Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 5 The List Strikes Back

And now, before the end of 2011, the end of the List.

5. "Mother Simpson"-Season 7
Guest star-Glenn Close as Mother Simpson, Harry Morgan as Bill Gannon
Memorable quotes: Marge: Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past. Mother Simpson: Can't reminisce. Sleeping. (starts snoring)
Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I hate you, Walt freakin' Whitman! Leaves of grass, my ass!
Lisa: (turning on the dryer) So no one will be able to hear us... Bart: What!? Lisa: (turning off the dryer) All right, we don't need the dryer! Bart: What!?
Made me cry: Every time
Notes: This episode has a lot of great allusions to previous episodes, lots of heart, and we get to see a very human side to Homer. Love it

4. "Bart vs. Australia"-Season 6
Guest Star-Phil Hartman as Evan Connover
Memorable quotes: Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense! It's one of their proudest traditions! [He points it out using the Australian Flag, which inaccurately shows a boot kicking the buttocks]
Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! 'Cos as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".
Bart: Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. Homer: That's no reason to block the TV.
Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you. [Gus tends his swine]
Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. [they go down to a lake] Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy! Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?
Lisa: [weepy] Thank you, Bart. I promise I won't make fun of you later for this.
Homer: [sniffs] Show 'em what American butts are made of, Son.
Made me cry: No
Notes: Too many great quotes to really narrow them down but here are some of my favorites.

3. "Lisa's Substitute"-Season 2
Guest Star-Sam Etic (Dustin Hoffman) as Mr. Bergstrom
Memorable quotes: Miss Hoover: "You see, class, my Lyme Disease turned out to be" (Spells on blackboard) "psychosomatic." Ralph: "Does that mean you're crazy?" Janey: "No, that means she was faking it." Miss Hoover: "No, actually, it was a little of both."
Homer: "Bart, does the class president get paid?" Bart: "No." Homer: "Does he have to do extra work?" Bart: "Yes." Homer: "And is this Martin Prince going to get to do anything neat, like throw out the first ball at the World Series?"
Bart: "Hell no!" Homer: "So let the baby have his bottle! That is what I always tell myself." Bart: "Thanks, Dad."
Made me cry: Yes
Notes: This one has some good quotes, but the reason I like this one is mostly because it is so sweet and we get to see some actual character growth from all the Simpsons.

2. "Homer's Phobia"-Season 8
Guest star-John Waters as John
Memorable quotes-Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little "festive" to you? Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam. Marge: He prefers the company of men! Homer: Who doesn't? Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho - mo... Homer: Right. Marge: ...Sexual. Homer: AAAAHHH!
Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us out on a drive today, and we're going. Homer: Whoa! Not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way. Marge: What on Earth are you talking about? Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FA-LAMING
Homer: You! I should have known. John: Good morning, sunshine. Marge: Homer, John brought us cactus candy. Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family! John: Well, now you don't get any candy. No that's cruel. Just take a teensy piece.
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now? Rosco: We work hard, we play hard.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Once again, too many good quotes to narrow down but certainly one of my most favorite episodes. That's why it's number 2.

1. "Lisa on Ice"-Season 6
Guest star-none
Memorable quotes-Skinner: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy. Bart: Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!
Mrs. Krabappel: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't gotten one right answer all day.
Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! (Flicks light on and off.) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown. Krusty: [singing] Oh say, can you see..La la la, da da light, what so proudly we... ya la la yah...oh... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.
Made me cry: Yes
Notes: I love hockey. I love the Simpsons. I love this episode. Period.

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 4 List Free or Die Hard

Our countdown continues with numbers 10-6

10. "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer"-Season 8
Guest Star: Johnny Cash as Homer's Spirit Guide
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Maybe we do have a--" Marge: "Profound mystical understanding?" Homer: "We do! Oh, Marge! We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote!" Marge: "Space coyote?"
Homer: "Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it."
Homer: "Look, just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya!"
(Homer's silhouette can be seen in the lighthouse's spotlight) Bart: "Hey, look! Is that dad?" Lisa: "Either that or Batman's really let himself go."
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I've already blogged about a quote or two from this episode, so it seems fitting that it cracks my top ten. It starts out pretty normal, then gets really strange once Homer has the Guatemalan insanity peppers, but then levels out to a very sweet ending, including a dance sequence to the song about hot pants. Yeah, it's a strange one, but I like it in a way that even I have trouble understanding.

