Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...Pt. 2-List Harder

I'll forgo the quote and stuff, as this series of posts is just that, a series. And so we jump right into number 20.

20. "The Last Exit to Springfield"-Season 4
Guest Star: Dr. Joyce Brothers as herself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh." Marge: "Hmm, that doesn't sound like they like you at all." Homer: "You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head." (the next morning Homer punches Lenny)
Dr. Wolfe: "How often do you brush, Ralph?" Ralph: "Three times a day, sir." Dr. Wolfe: "Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?" (Followed by the Big Book of British Smiles)
Kent: "Homer, organized labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur." Homer: "AAAAHH!" Kent: "Um, my director is asking me not to talk to you anymore." Homer: "Woohoo!"
Message: Eh, I'm not really sure. Dumb luck conquers all? I do like Homer's Stooge dance at the end of the episode when he has to step down as union president
Made me cry: A little, but only because dentists kinda freak me out.
Notes: I found out that Anthony Hopkins was originally contacted to play the dentist, Dr. Wolfe. Now I try to imagine his voice over the dentist's, and it makes me happy. Entertainment Weekly said that this was the best episode ever. I think they just said that because there are so many movie spoofs in this one, like the Godfather and Batman. So I guess I felt like I needed to include it in this list. Nah, it's a good episode.

19. "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"-Season 5
Guest Star: If you count Phil Hartman as Lionel Hutz
Memorable quotes: Homer: "(thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, boy. (singing) Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."
Homer: "Jump Willy! Jump! Jump with all your might! (cries)" (On TV) Woman: "Oh, no. Willy didn't make it! And he's crushed our boy!" Man: "Ugh, what a mess." Homer: "Ooh, I don't like this new director's cut!"
Bart: (about Principal Skinner) "He is like some sort of ... non ... giving up ... school guy!"
Message: Hotels expect you to steal a few things, if you skip school, you may wind up being the only witness to a crime, and Heaven help you if your principal chases you down as you skip school.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I originally made my top 25 list, but I had omitted this one. Then one night I watched it and realized that I needed to include it. I also like how Bart spells "Lincoln" in his vision as "L-I-N-C-O-N." Also, this episode shows even more how the Quimby family is like the Kennedys, which is great.

18. "Homer the Vigilante"-Season 5
Guest Star: Sam Neill as Molloy
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown!"
Ned: "Hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos!" Homer: "Can't talk, robbed, go Hell."
Kent Brockman: "Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?" Homer: "Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes." Kent Brockman: (pause) "Mmm, touche."
Message: Old people are not worthless. I love how Homer is so well-intentioned when he goes to get Lisa's saxophone back, and how easily he is distracted in his goal. However, true to his character, he does eventually get it back.
Made me cry: No
Notes: In one of my favorite spoofs of the series, the end few minutes is like the movie "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World," and even has the big "W" that the characters are looking for next to the big "T" the Simpsons are looking for. Also, I realized while watching this episode that Sam Neill's voice is as smooth as velvet.

17. "I Love Lisa"-Season 4
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as Rex
Memorable quotes: Ralph: "The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there."
Homer: "I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English..." Lisa: "I get the idea." Homer: "I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will."
Homer: "You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops." Chief Wiggum: "They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?"
Message: Be careful who you pity, "Monster Mash" is a song appropriate for any occasion, and this is how I learned that William Henry Harrison was only president for 30 days.
Made me cry: No, I am not Groundskeeper Willie
Notes: I had a really hard time with this one getting down to only three quotes as well. One of my favorites is "So, do you like, stuff?" but I couldn't include it because the nose bleed line is a classic. It's hard to go wrong with Ralph Wiggum, and throw in the added funny lines of Bart and Homer about going to Krusty's show, and this one is a classic.

