Newspapers

"Sleep Important, Say Experts--Slow News Day Grips Springfield."

This quote actually comes from the Springfield Shopper, the main newspaper that often provides hilariousness...sorry, that's hilarious news, my mistake. This headline is from the episode Half-Decent Proposal where Homer's snoring keeps Marge awake and she becomes sleep deprived. Almost as if on cue (imagine that), this newspaper arrives on the doorstep.

I found this article in real life. Only this one was for a local paper called the Deseret News. The main headline, in bold letters so the whole world could see, and as our old friend Jeff would say "above the fold," was the headline: "Obama Worried About Economy." Really?!? He is? Well then, maybe I should too. You know, with an article this salacious, you would wonder why nobody else picked it up before now. Oh, wait. They did. THREE YEARS AGO.

Talk about a slow news day. When you have to resurrect a story that broke that long ago and has continued to be on the collective minds of the target audience since then, has changed the very makeup of the government, and has been hashed and re-hashed ad naseum for three years, you know you got nothing.

I'm just waiting for the headline after an eclipse: "God Steals Sun-Mayor Offers Sacrifices."

Holiday!

"Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?"

This quote comes from Homer who is teaching Apu about America for his citizenship test from the episode "Much Apu about Nothing." This episode probably makes my top ten list, due to the best opening gag (a bear wanders into Springfield "in search of food or possibly employment"), Homer's logic about the Bear Patrol, and great lines about citizenship and patriotism. Mayor Quimby's line "ducking this issue calls for real leadership" I think sums the current political attitude toward, well, everything. But anyway, it's a great episode.

Since there is a holiday coming up that is one of the most important holidays, I figured that I should blog about it. It is a time where we look at how grateful we are to those who nurtured us, educated us, and gave us a role model to look up to. This holiday brings our attention to someone who protects us and worries us when that person makes silly choices. And someday when this person is old and sick, they'll need those who they raised to look after them. You know exactly what holiday I'm talking about: Flag Day. What, there's another holiday in June? No that's preposterous.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the lesser-known holidays out there: Flag Day, Arbor Day ("the best holiday you've never heard of"-Newsweek), Administrative Assistants' Day (a.k.a. the day the boss comes out of the office and asks why the heck there are flowers on the receptionist's desk), Armed Forces Day (Canada-'nuff said), Boxing Day (the day after Christmas to encourage people to go to the Montero-Valenzeula fight in Vegas), and the ubiquitous National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 it be on the horizon, spotted from the crow's nest, arr!).

These holidays need to be cared for and respected as the...you know what? Nevermind. I can't really type this with a straight face. With the possible exception of Administrative Assistant's Day--which happens to be the day before my birthday--most of the holidays on this list make great punchlines. So there you go, America (or the three people who read this), that punchline is on the house.

May the flag bring you good luck from its thirteen stripes.

P.S. I am aware that Father's Day is in June as well. Post forthcoming.

Overdue Mother's Day Tribute

"You shouldn't have gone away on vacation."

This is a line from the episode "Homer the Smithers" where Homer (deductively) does Mr. Smithers' job of taking care of Mr. Burns while Smithers goes on vacation. This episode has plenty of great lines and sight gags, and it really shows just how old and busted Mr. Burns is.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this line have to do with Mother's Day? Isn't there a better one? How come you're a week late?? Well sir, first off enough of your silly questions. I don't get paid to write this so I'll do it when I feel like it ok? Ok, (sighs) second, the reason I'm a little late in doing this is twofold: One, amidst all the Mother's Day rushing and gift giving and thanking, most likely this post would have gone unnoticed and the work and attention I put into it would have become part of the flower-scented, mushy Mother's Day paste that is the way I try to celebrate Mother's Day. Secondly, aren't we supposed to be thankful to our mothers all the time? This is just a continuation of the gratitude we all showed on Mother's Day. Thirdly, this quote pretty much sums up my mother.