9. "Brother from the Same Planet"-Season 4
Guest Star: Phil Hartman as Tom
Memorable quotes: Administrator: "And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?" Homer's Brain: "Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!" Homer: "Uh, revenge?
Homer's Brain: That's it, I'm gettin' outta here." (The sound of footsteps and a door slam.)
(a homeless man sleeps in a dumpster) Homer: "Hehehe, Just like Oscar the grouch."
Homer: "For your information, I'm his father." Tom: "You mean the drunken gambler?" Homer: "Yes and who might you be?"
Ned: "Hey Homie, I can see your doodle." Homer: "Shut up, Flanders."
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Originally, this episode was supposed to feature Tom Cruise as the voice of Tom the Bigger Brother. However, at the last minute, for reasons that were unclear to the producers, Tom backed out and they had to use Phil Hartman. Now that they say the character was designed for Tom Cruise, I can see it. They created this character that suited his style in the 90s. Now they would probably just create a really short guy that jumps on couches.

8. "Hurricane Neddy"-Season 8
Guest star: Jon Lovitz as Jay Sherman
Memorable quotes: Homer: "I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. (to Dr. Foster) Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?" Ned: "Ho ho ho, very funny wise guy." Homer: "Oh, that's it; you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there grinning moronally." Ned: (to Dr. Foster) "Hi, neighbor!"
Ned: (to Lenny) "And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!" Lenny: "Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?"
Asylum Receptionist: "Would you like to be shown to your room or dragged away kicking and screaming?" Ned: "Ooh, kicking and screaming, please."
Homer: "Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheel-barrel full of love!" Apu: "And a cement-mixer full of hope, and some cement."
Made me cry: No
Notes: This episode is great because we finally see some depth to Flanders' personality. We were introduced to Ned's parents in the episode "The PTA Disbands!" and we discovered that they were a bunch of beatniks. Another one of my favorite lines from this one is when Ned's mom tells Dr. Foster, "You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin', and we're all outta ideas." It's also nice to see Flanders as a real human being, instead of the super-neighbor he had been in most of the previous episodes. This was one of the favorite episodes of another Simpsons fanat that I met while living in Mongolia.

7. "Much Apu About Nothing"-Season 7
Guest star: Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony
Memorable quotes: Bodyguard: "Sir, there's an angry mob here to see you." Mayor Quimby: "Does it have an appointment?" Bodyguard: "Yes, it does." Principal Skinner: "I phoned ahead!"
Crowd: "Down with taxes! Down with taxes!" Mayor Quimby: "Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?" Aide: "Dumber, sir. They won't give up the bear patrol, but they won't pay the tax for it either."
Homer: "Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm." Lisa: "That's specious reasoning, Dad." Homer: "Thank you, sweetie." Lisa: "Dad, by your reasoning, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away." Homer: "Uh-huh, and how does it work?" Lisa: "It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock." Homer: "I see." Lisa: "But you don't see any tigers around, do you?" Homer: "Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock."
Apu: "Oh, no! I fell asleep! I've forgotten everything Mr. Simpson has taught me!" Lisa: "Perfect. Let's go!"
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I love this episode from beginning to end. The bear who has come down from the hills "in search of food or possibly employment," the community's completely absurd reaction, the over-reaction by the government, another absurd reaction by the public leads to a knee-jerk decision to deport illegal immigrants I think about sums up the dynamics of government sometimes. There are small things that happen causing a huge reaction by the government which enrages the public, and so on. It's great, another triumph.

6. "Deep Space Homer"-Season 5
Guest Star: Buzz Aldrin and James Taylor as themselves.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day I kept saying, 'I'll go a little later. I'll go a little later.' And then when I got there, they told me he'd just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he would ever come back again, (sniffs) he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again! I'm going into space right now!"
Homer: "The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell! (sobs)"
James Taylor: (singing) "Sweet dreams and flying machines, in pieces on the ground. Oops. Uh, sweet dreams and flying machines, flying safely through the air."
NASA Man: "Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner."
Made me cry: Maybe when Homer is talking about when he could have seen Mr. T at the mall.
Notes: This one is great. I wish there were more than five numbers between one and five because I think this one should have been in it. We see Homer's rage finally come in handy twice, as his angry call to NASA puts him in the running to go to space and his rage at trying to beat up Race Banyon closes the door, allowing them to make it back to earth safely. We also see Homer getting upstaged by an inanimate carbon rod, even when he was a hero. He may have just pulled a "Homer," but he still deserved some credit.

Come back soon for the exciting conclusion!