16. "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"-Season 8
Guest Star: Dave Thomas as Rex Banner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony
Memorable quotes: Mayor Quimby: "You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?" Aide: (Quietly) "Election in November. Election in November." Mayor Quimby: "What? Again? This stupid country."
Marge: "Why do you have so many bowling balls?" Homer: "I'm not gonna lie to you Marge. (pauses) See ya!"
Reporter: "What about the beer baron?" Banner: "I suspect he was just a figment of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. (tries to laugh, chokes and coughs instead) Well, you all know what laughter sounds like."
Message: Reinforces that prohibition only works in the movies, wait, never mind.
Made me cry: Maybe only from laughing
Notes: I had a really difficult time narrowning down the quotes for this one too because there are so many great one-liners, and just about everything that Rex Banner said makes me laugh. I've loved Dave Thomas from his "Bob and Doug McKenzie" sketches and from the movie "Strange Brew." I'm part Canadian, so it's a part of my heritage, eh?

I'll be posting numbers 15-11 at around the same Bat-Season on the same Bat-Blog, so stay tuned!

Lists...Everyone Loves Lists...

"Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world."

This quote comes from Comic Book Guy Jeff Albertson in the episode "The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show." When asked about the preceding episode, this is what he responded with. Of course, the most iconic quote from CBG was in the same sentence, "Worst. Episode. Ever.", but I'm saving that one for a later date. It's just that this blog hasn't been around forever, and I don't want it to become cliche.

I wanted to use a CBG quote, because, as I promised about a year ago, I finally have my list of my 27 favorite Simpsons episodes. Why 27 you ask? Well, for starters, I have posted 27 times now, "27" itself is a Simpsons quote, and 27 is a funny number. Go ahead and find a funnier one. I have also been inspired by ESPN.com's NBA lockout filler NBA material, where they ranked 400 current players.

So here we go, my favorite episodes. The criteria is not standardized at all, but I generally like to have funny guest stars, numerous memorable quotes, a good message, based on a topic I like, and bonus points for making me cry. With that, I start with #27.

27. "The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star"-Season 16
Guest Star: Liam Neeson as the hip priest Father Sean
Memorable quotes: Marge: "Homer, you've been out all night, and it looks like you've accepted someone as your personal something...Were you at that Catholic Church?"
Father Sean's Dad: "Just like your mother, can't take a punch!"
Father Sean: "I was laying in the gutter picking up me teeth when St. Peter himself appears before me. 'Sean, yah wanker', he says, 'repent of your wicked ways or sod off!'. Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight."
Message: Bart summarizes how I feel about the current religious world divide: "Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!"
Made me cry: No
Notes: Religion with the Simpsons is a bit of a toss-up for me. Sometimes it is really funny, like in this episode. Sometimes, it is just kind of uncomfortable. However, some of the stereotypical Catholic and Protestant scenes in the episode were great, like how the Irish angel told everyone in Catholic Heaven to "Dance, ye heavenly gobs!"

26. "The Cartridge Family"-Season 9
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Come to the NRA meeting with me and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more."
Sarcastic Clerk: "Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley!" Homer: "I don't have to be careful, I got a gun!"
Salesman: "But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives!" Homer: "I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are."
Message: Family is very important. Homer finally realizes that what he wants most in life is his family, and he can't have that as long as he has the gun.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I've used the Sarcastic Clerk's line listed above a lot. I'm not a gun person, but I do like calling people Annie Oakley for some reason.

25. "Homer's Enemy"-Season 8
Guest Star: None
Memorable quotes: Grimes: (talking about Homer) "God, he eats like a pig!" Lenny: "I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck."
(Bart notices that the factory has collapsed) Bart: "Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!" Milhouse: "I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over."
Frank Grimes: "If this were any other country, you'd have starved to death long ago." Bart: "He's got you there, Dad."
Message: Not really sure, some people have to work really hard while others skate through life? I really like how bothered Homer is that he has an enemy. I have a feeling I would act similarly.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Bart and Milhouse's exchange listed above is one of our family's favorite quotes.

