater. Heaven only knows what she did with the diaper because I didn't see her get up during the movie. That spoiled all my desire to buy over-priced snacks from the lobby.

As if those two weren't enough, we had the Commentator right behind us. I'm sure you've all had this person in your theater at least once. This is the guy who talks about what happens in the movie, just in case there are any blind people in the theater. His comments are often so innocuous and annoying he makes Bill Walton look like as intelligent and coherent as Bob Costas. All throughout the movie, we were treated to "Oh, there she goes!" when a character would go through a door. "Oh, there she is! Look at her!" when a character would look through the window. "Ha ha, that was funny!" when someone would make a joke. "I see what's going on here, she's going to tell the story so everyone else will be safe!" Thank you, Al Michaels. I'm sure all these people here would be completely lost if it weren't for you. It would be one thing if the commentary was something profound, like "the relationship between these two characters is reminiscent of the character growth we see in most po-mo works of fiction." Then I would just think he was a pretentious snob loud-mouth instead of a pretentious idiot loud-mouth. Instead of a good analysis of what's happening, we got the John Madden of movie theaters: "Well, when you have good actors with a good script, that's just good movies happening there." "Oh look there, Boom! that's a good line there." Truly ground-breaking analysis there.

I thought that theater-goers had to pass a test or at least take a class or something. But I guess not. Maybe I should make my own:
1. Which of the following should you say if you see a character on screen fall down?
a. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!"
b. "Whoa! He fell faster than Mel Gibson's credibility!"
c. "Woo! He fell down! Yeah! Woo!"
d. Nothing, you are in a MOVIE THEATER

2. Should your baby require a changed diaper, what should you do?
a. Change the baby in the theater
b. Take the baby to the bathroom to change him/her
c. Just let the baby sit in the dirty diaper until the end of the movie
d. Tell the babysitter to change the diaper because you left the child with one while you are at the MOVIE THEATER

3. True/False: The movie theater is just like your own home and you should treat it as such.

And remember, when in doubt, your comments are not funny.

Foreign Policy TV

"Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so that we don't have to think all the time."

This quote comes from the non-thinking aficionado Homer Simpson in the episode "Bart's Comet" explaining to Lisa that there is no reason to worry about a comet streaking toward Springfield because the mayor has a plan to stop it. Great line. 'Nuff said.

I am currently enrolled in a U.S. foreign policy class, and during the discussion, we talked about why foreign policy is not decided by the people more directly more often. Many reasons were decided; my favorite is another Simpsons' line from Mayor Quimby: You're nothing but a bunch of fickle mush heads! And of course, naturally, as I'm sure you have all done by this point, we discussed what it would be like if U.S. foreign policy was decided by a show like American Idol.

First, let me say that if Ryan Seacrest is involved, I'm out. Get Justin Timberlake to host and I'm there like a donkey eating waffles. Mario Lopez just needs to stay far away too. I loved you on "Saved By the Bell," but c'mon. Sometimes it just reeks of desperation and the failed "Scent of Slater" cologne from the 90s. Seriously, there's got to be at least twelve of those shipping containers packed to the ceiling of that stuff. But, Mario, if it will make you feel better, I'll pay you $20 to come to my house in a brightly-colored tank top and curly-tough guy mullet and you can call me "preppy" all you like. Richard Karn, I have one word for you: No. Just no. Seriously. Leave me alone. I'm also sure I'm not the only one looking for the triumphant return of Kirk Fogg and Mike O'Malley to the hosting world.*

Second, that is impossible. American Idol? Really?!? I don't know about you, but I don't want to get stuck with the policy equivalent of Reuben Studdard (which I'm assuming involves sending millions of cheese steak sandwiches to Africa and apologizing for a lot of stuff in 2004). Worse yet, what if we wind up voting for the policy equivalent of Taylor Hicks: Sure, it's the best choice there, but it is obsolete the second it wins, only appeals to the older generation, most of the population doesn't get it, and creeps just about everyone out, like reviving containment of the Soviet Union?