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 3 Revenge of the List

Sorry it's been almost a month since my last post and I know all of you were just DYING to read my next five favorite episodes, so I'm sorry but this last month has been a very busy one for me as I was writing my capstone paper in an effort to graduate. So I think you'll forgive me. And now, without further "Apu"...

15. "Homer the Great"-Season 6
Guest Star: Patrick Stewart as Number 1
Memorable Quotes: Homer: "Ohh, why won't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"
Bart: "What do they do there?" Homer: "What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!" Lisa: "You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?" Homer: "Not as such, no."
Marge: "I don't want you stalking anyone tonight." Homer: "Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. I'm... going outside to... stalk Lenny and Carl. D'oh!"
Homer: "I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is. And it's me." Marge: "You're not a god, Homer." Lisa: "Remember Dad, all glory is fleeting." Homer: "So?" Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March." Homer: "No." Lisa: "Dad I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!" Homer: "Everything lasts forever." Lisa: "Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless." Homer: "Remove the girl!" Lisa: "Dad you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackies to carry out your every--" (Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away)
Made me cry: No
Notes: Love the song "We Do," because it since the club is supposed to be a parody of the Freemasons, this song illustrates inexplicable things in our society that happen that some people attribute to some crazy conspiracy theory like the Freemasons making it happen. You know, crazy things like keeping the Martians under wraps and making Steve Guttenberg a star, stuff like that. I think my favorite line from this one is when Homer says, "I always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is. And it's me." Such a classic Homer line because it's so disjointed from reality and narcissistic, but eventually Homer comes back down to Earth. And let's face it, we all know someone who wouldn't surprise us if he said he thought he was God.

14. "Lemon of Troy"-Season 6
Guest star: None
Memorable quotes: Bart: "That lemon tree is a part of our town. And as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!"
Marge: "Where are you going, Bart?" Bart: "Mom, you won't believe this, but something you said the other day really got through to me. And now, I'm going to teach some kid a lesson." (Bart leaves the house) Marge: "I choose to take that literally." Bart: (yelling from outside) "Death to Shelbyville!" Homer: (raising his beer) "Yes, Bart's a tutor now. Tute on, son. Tute on!"
Bart: "Ok, here's the plan: Nelson's tough guy, Martin's smart guy, and Todd is the quiet religious guy that ends up going crazy."
Bart: "Keep your voices down, men. We didn't come all this way to get found out." Homer: "Found 'em! You kids are in big trouble! Running away from home like this." Bart: "But they stole our lemon tree!" Homer: "I don't care what excuse you've got. Nothing's gonna stop me in the middle of this speech. You're gonna-- Lemon tree!?"
Made me cry: No
Notes: I love the references to the Trojan War in this episode, from the title to Homer commenting as they leave the motorhome they used to sneak into the impound lot saying, "No one in history has EVER done anything this clever." It's also interesting to see Bart be a part of something constructive, even if that something constructive takes place at the detriment of others. The parallels to Springfield that lie in Shelbyville are also great, like a Speed-E-Mart, Joe's, and the female Groundskeeper Willie.

13. "Brother from Another Series"-Season 8
Guest Star: Kelsey Grammar as Sideshow Bob, David Hyde Pierce as Cecil Terwilliger
Memorable quotes: Marge: "Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey." Homer: "Your mother's right, Bart. Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes--" Marge: "We're very proud of you, by the way." Homer: "--and sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could." Marge: "But, he's safely locked away." Homer: "In a medium-security prison." Marge: "For life!" Homer: "Unless he gets out somehow." Marge: "Which is impossible." Homer: "Or so you'd think! Except he's done it so many times before."
Sideshow Bob: "I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who've turned the saniJohn into a smokehouse! Coveralls that don't quite cover all! And a psychotic little boy who won't stop hounding me!"
Sideshow Bob: "Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at Clown College?" Cecil: "I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."
Lisa: "But everyone will know you did this!" Cecil: "Perhaps. Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal, you know, the one with the grudge against Springfield?" Sideshow Bob: "Now I know Cousin Merle has had his troubles with the law, but he's hardly a master crim--Oh. You were referring to me." Cecil: "Yes, I'm framing you. And I'm doing a really excellent job at it."..."By the way, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside." Sideshow Bob: "Well, obviously."
Made me cry: No
Notes: Any "Top __" list of the Simpsons that omits an episode with Sideshow Bob is lying to you and itself. It's hard to ignore the great episodes and lines that accompany Kelsey Grammar's character, and his voice is divine. I had a hard time deciding between this episode and "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming," which is another great one, but I decided on this one because of the Frasier references, and because in this episode, Bob is shown to have reformed but because of the system, is not trusted to have reformed. I used to watch Frasier as a kid and didn't understand a lot of it when they talked really fast about wines and such, so this episode seems a little like an inside joke between me and the show.