24. "Simpson Tide"-Season 9
Guest Star: Bob Denver as himself, Rod Steiger as Captain Tenille
Memorable quotes: Man: "Attention, Homer Simpson. you have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire." Homer: "Uh ... it's my first day!"
Lisa: "Be careful, Dad." Homer: "Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me. (Homer starts imagining) Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?"
Tennille: "I'm a man of few words. Any questions?" Homer: "Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?" Tennille: (laughs) "I like the cut of your jib." Homer: "What's a jib?" Tennille: (laughs, then speaks to his sergeant) "Promote that man."
Message: The military is silly. No, just kidding. This favorite has less to do with the message, and more with the context. I love almost every line in this episode.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: Great name of Captain Tenille. While on the base, Homer ties the perfect sheep shank, a knot for which his drill sargeant commends him, but then says he should tie the other end to the ship. I know how to tie a sheep shank. And they said I would never learn anything from Boy Scouts. The picture at the beginning of this post is from that episode, and I love it so.

23. "Behind the Laughter"-Season 11
Guest Star: Aside from the ones from the clips they showed, just Jim Forbes, the narrator
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Why did I take so much punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs."
Narrator: "The dream was over. Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was. Or was it?"
Lenny: "Even Bart was throwin' dough around. He paid me and Carl $1000 to kiss each other." Carl: "Hey, did we ever get that money?" (long pause)
Message: Not really present, but I love a lot of the lines from this one.
Made me cry: No.
Notes: I used to watch "Behind the Music" on VH1 a lot when I was younger, and this episode was so much like that show that it was impossible for me not to like it.

22. "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation"-Season 14
Guest Star: Brian Setzer as himself, Keith Richards as himself, Lenny Kravitz as himself, Mick Jagger as himself, Tom Petty as himself, and Elvis Costello as himself.
Memorable quotes: Brian Setzer: "We'll start with the fundamentals -- playing a burning guitar with your teeth."
Mick Jagger: And no matter where you are, you always say "It's the wildest town in the whole damn world." Wiggum: "So when you said it in Springfield last year you didn't mean it?" Mick Jagger: "Yeah sure I did, but only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world." (everyone cheers)
Homer: "My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream!"
Message: I like how the family comes together to give Homer a chance to go to Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp, even though he's kind of a jerk on TV to them.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I love all the guest stars they got for this one, and the crying Kenny Loggins when Apu asks about crotch stuffing.

21. "Homer and Apu"-Season 5
Guest Star: Michael Carrington as the TV comedian, James Woods as himself.
Memorable quotes: Homer: "Hey! He's not happy at all! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that!"
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because I only need one!
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: Really!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Homer: You!?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening to you. Thank you, come again!
Homer: "Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
Message: You need to face your demons, people lie through song a lot, and James Woods is hilarious.
Made me cry: No
Notes: I had a really hard time narrowing this one down to three quotes from this espisode, there are so many. I wanted to include the line where Apu thought he was a hummingbird, or where James Woods is swearing at his oven, or when McGruff the Crime Dog is barking out a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or when Homer remarks, "That dog can sell anything."

Stay tuned for the next post, numbers 20-16!

"Spooky"

"Boo. Exit to the left."

This quote comes from the episode "Bart Carny," when Bart and Lisa go to the carnival and ride "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," a "spooky" ride. The quote is toward the end of the ride where a repairman is working on something and sees the kids. He attempts to scare, and also to ensure the safety and well-being of all the ride's patrons. Other great sight gags include a spring shooting out of a coffin saying "I vant your blood!" and Bart surmises that it is probably broken, or when a skeleton comes down and is accompanied by the sound "Hee-haw" and Lisa remarks that it was just confusing.

I'm sorry if you, upon seeing the title of this post, thought that I would be talking about the Atlanta Rhythm Section. I will not. Shoot, I just did, didn't I? Anyhow, I'd like to talk about one of the four great American holidays, Halloween. The other great American holidays are Christmas (I know it's international, but come on. American consumerism has DEFINED the modern holiday of Christmas. Also, if movies are to be believed, Tim Allen is the acting Santa Claus, and what's more American than Tim Allen?), Thanksgiving (if ever there is another holiday that embodies the American notion of eating a lot, watching football, and glossing over ugly parts in our history better than Thanksgiving, I haven't found it), and the Fourth of July (Yes, it's patriotic and yes, it's America's birthday, but the reason it is a great American holiday is again because we eat delicious food like barbecue and then we blow things up. That's the American way).