Now let me explain: This quote comes after Smithers goes on vacation and Mr. Burns finds that he doesn't need Smithers to wait on him hand and foot. After Mr. Burns fires Smithers, Homer says "You shouldn't have gone away on vacation." Now my mother is employed at a plumbing office as an administrative assistant. She has it in her head that some day her bosses will see that she is unneeded and she will be fired, just like the quote (Eh? pretty good huh?). She believes that at some point, in order to save money, the company will terminate her position. This, of course, is silly.

She is a great woman who can handle any job she's given at work, can multitask better than anyone I've ever known, and is super creative when it comes to problem-solving. She has been (repeatedly, I might add) assured of her job security by her bosses. Even if she is terminated (which she won't), she would have the skill set to get another job very quickly. This is so typical of my mother. She worries that she is doing a terrible job when in fact she is doing her job better than anyone else could. This worrying helps her to get better and better at what she does. This actually makes her more worried that she'll get fired. Go figure.

I like to think that this is a trait I've inherited. Although with things like this I'm usually wrong. I wish I could have this one, because it's one of the ones I admire in my mom the most. She did the same thing when she was raising us kids. She would think she wasn't doing well, when in actuality she was raising us better than anyone else could have. I'm grateful to her for doing this and wish I could tell her that more.

There was a time when I was in elementary school that my grades plummeted. I still remember that time in sixth grade when my usually prisine report card came home with, well, less than pristine grades on it. It took me a while after talking with my friends to realize that not everyone had a mother and father who would put so much care and attention to their children's academic success as mine did. It worked so well that the next time I saw grades like that was two semesters ago in college, nearly ten years later.

I love you, Mom, and don't tell you enough. You won't get fired unless you call your bosses names to their faces. But keep working hard because you are a great example to us kids.

Oh, and please take vacations. You're running yourself ragged.

P.S. If you are reading this and this shares some of the feelings you have about your mothers, please share it with them.

Bad, Bad Movies

"Hey, didn't you direct A Natural Discretion?" "(Laughs) Well, yes I did." "Pee-yu, you know, I never walk out of a movie, but yecch!"

This quote comes from the seventh season, the episode called "Radioactive Man" where the popular comic book character gets a full-length Hollywood makeover. This quote comes from Homer who begins a conversation with the director of the film and expresses his obvious disliking of the director's previous work. I'm using this quote to inform all (one) of you of my newfound desire to watch bad, shown-on-networks-on-Saturday-afternoon movies.

I must confess, I have some qualifications for the movies I deem "bad." One: They must be trying to be good. This rules out obviously bad yet trying to be bad movies like "Nacho Libre," "Kung Pow," and essentially anything done by Will Ferrell with the exception of maybe "Stranger than Fiction." Two: No children's movies. More often than I'd like to admit, some children's movies are cliched, tired, or complete rip-offs of previous movies. This eliminates them because they will still make more money than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Also falling into this category are disaster movies, although I think some may be qualified as bad. The reason why is the premise of these movies is often completely silly or off the wall, and thus the movie has no chance. Three: I take no account of how well the movies did at the box office. As evidenced by the newly-created "Paranormal Teen Romance" section at the Barnes and Noble I visited today, people (especially tweens) are willing to watch and read just about ANYTHING (although I'm not one to talk; I'm sure there are things that I like but that are just terrible too), completely discrediting the theory that the "customer is always right."

My mother has previously written about this when we lived in Arizona and she contributed to the local newspaper. What inspired her is one film I wanted to mention, "Deep Blue Sea." It's amazingly bad, about super-smart sharks and the underwater research facility that comes under attack. I think the worst part is when (SPOILER ALERT) Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by the shark after giving a rousing speech. You know it's a bad one when L.L. Cool J makes it farther than Samuel L. Jackson. Also making it terrible is campy lines, the "perfect omelet" recipe that MUST be passed on to the world, and laughable special effects.