12. "Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily"-Season 7
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Reverend Lovejoy: "Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same."
Homer: "What advantages does this motor car have over say, a train, which I could also afford." Car Salesman: "Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet, and the- (Homer drives off, comes back) -massages your buttocks. Well Count Homer, shall we discuss the-" Homer: "No we shant. Yoink!" (grabs tickets from man's pocket and runs)
Marge: "It's so quiet here without the kids." Homer: "What I wouldn't give to here Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. (speaks into saxophone) Saxa-ma-phone, saxa-ma-phone."
Cletus: "Pa, I done cut myself on the screen door again." Homer: "Why you cotton-pickin'! (Chokes Cletus) No, I gotta pass this class for my kids. Son, let's stop all the fussin' and feudin'." Cletus: "I love you, Pa!" Homer: "I love you, Cletus!"
Made me cry: Yes, and still does
Notes: This episode gives us a look into the dynamics that are in the Flanders' home and let's us see what happens to Homer and Marge without the kids. Homer often wonders what it would be like without children, forgets how many he has, or is one of the worst fathers ever, but this episode shows just how far Homer is willing to go to save his family. And yes, this episode makes me cry for realsies. I am bothered that Flanders goes to baptize the Simpsons so quickly, because I have known people that adopt or foster children and changing their religion or anything like that is a very long, drawn out process, so I'm a little bothered with how cavalier Flanders is, but then I remind myself it's just a show, I should really just relax.

11. "You Only Move Twice"-Season 8
Guest star: Albert Brooks as Hank Scorpio
Memorable quotes: Scorpio: "There's the Hammock Hut. That's on Third. There's Hammocks 'R' Us. That's on Third, too. You got Put Your Butt There. That's on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Matter of fact they're all in the same complex. It's the Hammock Complex, down on Third." Homer: "Oh, the Hammock District?"
P.A.: T minus 14 seconds. Scorpio: "If you need anything, you call me." Homer: "All right. What's the number?" Hank: "I've never had to call my own company. Someone will tell you upstairs. But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help a lot."
Marge: "Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush." Scorpio: "We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush. They'd be allowed to go at their own pace."
Homer: "I can't buy that. Only management guys with big salaries like me can afford that--guys like me! I'm a guy like me!"
Made me cry: No
Notes: This episode shows what would happen to the Simpsons far from the backdrop of their familiar surroundings and supporting cast. I love the Character that Homer winds up working for: A Bond-villain with big plans, who treats his employees with respect. Finally, when Homer is good at his job and gets respect from his employer, it turns out his family wants to return home and he works for a supervillain. I always love when Albert Brooks is on the show, but Hank Scorpio may be my favorite character of his. Bart being in the remedial class with the Canadian is one of the most quoted things in my family, and seeing the dynamic of Bart in a school that actually cares about its students is great.

Coming Soon: Epic parts four and five of the epic Top 27 list coming up epically...like a certain movie franchise I know.

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 2-List Harder

I'll forgo the quote and stuff, as this series of posts is just that, a series. And so we jump right into number 20.

20. "The Last Exit to Springfield"-Season 4
Guest Star: Dr. Joyce Brothers as herself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh." Marge: "Hmm, that doesn't sound like they like you at all." Homer: "You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head." (the next morning Homer punches Lenny)
Dr. Wolfe: "How often do you brush, Ralph?" Ralph: "Three times a day, sir." Dr. Wolfe: "Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?" (Followed by the Big Book of British Smiles)
Kent: "Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur." Homer: "AAAAHH!" Kent: "Um, my director is asking me not to talk to you anymore." Homer: "Woohoo!"
Message: Eh, I'm not really sure. Dumb luck conquers all? I do like Homer's Stooge dance at the end of the episode when he has to step down as union president
Made me cry: A little, but only because dentists kinda freak me out.
Notes: I found out that Anthony Hopkins was originally contacted to play the dentist, Dr. Wolfe. Now I try to imagine his voice over the dentist's, and it makes me happy. Entertainment Weekly said that this was the best episode ever. I think they just said that because there are so many movie spoofs in this one, like the Godfather and Batman. So I guess I felt like I needed to include it in this list. Nah, it's a good episode.