I believe that Halloween is a great time of year for many reasons. 1) The candy. This is really more applicable for kids, but now I have to buy candy to give to kids. Jerry Seinfeld wrote a book about being a kid during Halloween, and he is absolutely right. The absolute euphoria that comes to a child's mind when they find out that everyone they know is just giving out candy. For nothing. All night. Now that I buy candy for kids, and I live on the third floor of an apartment that looks scary at night. And not the good, Halloween-kind of scary. That means that most of the candy I buy is not consumed by cowboys, astronauts, or Justin Beiber, but by me. And that, tender reader, is awesome.

2) The costumes. This holiday gives you the chance to be someone else for a night. At least it used to when I was a kid, and the person I usually wanted to be was a Ghostbuster. I forget just how many Halloweens I used as an excuse to be like Bill Murray, but it was a lot. Also, how many times can you pretend to be someone else without being mentally sized-up for a straight jacket by whomever you're talking to? If I were to dress up and act like a pirate on June 13, you would think I earned a one-way trip to a padded room and Bingo every other Wednesday. But for whatever reason, October 31 gives you almost diplomatic immunity-type leeway to be whatever you want.

3) The scaring. Again, how many days out of the year do people actually expect and want to be scared out of their wits? I like to be on the scaring end more than the scared end, but getting scared can be fun. What's even better than scaring or being scared, however, is watching other, easily-scared people get scared. This can be very entertaining if the ones being scared have a good attitude toward the situation. It can be very awkward if they suddenly have a bad attitude about being the one who is always being scared. Still funny, just not "ha-ha" funny. We happened to be in the company of such at a haunted forest last night, and they are the kind to have in front of you the whole time to avoid, how shall we say, unpleasant surprises.

My wife and I went to this haunted forest last night with her company for a work party. Never having been to one, and feeling generally throwy-uppy the whole day before then (having a Statistics take-home exam can do that to you), I was a little unsure of what to expect. My only clues came from "The Screamatorium of Dr. Frightmarestein," the "Tuesday the 17th" and "In Plain Fright" episodes of Psych, and every Scooby-Doo episode I've ever seen. Additionally, none of the people we went with had been to the haunted forest for more than five years. I have many theories as to why this is, foremost among them being, having seen the average age and maturity of fellow patrons, that once one has graduated from high school, it is no longer amusing to see high school drop-outs try to scare everyone in a dimly-lit environment anymore. The real scare becomes, "Holy crap, what mistakes did you make in your life and how can I avoid them?" But I digress.

Sidenote: I seem to say "But I digress" in this blog quite a bit. Should I perhaps change the title of my blog to reflect this sentiment? End sidenote.

I must say, the experience was not all-together totally unpleasant. Sure, there were unpleasant moments, like the Clown Room or when one of the frightened members of our group came up behind me and grabbed the back of my hoodie, causing me to do the same to my wife, causing her to do the same to the person in front of her, etc. And, like Dr. Frightmarestein's hangout and the ending of "Source Code," there were a few confusing moments as well. The old tribal warriors chanting stuff was one of those confusing moments for me. "Oh no, they're going to chant at me...heh, I like that guy's hat. It looks like a monster. Rawr, rawr, rawr! Heh heh."

Then there were things like the Swine Flu Room. That was just gross. Not scary gross, like an eyeball or something. Just gross. Since when does gross = scary? Granted, there are somethings I've seen in a gas station restroom going from Arizona to Utah, Utah to California, or Arizona to California, that still haunt me to this day. Why, why, why would anyone change their bandages in a gas station bathroom? Heck, even public libraries are more sanitary! It changes the whole situation from "Let's stop infection!" to "Anyone have a cure for meningitis in their pocket?" How is that a good idea?!?