Next on the list of my favorite bad movies is one that I just watched recently is "The Shadow," starring Alec Baldwin about a man who reforms his life, learns to invade men's minds, and becomes a superhero patrolling the streets of New York. I know, potential, right? Well, the main villian is the last descendant of Genghis Khan who is inventing the atomic bomb (in your face, Robert Oppenheimer) who can also invade people's minds. Now, I'm not too familiar with a lot of Sir Ian McKellan's acting career, but I'm pretty sure this role is a low point. Additionally, when Alec Baldwin meets the villian for the first time, they discuss where to get the best ties on Madison Avenue. Throw in the most campy line of the movie after the villian insults America, "Hey, that's the U S of A you're talking about, buddy!" by Alec, and you have a fantastically awful movie.

Next up, the Cold War flick "Red Dawn." Starring such 80s stars as Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen (fresh from Warlock school on Mars), Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Gray, this film is about a group of high school students who wage guerilla warfare on the Soviet Union following the USSR's invasion of America. Alright idea, poor execution. From the incredibly hokey "catch phrase" of "WOLVERINES!" that the group calls themselves after the high school football team, to the townspeople telling the boys that "I pray for you!" and "AVENGE ME!!", to the final scene (SPOILER ALERT) where a sobbing Patrick Swayze carries his dying brother Charlie Sheen and that sight causes the hardened Cuban colonel to throw down his rifle in disgust. Yes, I am guilty of watching this one several times. It's possibly my favorite bad movie, a guilty pleasure if you will. So you can imagine how incredibly excited I am that it has been remade and will be released later this year!!! As if knowing that this movie needs to be bad, originally the invaders were the Chinese, but had to be changed to the North Koreans for fear of economic reprisals from China. Already this remake becomes even harder to believe than the original!

But you may be saying, "But isn't North Korea more likely than China to invade the U.S.?" And I would say, "They wish." Without delving into politics too deeply, after all this blog is supposed to be a little silly, North Korea is unlikely to stage a realistic invasion of the United States. Anyhow, I have extremely high hopes for this movie, and the only disappointment I have is that it is unlikely to have a midnight opening. I suppose those are only for the Harry Potters, Star Wars, and stupid Vampire movies.

If you have any suggestions for bad movies, please feel free to share them with me. Next on the viewing list, I have "Deep Impact," "Vertical Limit," and "Battlefield Earth." And please, don't walk out on it.

Finding a Way Out

"Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact!"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Homerpalooza" in Season 7. This episode features many great guest appearances from music stars, like Sonic Youth, Peter Frampton, the Smashing Pumpkins, and Cypress Hill. Homer is musing about why people need new bands and how he got out of the loop in the music world. He later laments, "Now I'm lucky if I find half an hour a week in which to get funky."

I could use this to talk about how I got out of the music loop while on my mission. I could use it to complain about tween sensations like Justin Beiber (I don't even care if I spelled his name wrong. Just deal with it). I could use this to explain my sudden desire to listen to stuff I did when in junior high. But I won't.

I'm mostly using this quote because I'm feeling stressed for some inexplicable reason, and sometimes writing helps me to chill out or to at least put off studying for a test that I have today. I have to run off to my Microeconomics class in just a few minutes, but I felt like writing. And I haven't done it for a really long time.

I've had a strange desire to listen to the likes of Credence Clearwater Revival, Three Dog Night, AC/DC, Led Zepplin and the like lately. Maybe it's because I'm sick of the stuff I've been listening to. Maybe it's because it reminds me of a younger, simpler time for myself (you know, before I became an adult without signing some kind of waiver or application. There really needs to be one of those). Or maybe, it's because rock attained perfection around that time. If that's the case, Beiber just needs to go away.

Oh, by the way, if you're wondering why I capitalized Microeconomics, 1) you are too cerebral for this blog and 2) I'm hoping to appease the Economics gods by always capitalizing pronouns whenever I speak about It.

Learnin' and Burnin'

"Every time I learn something new, it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?" "You were drunk!" "And how!"

This exchange comes from the episode "Secrets of a Successful Marriage," a stellar episode. This is Homer talking to Marge trying to find out how education is going to make him smarter. A great quote for what's happening to me currently.

I am currently about three semesters away from graduating with a bachelor's degree. I'm arriving at the point in my education where I don't think I can cram one more little piece of information into my brain (Come to think of it, there's probably plenty of room in there once I clear out these Simpsons' quotes, but what are you gonna do?).