If anything, the foreign policy TV show should be a combination of American Idol, where people could vote for options and the host is a cute, non-threatening, and tiny, and the Miss America Pageant, where they have to strut their stuff. We can even call it a scholarship opportunity for rising policy-makers and therefore not feel bad that all the contestants are beautiful women that only really represent a small portion of the population! Think about it: Have you ever been frustrated that you can't vote for Miss America contestants? Have you ever sat in your armchair while watching riots in the streets in Egypt and Libya and thought, "Yeah, I know just what to do right now. I'd do a better job too!"? Have you watched Senate confirmation hearings and been like, "No way! You're sitting Jones? She's got the stamina to run circles around these clods and she's totally clutch!"? Well, now you can do all these things in the Miss U.S. Foreign Policy Pageant! Although, these women would now be representing real things, like whether or not to blow North Korea to the Stone Age.

Of course, there will have to be limits on the voters. You know if that goes unchecked, there will be some shading dealings and trolling. "Bomb Israel" will be perpetuated by some mysterious person whose screen name is AQ&OBL4VR (That's the policy equivalent of Sanjaya. Dude would not go away). And of course, the popular site VoteForTheWorst.com would be visited by every Chinese nationalist and dude hiding out in caves in Pakistan that it would probably crash every time Time Urban came on the screen. Be careful if you go to that site; the CIA would probably be monitoring it for violations of the Patriot Act.

Seriously though, stay with me on this. Pulling out of Libya looked really good in the evening wear competition, but really suffered on the talent competition (Libyan traditional dancing doesn't play well right now). Well that's what happens when the competition is this stiff; some people just want it more. What's more is you'll never hear innocuous answers on the interview portion...no, wait, let me get back to you on this one. Then if the winner cannot perform her duties for any reason, the runner-up will take over. That could lead to problems, because what happens if the winner is a softer touch on Chechen terrorists, but she can't fulfill her duties because she's in trouble with a corruption scandal involving a soccer team and an illegal dance club and the runner-up was bomb Chechen rebels into oblivion? By the time the winner was cleared of the charges, there are no more Chechen freedom fighters. Yeah, we'll have to work that one out.

Coming this fall to NBC, it's the latest thing we've thrown a whole bunch of money at to recoup from losing all our viewers, the reality show where you, the uniformed viewer, get to decide the fate of the arms treaty with Russia! From the producers of Friends and 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show comes smash hit to decide the fate of the free world! Ten policy choices compete for your vote on this live thrill ride! Will we intervene in the Greek debt crisis? Where should the next G-20 Summit be held? Should economic sanctions continue on Iran? All this, plus one surprising twist you'll never see coming! Tuesdays at 9/8c, join the nationwide phenomenon that is trivializing the way the world conducts its affairs! Little thinking required!

Really. The "Libary."

And now, we present to you for your reading pleasure, The Quotin'-ist Blog's First Angry Rant.

"Hi Angel Pie! Can you drive me down to the libary? I wanna rent us up some moovies."

This line is from Lisa, who is imagining herself as a fat slob married to Ralph Wiggum, with several little children living in a shack. From the episode Lisa the Simpson, a great one from Season 9. And now the rant.

I work, for those of you who don't know (or care to), at a public library (the actual library's name will be withheld to protect the fabulous). Whenever I talk about work around my family, they instantly say "Libary" in reference to this quote. This never bothers me, simply because I know they are joking. How do I know you ask? Because they know how to speak English.

Today at work, I was asked by a patron the following question: "I read on my Nook that I can go down to the libary and the libarians would help me download stuff. Can you do that?" It took every ounce of strength in my body not to tell this person to "be gone, lest my cane find your backside." It took every other ounce of my strength not to laugh in this person's face and ask, "You're joking, right? LIBARY!?!" With whatever strength was left in me I pointed her in the right direction (I think. I may have had a mini-stroke). Additionally, she even said libarians, as if they were the inhabitants of the country of Libaria. I wanted to say, "Well, us libarians don't care too much for them fancy techno-gadgery like a Nook or a Segway or a Microwave. You just take your classy gizmos and computer-lernin' on down to the Apple Store. I will help ya fetch some books though." But I didn't.

The Libary? What, is that extra "r" just a little too hard to say? Is there a new linguistic rule that says every first "r" when there are two in a word is silent? Or perhaps that if something is too hard to say when you're yelling at the TV, you can just shorten it to whatever you want? Is "Liberry" the new soda specifically for lawyers that tastes like berries*?