Mostly, it was kind of gory. I'll admit, gory stuff is usually scary, but since when did it become that the only way to scare people was to show them a bunch of guts? If nothing else, Hitchcock showed us that suspense and thrills with minimal gore could be some of the scariest moments ever. Gore leaves me weak in the knees, but not because I was scared, but because I'm worried about things like eboli and botulism. My dad and I ran for the bathroom after being in one of those things that had raw ground beef for someone's brains or grapes for their eyes. That wasn't because we were scared, but because we watched 20/20 and knew the dangers that raw meat left out could bring.

But again, Halloween is a great time of year for all the reasons I mentioned, and because it is fall and the weather is beautiful. Oh, just in case you were wondering, we made it out of the forest safely, and we did exit to the left.

Love That Song

"Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together!"

This is a song from the episode "Marge on the Lam" that plays twice in the episode: Once when Ruth Powers accidentally puts that song on at the beginning of the night, and again when Chief Wiggum starts a high speed chase. It's the kind of song that gets stuck in your head pretty easily.

I would like to take time to let you in on a little secret: When I like something, I really like it. So, for those of you that are my friends on Facebook, I will tell you that if I don't like your status, most likely it is nothing personal, I just take that kind of thing very seriously. I can't go around, liking everyone's status like, "Just made a salad!" or anything that tells you when to laugh out loud. Frankly, if I can't tell when to laugh out loud, you shouldn't tell me. Your status should tell me on its own merits. But I digress.

When it comes to music, when I like a song, I really like it. Like it enough to listen to it over and over again. This kind of behavior is not completely unmerited, however. I come from a heritage of this kind of liking. My dad listened to "Dream On" by Aerosmith until the grooves in his 45 wore out. Same thing happened for Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle," when he listened to it for the entire 30minute trip from the river we took with one of my friends. Also, on his iTunes account it showed at one point he listened to Peter Gabriel's "The Book of Love" over 100 times. So, just saying, I have some precedent.

The songs that I hear and instantly love and then listen to a lot receive a name, a specific name that conjures up just how I feel about them. I loving refer to them as my "Drug Songs." These are the ones that I seem to have stuck in my head constantly, but in a good way. I hum it, I whistle it, I nod my head in a quiet classroom to it when no one else can hear it but me. No matter how I try, I can't shake these songs. So, rather than try to go cold turkey, I embrace the madness. I don't really care, I can listen to these songs over and over again and not get sick of them.

Here is a list of my "Drug Songs" as well as I can remember them:
Current: "The Distance" by Relient K (originally sung by Cake)
"Dream On" by Aerosmith
"Never Been to Spain" by Three Dog Night (I love this one so)
"With or Without You" by Late Night Habit (not originally sung by U2. This is a different song. Completely different. No Bono here. Ever)
"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin
"Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson
"Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys
"Sloop John B" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (originally sung by The Beach Boys)
"The Color Blue" by Three House (originally sung by Three House)
"Straight Up" by Halifax (originally sung by a box of mewing kittens, um, I mean, Paula Abdul)
"Cup of Life" by Ricky Martin (Ha! just kidding)
"Dragostea Din Tei" by O-ZONE (in high school. That kid is awesome!)
"Uyanga" by A-Sound (Mongolian)
"The Distance" by Relient K (just listened to it again!)
The jingle from State Farm Insurance
"Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses
"Chain Me Free" by The Matches
And, last but certainly not least, "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

So there you have it. These are the songs that make up my consciousness most of the time. I love music, but whenever you see me, just make sure you turn off that dang Raffi record.

Old Dog, Old Mistakes

"Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing."

This quote comes from the episode "Homer Bad Man" in Season 6. This is Homer telling Marge that he hasn't learned his lesson about anything following his clearing of a sexual harassment case. It's a great episode from a great season.

It turns out I'm a slow learner. Even about stuff that I'm adamant about learning. That is, I'm a slow learner when it comes to unimportant thing. I have tried to tell people for years that I learned my lesson, and yet I stand here today, realizing I just broke my self-imposed rule about sports: Never, and I mean never, abstain from watching.