When I was younger, it seemed that tidbits of information could be stored infinitely inside my cranium. I would hear or learn something, and suddenly it was there forever. It is because of this that I can remember who won the Battle of Saratoga in the American Revolution or who won Super Bowl I. But earlier this week, I went to take a midterm and wound up realizing my usual method for learning had for the first time that I can remember had failed me. I looked at the midterm, its letters seemingly reformed to say "Game Over, Mate" in the shape of a frog with an Australian accent (another Simpsons thing) and that's about all I saw for some time.

Convinced that all I had to do was rearrange some stuff up there, I began to rack my brain. Little snapshots of things flashed by and I was able to scratch out some kind of answer. I'm afraid I'll have to leave you in suspense as to how the test turned out; I haven't received my grade yet.

Oh and FYI, I drove home perfectly safely after the test. But I did burst out giggling for twenty minutes for no reason later that night . Oh well.

You Don't Need An Elephant for These Mountains

"The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains, I hate them so much!"

This line comes from Homer after running away from a kidney transplant for his dad and is looking for a place to get away. This episode is not one of my favorites (a Quotin-ist Blog first!), but this line is one that I find myself quoting quite often, if not always thinking about it.

So, like several of my posts previously, this one comes as a result of one of my classes; in this case, my political geography class. The professor, dutifully preparing us for an upcoming exam, was discussing how the topography of an area can influence its actions or directions. The discussion turned to how mountains help to give protection and isolation, leading to diversified religious and ethnic groups and further disunity on the whole. All this due to mountains isolating people from the rest of the world. Wow, good on you if you read through all of that and still want to read more. "But," you may ask, "where is/are the joke/s in all of this? C'mon monkey man, make me chortle with delight!" Once again, good on you if those exact words went through your head. It took me several rewrites.

Well, I hate to disappoint my audience (a goal at which I often fail, just ask the audience at the sketch comedy group audition I went to a few weeks ago), so here is the transcript of the discussion I lead in my head with the class, my argument based on Homer's thoughts:

Me: But, Professor, why would groups seeking for relief go to the mountains?

Prof: Well, they offer protection, relative safety, isolation from bigger, possibly oppressive majorities, and a smaller group to govern over.

Me: Yes, but we all know the reputation of mountains...(strange looks from the majority of the class) You know, how they're jerks?

Prof:...I'm sorry I'm afraid I don't follow.

Me: You know, how they're mean. I know of a few instances where the mountains were rejected as a place to hide because it is very unforgiving.

Prof: Oh, because it is unforgiving! Yes, well mountainous living is not the most hospitable life, but it does offer relative safety and isolation.

Me: Well, there's that, and also because they are not very charitable places to be. Why not the sea? After all, "the sea forgives all," right?

Prof: The sea is even harder to live on than mountains. Disease is more prevalent on the sea, worthy vessels must be found, and no permanent, renewable crops exist on the sea. So if anything, the sea is more unforgiving than mountains.

Me: That doesn't make any sense.

Prof: What doesn't?

Me: The sea less forgiving than mountains? Not likely.

Prof: Do you mean to suggest that the sea literally forgives, as in absolving and providing relief in previous wrongdoing?

Me: Yes, isn't that what we've been talking about?

Prof: No, not even sort of. We have been talking about the inhabitability of areas for groups to become isolated from pursuing enemies. We, that is, the rest of the class, has been discussing the socio-economic, political, linguistic, and physical ramifications of a group settling in the mountains and what that does to the state and consequently the surrounding area. You, on the other hand, seem to have it in your mind that the mountains are vindictive, unforgiving, merciless, personified beings who wish to make life miserable for those who choose to live there, meanwhile the sea is the ideal place to live for someone escaping conscience.

Me: D'OH!

If you're still asking, "But, where is/are the joke/s? You mean I just read all of that for no reason?!?" you should have been in that audition crowd.

I don't remember much of the resulting actual discussion the class had. And again, good on you if you understood what the professor was saying. I sure didn't.