"Spooky"

"Boo. Exit to the left."

This quote comes from the episode "Bart Carny," when Bart and Lisa go to the carnival and ride "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," a "spooky" ride. The quote is toward the end of the ride where a repairman is working on something and sees the kids. He attempts to scare, and also to ensure the safety and well-being of all the ride's patrons. Other great sight gags include a spring shooting out of a coffin saying "I vant your blood!" and Bart surmises that it is probably broken, or when a skeleton comes down and is accompanied by the sound "Hee-haw" and Lisa remarks that it was just confusing.

I'm sorry if you, upon seeing the title of this post, thought that I would be talking about the Atlanta Rhythm Section. I will not. Shoot, I just did, didn't I? Anyhow, I'd like to talk about one of the four great American holidays, Halloween. The other great American holidays are Christmas (I know it's international, but come on. American consumerism has DEFINED the modern holiday of Christmas. Also, if movies are to be believed, Tim Allen is the acting Santa Claus, and what's more American than Tim Allen?), Thanksgiving (if ever there is another holiday that embodies the American notion of eating a lot, watching football, and glossing over ugly parts in our history better than Thanksgiving, I haven't found it), and the Fourth of July (Yes, it's patriotic and yes, it's America's birthday, but the reason it is a great American holiday is again because we eat delicious food like barbecue and then we blow things up. That's the American way).

I believe that Halloween is a great time of year for many reasons. 1) The candy. This is really more applicable for kids, but now I have to buy candy to give to kids. Jerry Seinfeld wrote a book about being a kid during Halloween, and he is absolutely right. The absolute euphoria that comes to a child's mind when they find out that everyone they know is just giving out candy. For nothing. All night. Now that I buy candy for kids, and I live on the third floor of an apartment that looks scary at night. And not the good, Halloween-kind of scary. That means that most of the candy I buy is not consumed by cowboys, astronauts, or Justin Beiber, but by me. And that, tender reader, is awesome.

2) The costumes. This holiday gives you the chance to be someone else for a night. At least it used to when I was a kid, and the person I usually wanted to be was a Ghostbuster. I forget just how many Halloweens I used as an excuse to be like Bill Murray, but it was a lot. Also, how many times can you pretend to be someone else without being mentally sized-up for a straight jacket by whomever you're talking to? If I were to dress up and act like a pirate on June 13, you would think I earned a one-way trip to a padded room and Bingo every other Wednesday. But for whatever reason, October 31 gives you almost diplomatic immunity-type leeway to be whatever you want.

3) The scaring. Again, how many days out of the year do people actually expect and want to be scared out of their wits? I like to be on the scaring end more than the scared end, but getting scared can be fun. What's even better than scaring or being scared, however, is watching other, easily-scared people get scared. This can be very entertaining if the ones being scared have a good attitude toward the situation. It can be very awkward if they suddenly have a bad attitude about being the one who is always being scared. Still funny, just not "ha-ha" funny. We happened to be in the company of such at a haunted forest last night, and they are the kind to have in front of you the whole time to avoid, how shall we say, unpleasant surprises.

My wife and I went to this haunted forest last night with her company for a work party. Never having been to one, and feeling generally throwy-uppy the whole day before then (having a Statistics take-home exam can do that to you), I was a little unsure of what to expect. My only clues came from "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," the "Tuesday the 17th" and "In Plain Fright" episodes of Psych, and every Scooby-Doo episode I've ever seen. Additionally, none of the people we went with had been to the haunted forest for more than five years. I have many theories as to why this is, foremost among them being, having seen the average age and maturity of fellow patrons, that once one has graduated from high school, it is no longer amusing to see high school drop-outs try to scare everyone in a dimly-lit environment anymore. The real scare becomes, "Holy crap, what mistakes did you make in your life and how can I avoid them?" But I digress.

Sidenote: I seem to say "But I digress" in this blog quite a bit. Should I perhaps change the title of my blog to reflect this sentiment? End sidenote.

I must say, the experience was not all-together totally unpleasant. Sure, there were unpleasant moments, like the Clown Room or when one of the frightened members of our group came up behind me and grabbed the back of my hoodie, causing me to do the same to my wife, causing her to do the same to the person in front of her, etc. And, like Dr. Frightmarestein's hangout and the ending of "Source Code," there were a few confusing moments as well. The old tribal warriors chanting stuff was one of those confusing moments for me. "Oh no, they're going to chant at me...heh, I like that guy's hat. It looks like a monster. Rawr, rawr, rawr! Heh heh."

Then there were things like the Swine Flu Room. That was just gross. Not scary gross, like an eyeball or something. Just gross. Since when does gross = scary? Granted, there are somethings I've seen in a gas station restroom going from Arizona to Utah, Utah to California, or Arizona to California, that still haunt me to this day. Why, why, why would anyone change their bandages in a gas station bathroom? Heck, even public libraries are more sanitary! It changes the whole situation from "Let's stop infection!" to "Anyone have a cure for meningitis in their pocket?" How is that a good idea?!?

Mostly, it was kind of gory. I'll admit, gory stuff is usually scary, but since when did it become that the only way to scare people was to show them a bunch of guts? If nothing else, Hitchcock showed us that suspense and thrills with minimal gore could be some of the scariest moments ever. Gore leaves me weak in the knees, but not because I was scared, but because I'm worried about things like eboli and botulism. My dad and I ran for the bathroom after being in one of those things that had raw ground beef for someone's brains or grapes for their eyes. That wasn't because we were scared, but because we watched 20/20 and knew the dangers that raw meat left out could bring.

But again, Halloween is a great time of year for all the reasons I mentioned, and because it is fall and the weather is beautiful. Oh, just in case you were wondering, we made it out of the forest safely, and we did exit to the left.