If you do not know me, I will tell you that I love sports. Playing sports is fun, but as a physical specimen, well let's just say that when they were handing out muscle, coordination, and skill, I was out taking a whizz. I also like to watch sports; football, hockey, basketball, and baseball, although the last two only if I have a dog in the fight or it is the championship. I like to watch the college bowl games around January because there's often not a lot to do on New Year's Day for me because I don't have to sleep off any hangovers. That, my gentle reader, is where my story begins.

When I was a freshman in college, I was dating a girl who did not care for sports in the same way I do. Like at all. She didn't like to watch football (which I should have realized right there was a dealbreaker), and since we went to different colleges, she didn't even root for BYU with me. She, being a good girlfriend, would watch BYU football games with me, but drew the line there. I, being a good boyfriend, didn't push it.

This leads us to January 1, 2007.

As college football fans will attest, this time is a glorious time for football. Surprising endings, trick plays, underdog victories, and general mirth-making are all trademarks of New Year's Day. And that is exactly what happened this year. Call me a sucker if you will, but I love a good underdog story. Against all odds, one person or group of people rise up to take their spot among the heroes and greats, remembered in history by people who have nothing better to do with their time. It's a part of our national consciousness as well; the Miracle on Ice in 1980, the "Iron Will" race in the 1940s, Rocky Balboa vs. Everyone Who Was Ever in a Rocky Movie. Even the founding of our nation was a group of ragtag misfits coming together to throw off the Redcoats (if I remember my history correctly. Paul Giamatti and Emilio Estevez were involved, right?).

The Fiesta Bowl played that year featured one of these stories: BCS legend the Oklahoma Sooners vs. ragtag group of BCS busters the Boise State Broncos. I really dislike Oklahoma. I don't know why, but I just do. Anyway, my girlfriend came over that night and my dad wanted to watch the game but knew my girlfriend didn't want to. So he went up to watch the game in his own room and left the two of us to watch a movie. I didn't have a team of interest, and I don't like watching Oklahoma, so we decided on the movie 13 Going On 30.

My dad would come downstairs periodically to tell me how the game was going. Things were looking bleak for the underdogs in the fourth quarter, so I was pretty happy to be watching Mark Ruffalo with my girlfriend instead of Oklahoma winning. However, things changed in the fourth quarter. I'll let you read about what happened here. Magically, Boise State came back to win it, and some are calling it one of the best games ever. All the time, my dad came down the stairs and asked, "ARE YOU WATCHING THIS GAME THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!" Upon seeing the movie we were watching, his face morphed into something I can't quite explain. It was a mix between shame, amazement, and that look in his eye when he realizes he can make fun of me forever for something, like the time I signed my first name with a star for the A. I still don't hear the end of it from my dad or his boss.

Right then and there, I decided that I would never miss another game like that again. In fact, come March, I filled out my March Madness bracket and was late to a date with the same girlfriend because I was watching the UCLA-Gonzaga game and didn't want my whole bracket to be upset while I was watching some movie starring Jennifer Garner and whoever is the decidedly sexy male lead. I learned my lesson, or so I thought.

I married a girl who likes to watch football with me. We've even gone to a few BYU football games together and have had a blast. Last night, she really wanted to leave the house and go out. We decided on going to the movie Moneyball. Last night also happened to be a BYU football game against one of our in-state rivals Utah State. This season, I have been very disappointed in the quarterback situation (Sit Heaps! I want Riley!), and I can only take so much disappointment, so I mended my rule and went to the movie. I assumed that either BYU would lose in spectacular fashion like they did to Utah, or it would be close and they wouldn't pull it out. I also dislike watching Jake Heaps throw the ball backwards, so I figured I could go to a movie.

I texted my mom after the movie to talk to her about it. She texted back saying, "You didn't watch the game? BYU just won. Exciting finish." I called her right then and found out that they sat ol' St. Jake, and put in Riley Nelson, who I like. I also found out that BYU's last drive went 96 yards and they scored a touchdown with 11 seconds left to win the game. My boy Riley went 10/14 for 144 yards and two touchdowns and 11 carries for 62 yards, and I missed it. Now, it wasn't exactly the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, but I actually cared about this one. My wife felt bad because she knows my story, but I had agreed to go to the movie and even chose which one to see.