19. "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"-Season 5
Guest Star: If you count Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
Memorable quotes: Homer: "(thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."
Homer: "Jump Willy! Jump! Jump with all your might! (cries)" (On TV) Woman: "Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he's crushed our boy!" Man: "Ugh, what a mess." Homer: "Ooh, I don't like this new director's cut!"
Bart: (about Principal Skinner) "He is like some sort of ... non ... giving up ... school guy!"
Message: Hotels expect you to steal a few things, if you skip school, you may wind up being the only witness to a crime, and Heaven help you if your principal chases you down as you skip school.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I originally made my top 25 list, but I had omitted this one. Then one night I watched it and realized that I needed to include it. I also like how Bart spells "Lincoln" in his vision as "L-I-N-C-O-N." Also, this episode shows even more how the Quimby family is like the Kennedys, which is great.

18. "Homer the Vigilante"-Season 5
Guest Star: Sam Neill as Molloy
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown!"
Ned: "Hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos!" Homer: "Can't talk, robbed, go Hell."
Kent Brockman: "Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?" Homer: "Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes." Kent Brockman: (pause) "Mmm, touche."
Message: Old people are not worthless. I love how Homer is so well-intentioned when he goes to get Lisa's saxophone back, and how easily he is distracted in his goal. However, true to his character, he does eventually get it back.
Made me cry: No
Notes: In one of my favorite spoofs of the series, the end few minutes is like the movie "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World," and even has the big "W" that the characters are looking for next to the big "T" the Simpsons are looking for. Also, I realized while watching this episode that Sam Neill's voice is as smooth as velvet.

17. "I Love Lisa"-Season 4
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as Rex
Memorable quotes: Ralph: "The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there."
Homer: "I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English..." Lisa: "I get the idea." Homer: "I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will."
Homer: "You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops." Chief Wiggum: "They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?"
Message: Be careful who you pity, "Monster Mash" is a song appropriate for any occasion, and this is how I learned that William Henry Harrison was only president for 30 days.
Made me cry: No, I am not Groundskeeper Willie
Notes: I had a really hard time with this one getting down to only three quotes as well. One of my favorites is "So, do you like, stuff?" but I couldn't include it because the nose bleed line is a classic. It's hard to go wrong with Ralph Wiggum, and throw in the added funny lines of Bart and Homer about going to Krusty's show, and this one is a classic.

16. "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"-Season 8
Guest Star: Dave Thomas as Rex Banner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony
Memorable quotes: Mayor Quimby: "You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?" Aide: (Quietly) "Election in November. Election in November." Mayor Quimby: "What? Again? This stupid country."
Marge: "Why do you have so many bowling balls?" Homer: "I'm not gonna lie to you Marge. (pauses) See ya!"
Reporter: "What about the beer baron?" Banner: "I suspect he was just a figment of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. (tries to laugh, chokes and coughs instead) Well, you all know what laughter sounds like."
Message: Reinforces that prohibition only works in the movies, wait, never mind.
Made me cry: Maybe only from laughing
Notes: I had a really difficult time narrowning down the quotes for this one too because there are so many great one-liners, and just about everything that Rex Banner said makes me laugh. I've loved Dave Thomas from his "Bob and Doug McKenzie" sketches and from the movie "Strange Brew." I'm part Canadian, so it's a part of my heritage, eh?

I'll be posting numbers 15-11 at around the same Bat-Season on the same Bat-Blog, so stay tuned!

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...

"Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world."

This quote comes from Comic Book Guy Jeff Albertson in the episode "The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show." When asked about the preceding episode, this is what he responded with. Of course, the most iconic quote from CBG was in the same sentence, "Worst. Episode. Ever.", but I'm saving that one for a later date. It's just that this blog hasn't been around forever, and I don't want it to become cliche.

I wanted to use a CBG quote, because, as I promised about a year ago, I finally have my list of my 27 favorite Simpsons episodes. Why 27 you ask? Well, for starters, I have posted 27 times now, "27" itself is a Simpsons quote, and 27 is a funny number. Go ahead and find a funnier one. I have also been inspired by ESPN.com's NBA lockout filler NBA material, where they ranked 400 current players.

So here we go, my favorite episodes. The criteria is not standardized at all, but I generally like to have funny guest stars, numerous memorable quotes, a good message, based on a topic I like, and bonus points for making me cry. With that, I start with #27.