This ranks on par with confusing "your" with "you're." If I look through my sister's yearbook and see one more high school freshman write "your great!" one more time, I will know the public school system has failed. I may have to write back, "Eye now your want 2 go 2 teh libary w/ me. Doo u want 2 go 2mrw?**" It reminds me of those "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches they used to do on Saturday Night Live where Matthew Perry would write down the letter 2 or Minnie Driver would draw a picture of an eye for the letter I. The only difference is, I know most of the freshmen my sister knows will not be famous. Not even Matthew Perry-famous.

I wonder what other grammar problems people who say "libary" have. Do they protest that it is unpossible that they failed English? Do they someday hope to become the Super Nintendo of Public Schools? Is there ultimate dream to go to Bovine University upon leaving high school? When they get sick, do they complain of the bad things they ated? Do they spend their free moments wondering just how alligators manage to alligate?***

So my simple plea to those three people who read this blog is this: Please say "Library" correctly. It would be great if you said everything else correctly, but at least don't say "Libary." If you do, I'll be happy to show you the door and hand you your coat.

Thank you, this has been a Quotinist Blog Angry Rant.

*Get it? It's a play on words: Libel and Berry. Please lawyers, don't get offended.

**Ugh, writing that sentence made me throw up.

***These are all allusions to quotes by the misspeaker himself, Ralph Wiggum.

Newspapers

"Sleep Important, Say Experts--Slow News Day Grips Springfield."

This quote actually comes from the Springfield Shopper, the main newspaper that often provides hilariousness...sorry, that's hilarious news, my mistake. This headline is from the episode Half-Decent Proposal where Homer's snoring keeps Marge awake and she becomes sleep deprived. Almost as if on cue (imagine that), this newspaper arrives on the doorstep.

I found this article in real life. Only this one was for a local paper called the Deseret News. The main headline, in bold letters so the whole world could see, and as our old friend Jeff would say "above the fold," was the headline: "Obama Worried About Economy." Really?!? He is? Well then, maybe I should too. You know, with an article this salacious, you would wonder why nobody else picked it up before now. Oh, wait. They did. THREE YEARS AGO.

Talk about a slow news day. When you have to resurrect a story that broke that long ago and has continued to be on the collective minds of the target audience since then, has changed the very makeup of the government, and has been hashed and re-hashed ad naseum for three years, you know you got nothing.

I'm just waiting for the headline after an eclipse: "God Steals Sun-Mayor Offers Sacrifices."

Holiday!

"Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?"

This quote comes from Homer who is teaching Apu about America for his citizenship test from the episode "Much Apu about Nothing." This episode probably makes my top ten list, due to the best opening gag (a bear wanders into Springfield "in search of food or possibly employment"), Homer's logic about the Bear Patrol, and great lines about citizenship and patriotism. Mayor Quimby's line "ducking this issue calls for real leadership" I think sums the current political attitude toward, well, everything. But anyway, it's a great episode.

Since there is a holiday coming up that is one of the most important holidays, I figured that I should blog about it. It is a time where we look at how grateful we are to those who nurtured us, educated us, and gave us a role model to look up to. This holiday brings our attention to someone who protects us and worries us when that person makes silly choices. And someday when this person is old and sick, they'll need those who they raised to look after them. You know exactly what holiday I'm talking about: Flag Day. What, there's another holiday in June? No that's preposterous.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the lesser-known holidays out there: Flag Day, Arbor Day ("the best holiday you've never heard of"-Newsweek), Administrative Assistants' Day (a.k.a. the day the boss comes out of the office and asks why the heck there are flowers on the receptionist's desk), Armed Forces Day (Canada-'nuff said), Boxing Day (the day after Christmas to encourage people to go to the Montero-Valenzeula fight in Vegas), and the ubiquitous National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 it be on the horizon, spotted from the crow's nest, arr!).

These holidays need to be cared for and respected as the...you know what? Nevermind. I can't really type this with a straight face. With the possible exception of Administrative Assistant's Day--which happens to be the day before my birthday--most of the holidays on this list make great punchlines. So there you go, America (or the three people who read this), that punchline is on the house.

May the flag bring you good luck from its thirteen stripes.

P.S. I am aware that Father's Day is in June as well. Post forthcoming.