So you can see, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.

Original Material

"When there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope."
"Where did you get that?"
"From the producers of Waiting to Exhale."

This quote comes from the episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" from Season 11, in which Homer takes the family to live on the rural farm where he grew up. In this quote, he is trying to justify spreading plutonium over his crops to get them to grow to Marge. She finds his wisdom comes mostly from movie posters.

Does this sound familiar to you reading this blog? I hope so, it sounds like the whole point of this blog, that I am hardwired to live in this world through the lens of the culture around me, especially the Simpsons. This "talent" of mine, the ability to connect almost any situation to the Simpsons, is a blessing and a curse. It is a true talent, just ask my brother- and sisters-in-law. I gave them a demonstration when they came to visit not too long ago.

More to the point, I would like to discuss the blessing part and the curse part in more detail today. I have already discussed some of the curse part in a previous blog. Sometimes, when I go to make a joke, I fail miserably because the joke is funny to me because I love, know, and understand the Simpsons. Unfortunately, there are very few people like that with whom I constantly associate. Often the joke lands flat on its face.

However, there are a few benefits. For one, if there are people unlike me, when I make a witty Simpsons-related joke, it makes me sound like a comic genius (despite the fact that I have received NUMEROUS indications that I am not). Making people laugh is something that I love to do. So obviously, when I do, it makes me quite happy. So that's one of the benefits.

Additionally, it makes me think in the same kind of "humor vein" that the Simpsons are constructed in. For example, in class, we were being taught commands to type into a computer program to do our homework for us. Part of one of these commands was "llmean." The first thing I thought of, like all of you out there did I'm sure, was that sounded like a clothing store for supervillians. If you're like me, I'm sure that the first time you saw Spider-Man, you thought, "So he went from homemade spider clothes to tights? Where in the world did he get those tights? SOMEBODY TELL ME!"

Well, now it is no longer a mystery. Visit L.L. Mean for all your tights, capes, masks, death rays, flamboyant, impractical spandex needs! Sorry, had to include the add for our new sponsor. Ha! Just kidding. That joke got a pretty good reaction from my friends, and it's thanks to my talents that aren't going anywhere near South Beach.

However, there's another curse. I always feel bad whenever I use someone else's humor or jokes for my own purposes. My professors would be proud; I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I need to site the joke I just made. Well, he laughed. Mission accomplished, but should I tell them that I'm a shameless plagiarizer? Will a cadre of copyright police drop down from the ceiling if I don't spill the beans about how I came up with my line about kangaroos?

Eventually, people figure out that all I'm doing is saying Simpsons quotes. Then, every time I make a joke, they ask, "Where'd you get that?" Most of the time, from the Simpsons, Ghostbusters, Arrested Development, or something similar. But, when it's legitimately something from my own brain fruit, a lot of people think I've taken it from somewhere. A reasonable assumption, but it's times like that when I reevaluate my sense of humor. Am I my own person, or just an amalgamation of TV shows, movies, Internet cartoons and comics, the Mattress Police, and Jason Bateman?

I usually just drop it because I tend to get sleepy whenever I think about self-improvement or change. But I usually just walk away with a feeling of acceptance. I'm alright with that because I'm getting people to laugh. The other day I made my dad laugh without the assistance of the Simpsons, Red vs. Blue, or a blog by Rob Kroese (a difficult task that I've been trying to achieve since the age of six). Maybe eventually I'll develop a style of humor that can stand the test of time and won't fail me in social situations.

However, don't hold your breath.

Let's All Go to the Lobby...No, Seriously. Go.

"Why do you watch comedies if you don't wanna hear more jokes?"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-(Annoyed Grunt)" after some of Homer's new friends say that the jokes he makes in movies aren't funny. This episode is a newer one, but I still like it.