27. "The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star"-Season 16
Guest Star: Liam Neeson as the hip priest Father Sean
Memorable quotes: Marge: "Homer, you've been out all night, and it looks like you've accepted someone as your personal something...Were you at that Catholic Church?"
Father Sean's Dad: "Just like your mother, can't take a punch!"
Father Sean: "I was laying in the gutter picking up me teeth when St. Peter himself appears before me. 'Sean, yah wanker', he says, 'repent of your wicked ways or sod off!'. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight."
Message: Bart summarizes how I feel about the current religious world divide: "Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!"
Made me cry: No
Notes: Religion with the Simpsons is a bit of a toss-up for me. Sometimes it is really funny, like in this episode. Sometimes, it is just kind of uncomfortable. However, some of the stereotypical Catholic and Protestant scenes in the episode were great, like how the Irish angel told everyone in Catholic Heaven to "Dance, ye heavenly gobs!"

26. "The Cartridge Family"-Season 9
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Come to the NRA meeting with me and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more."
Sarcastic Clerk: "Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley!" Homer: "I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!"
Salesman: "But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives!" Homer: "I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are."
Message: Family is very important. Homer finally realizes that what he wants most in life is his family, and he can't have that as long as he has the gun.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I've used the Sarcastic Clerk's line listed above a lot. I'm not a gun person, but I do like calling people Annie Oakley for some reason.

25. "Homer's Enemy"-Season 8
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Grimes: (talking about Homer) "God, he eats like a pig!" Lenny: "I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck."
(Bart notices that the factory has collapsed) Bart: "Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!" Milhouse: "I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over."
Frank Grimes: "If this were any other country, you'd have starved to death long ago." Bart: "He's got you there, Dad."
Message: Not really sure, some people have to work really hard while others skate through life? I really like how bothered Homer is that he has an enemy. I have a feeling I would act similarly.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Bart and Milhouse's exchange listed above is one of our family's favorite quotes.

24. "Simpson Tide"-Season 9
Guest Star: Bob Denver as himself, Rod Steiger as Captain Tenille
Memorable quotes: Man: "Attention, Homer Simpson. you have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire." Homer: "Uh ... it's my first day!"
Lisa: "Be careful, Dad." Homer: "Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. (Homer starts imagining) Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?"
Tennille: "I'm a man of few words. Any questions?" Homer: "Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?" Tennille: (laughs) "I like the cut of your jib." Homer: "What's a jib?" Tennille: (laughs, then speaks to his sergeant) "Promote that man."
Message: The military is silly. No, just kidding. This favorite has less to do with the message, and more with the context. I love almost every line in this episode.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Great name of Captain Tenille. While on the base, Homer ties the perfect sheep shank, a knot for which his drill sargeant commends him, but then says he should tie the other end to the ship. I know how to tie a sheep shank. And they said I would never learn anything from Boy Scouts. The picture at the beginning of this post is from that episode, and I love it so.

23. "Behind the Laughter"-Season 11
Guest Star: Aside from the ones from the clips they showed, just Jim Forbes, the narrator
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Why did I take so much punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs."
Narrator: "The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?"
Lenny: "Even Bart was throwin' dough around. He paid me and Carl $1000 to kiss each other." Carl: "Hey, did we ever get that money?" (long pause)
Message: Not really present, but I love a lot of the lines from this one.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I used to watch "Behind the Music" on VH1 a lot when I was younger, and this episode was so much like that show that it was impossible for me not to like it.

22. "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation"-Season 14
Guest Star: Brian Setzer as himself, Keith Richards as himself, Lenny Kravitz as himself, Mick Jagger as himself, Tom Petty as himself, and Elvis Costello as himself.
Memorable quotes: Brian Setzer: "We'll start with the fundamentals -- playing a burning guitar with your teeth."
Mick Jagger: And no matter where you are, you always say "It's the wildest town in the whole damn world." Wiggum: "So when you said it in Springfield last year you didn't mean it?" Mick Jagger: "Yeah sure I did, but only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world." (everyone cheers)
Homer: "My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream!"
Message: I like how the family comes together to give Homer a chance to go to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, even though he's kind of a jerk on TV to them.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I love all the guest stars they got for this one, and the crying Kenny Loggins when Apu asks about crotch stuffing.

21. "Homer and Apu"-Season 5
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as the TV comedian, James Woods as himself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Hey! He's not happy at all! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that!"
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because I only need one!
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: Really!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: You!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening to you. Thank you, come again!
Homer: "Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
Message: You need to face your demons, people lie through song a lot, and James Woods is hilarious.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I had a really hard time narrowing this one down to three quotes from this espisode, there are so many. I wanted to include the line where Apu thought he was a hummingbird, or where James Woods is swearing at his oven, or when McGruff the Crime Dog is barking out a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or when Homer remarks, "That dog can sell anything."

Stay tuned for the next post, numbers 20-16!

"Spooky"

"Boo. Exit to the left."

This quote comes from the episode "Bart Carny," when Bart and Lisa go to the carnival and ride "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," a "spooky" ride. The quote is toward the end of the ride where a repairman is working on something and sees the kids. He attempts to scare, and also to ensure the safety and well-being of all the ride's patrons. Other great sight gags include a spring shooting out of a coffin saying "I vant your blood!" and Bart surmises that it is probably broken, or when a skeleton comes down and is accompanied by the sound "Hee-haw" and Lisa remarks that it was just confusing.

I'm sorry if you, upon seeing the title of this post, thought that I would be talking about the Atlanta Rhythm Section. I will not. Shoot, I just did, didn't I? Anyhow, I'd like to talk about one of the four great American holidays, Halloween. The other great American holidays are Christmas (I know it's international, but come on. American consumerism has DEFINED the modern holiday of Christmas. Also, if movies are to be believed, Tim Allen is the acting Santa Claus, and what's more American than Tim Allen?), Thanksgiving (if ever there is another holiday that embodies the American notion of eating a lot, watching football, and glossing over ugly parts in our history better than Thanksgiving, I haven't found it), and the Fourth of July (Yes, it's patriotic and yes, it's America's birthday, but the reason it is a great American holiday is again because we eat delicious food like barbecue and then we blow things up. That's the American way).

I believe that Halloween is a great time of year for many reasons. 1) The candy. This is really more applicable for kids, but now I have to buy candy to give to kids. Jerry Seinfeld wrote a book about being a kid during Halloween, and he is absolutely right. The absolute euphoria that comes to a child's mind when they find out that everyone they know is just giving out candy. For nothing. All night. Now that I buy candy for kids, and I live on the third floor of an apartment that looks scary at night. And not the good, Halloween-kind of scary. That means that most of the candy I buy is not consumed by cowboys, astronauts, or Justin Beiber, but by me. And that, tender reader, is awesome.

2) The costumes. This holiday gives you the chance to be someone else for a night. At least it used to when I was a kid, and the person I usually wanted to be was a Ghostbuster. I forget just how many Halloweens I used as an excuse to be like Bill Murray, but it was a lot. Also, how many times can you pretend to be someone else without being mentally sized-up for a straight jacket by whomever you're talking to? If I were to dress up and act like a pirate on June 13, you would think I earned a one-way trip to a padded room and Bingo every other Wednesday. But for whatever reason, October 31 gives you almost diplomatic immunity-type leeway to be whatever you want.

3) The scaring. Again, how many days out of the year do people actually expect and want to be scared out of their wits? I like to be on the scaring end more than the scared end, but getting scared can be fun. What's even better than scaring or being scared, however, is watching other, easily-scared people get scared. This can be very entertaining if the ones being scared have a good attitude toward the situation. It can be very awkward if they suddenly have a bad attitude about being the one who is always being scared. Still funny, just not "ha-ha" funny. We happened to be in the company of such at a haunted forest last night, and they are the kind to have in front of you the whole time to avoid, how shall we say, unpleasant surprises.

My wife and I went to this haunted forest last night with her company for a work party. Never having been to one, and feeling generally throwy-uppy the whole day before then (having a Statistics take-home exam can do that to you), I was a little unsure of what to expect. My only clues came from "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," the "Tuesday the 17th" and "In Plain Fright" episodes of Psych, and every Scooby-Doo episode I've ever seen. Additionally, none of the people we went with had been to the haunted forest for more than five years. I have many theories as to why this is, foremost among them being, having seen the average age and maturity of fellow patrons, that once one has graduated from high school, it is no longer amusing to see high school drop-outs try to scare everyone in a dimly-lit environment anymore. The real scare becomes, "Holy crap, what mistakes did you make in your life and how can I avoid them?" But I digress.

Sidenote: I seem to say "But I digress" in this blog quite a bit. Should I perhaps change the title of my blog to reflect this sentiment? End sidenote.