I went to see a movie last night with my wife. The movie we saw is based on a very popular novel. It was quite the experience. I actually got to be in a theater with several people who had obviously never been to a moving picture show inside a theater before. Normally, I would have felt a little privileged to be experiencing something with the first-timers, like when you go to a football game with a small child or when you share the waiting room with someone who has never had a tooth pulled before. However, these people seemed to treat the theater like their own home, which, if true, means I never want to go to their homes.

First, we had a guy who didn't know the movie was recorded (The pictures! They're...coming...alive!). Since this particular movie was based on a very popular novel, a lot of the people in the theater knew what was coming. There was a particular part that people really liked from the book. Well, at this point, the gentleman began to cheer. And whoop. And cat-call and whistle. As if Emma Stone herself were there with us and could acknowledge his creepiness with a smile and a wave. "Woo yeah! Those images up there on that screen are awesome! Go pictures, go pictures! YEAH!" I've always thought that clapping in a theater is a useless gesture, unless the people who made the movie are sitting right there. Applause is primarily a way for the audience to show appreciation for a job well done and to give feedback to the performers. Those moving pictures are not going to bow, smile, wave, and say "Thank You." Does this guy also say nuturing, loving things to photographs of his family? I know the pictures look like your family, but they are NOT REAL. Not real.

But wait, there's more. Next to us was the one thing that drives my mother crazy at the movies. There was...a baby. Not just a toddler, mind you. This kid couldn't be seen in the carrier because it was that small. Now, bringing a baby into a theater is a cardinal sin in and of itself. I do have to make a confession here; my parents took me to see Ghostbusters II when I was ten months old and I'm fairly certain that is one of the reasons I love those movies so much. But, I'm also sure that they didn't CHANGE MY DIAPER IN THE THEATER. Yes, my good reader, this woman changed her baby's diaper in the theater. Where all of us were sitting. Quietly. Not changing babies. Because that's gross. How did I know she changed her baby, you ask? Well, for those who have never changed a baby, there is an unmistakable smell of baby wipes covering another smell that when present, leads to only one conclusion: she changed her baby in the theater. Heaven only knows what she did with the diaper because I didn't see her get up during the movie. That spoiled all my desire to buy over-priced snacks from the lobby.

As if those two weren't enough, we had the Commentator right behind us. I'm sure you've all had this person in your theater at least once. This is the guy who talks about what happens in the movie, just in case there are any blind people in the theater. His comments are often so innocuous and annoying he makes Bill Walton look like as intelligent and coherent as Bob Costas. All throughout the movie, we were treated to "Oh, there she goes!" when a character would go through a door. "Oh, there she is! Look at her!" when a character would look through the window. "Ha ha, that was funny!" when someone would make a joke. "I see what's going on here, she's going to tell the story so everyone else will be safe!" Thank you, Al Michaels. I'm sure all these people here would be completely lost if it weren't for you. It would be one thing if the commentary was something profound, like "the relationship between these two characters is reminiscent of the character growth we see in most po-mo works of fiction." Then I would just think he was a pretentious snob loud-mouth instead of a pretentious idiot loud-mouth. Instead of a good analysis of what's happening, we got the John Madden of movie theaters: "Well, when you have good actors with a good script, that's just good movies happening there." "Oh look there, Boom! that's a good line there." Truly ground-breaking analysis there.

I thought that theater-goers had to pass a test or at least take a class or something. But I guess not. Maybe I should make my own:
1. Which of the following should you say if you see a character on screen fall down?
a. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!"
b. "Whoa! He fell faster than Mel Gibson's credibility!"
c. "Woo! He fell down! Yeah! Woo!"
d. Nothing, you are in a MOVIE THEATER

2. Should your baby require a changed diaper, what should you do?
a. Change the baby in the theater
b. Take the baby to the bathroom to change him/her
c. Just let the baby sit in the dirty diaper until the end of the movie
d. Tell the babysitter to change the diaper because you left the child with one while you are at the MOVIE THEATER

3. True/False: The movie theater is just like your own home and you should treat it as such.

And remember, when in doubt, your comments are not funny.