I must say, the experience was not all-together totally unpleasant. Sure, there were unpleasant moments, like the Clown Room or when one of the frightened members of our group came up behind me and grabbed the back of my hoodie, causing me to do the same to my wife, causing her to do the same to the person in front of her, etc. And, like Dr. Frightmarestein's hangout and the ending of "Source Code," there were a few confusing moments as well. The old tribal warriors chanting stuff was one of those confusing moments for me. "Oh no, they're going to chant at me...heh, I like that guy's hat. It looks like a monster. Rawr, rawr, rawr! Heh heh."

Then there were things like the Swine Flu Room. That was just gross. Not scary gross, like an eyeball or something. Just gross. Since when does gross = scary? Granted, there are somethings I've seen in a gas station restroom going from Arizona to Utah, Utah to California, or Arizona to California, that still haunt me to this day. Why, why, why would anyone change their bandages in a gas station bathroom? Heck, even public libraries are more sanitary! It changes the whole situation from "Let's stop infection!" to "Anyone have a cure for meningitis in their pocket?" How is that a good idea?!?

Mostly, it was kind of gory. I'll admit, gory stuff is usually scary, but since when did it become that the only way to scare people was to show them a bunch of guts? If nothing else, Hitchcock showed us that suspense and thrills with minimal gore could be some of the scariest moments ever. Gore leaves me weak in the knees, but not because I was scared, but because I'm worried about things like eboli and botulism. My dad and I ran for the bathroom after being in one of those things that had raw ground beef for someone's brains or grapes for their eyes. That wasn't because we were scared, but because we watched 20/20 and knew the dangers that raw meat left out could bring.

But again, Halloween is a great time of year for all the reasons I mentioned, and because it is fall and the weather is beautiful. Oh, just in case you were wondering, we made it out of the forest safely, and we did exit to the left.

Love That Song

"Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together!"

This is a song from the episode "Marge on the Lam" that plays twice in the episode: Once when Ruth Powers accidentally puts that song on at the beginning of the night, and again when Chief Wiggum starts a high speed chase. It's the kind of song that gets stuck in your head pretty easily.

I would like to take time to let you in on a little secret: When I like something, I really like it. So, for those of you that are my friends on Facebook, I will tell you that if I don't like your status, most likely it is nothing personal, I just take that kind of thing very seriously. I can't go around, liking everyone's status like, "Just made a salad!" or anything that tells you when to laugh out loud. Frankly, if I can't tell when to laugh out loud, you shouldn't tell me. Your status should tell me on its own merits. But I digress.

When it comes to music, when I like a song, I really like it. Like it enough to listen to it over and over again. This kind of behavior is not completely unmerited, however. I come from a heritage of this kind of liking. My dad listened to "Dream On" by Aerosmith until the grooves in his 45 wore out. Same thing happened for Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle," when he listened to it for the entire 30minute trip from the river we took with one of my friends. Also, on his iTunes account it showed at one point he listened to Peter Gabriel's "The Book of Love" over 100 times. So, just saying, I have some precedent.

The songs that I hear and instantly love and then listen to a lot receive a name, a specific name that conjures up just how I feel about them. I loving refer to them as my "Drug Songs." These are the ones that I seem to have stuck in my head constantly, but in a good way. I hum it, I whistle it, I nod my head in a quiet classroom to it when no one else can hear it but me. No matter how I try, I can't shake these songs. So, rather than try to go cold turkey, I embrace the madness. I don't really care, I can listen to these songs over and over again and not get sick of them.

Here is a list of my "Drug Songs" as well as I can remember them:
Current: "The Distance" by Relient K (originally sung by Cake)
"Dream On" by Aerosmith
"Never Been to Spain" by Three Dog Night (I love this one so)
"With or Without You" by Late Night Habit (not originally sung by U2. This is a different song. Completely different. No Bono here. Ever)
"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin
"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson
"Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys
"Sloop John B" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (originally sung by The Beach Boys)
"The Color Blue" by Three House (originally sung by Three House)
"Straight Up" by Halifax (originally sung by a box of mewing kittens, um, I mean, Paula Abdul)
"Cup of Life" by Ricky Martin (Ha! just kidding)
"Dragostea Din Tei" by O-ZONE (in high school. That kid is awesome!)
"Uyanga" by A-Sound (Mongolian)
"The Distance" by Relient K (just listened to it again!)
The jingle from State Farm Insurance
"Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses
"Chain Me Free" by The Matches
And, last but certainly not least, "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

So there you have it. These are the songs that make up my consciousness most of the time. I love music, but whenever you see me, just make sure you turn off that dang Raffi record.