Overdue Mother's Day Tribute

"You shouldn't have gone away on vacation."

This is a line from the episode "Homer the Smithers" where Homer (deductively) does Mr. Smithers' job of taking care of Mr. Burns while Smithers goes on vacation. This episode has plenty of great lines and sight gags, and it really shows just how old and busted Mr. Burns is.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this line have to do with Mother's Day? Isn't there a better one? How come you're a week late?? Well sir, first off enough of your silly questions. I don't get paid to write this so I'll do it when I feel like it ok? Ok, (sighs) second, the reason I'm a little late in doing this is twofold: One, amidst all the Mother's Day rushing and gift giving and thanking, most likely this post would have gone unnoticed and the work and attention I put into it would have become part of the flower-scented, mushy Mother's Day paste that is the way I try to celebrate Mother's Day. Secondly, aren't we supposed to be thankful to our mothers all the time? This is just a continuation of the gratitude we all showed on Mother's Day. Thirdly, this quote pretty much sums up my mother.

Now let me explain: This quote comes after Smithers goes on vacation and Mr. Burns finds that he doesn't need Smithers to wait on him hand and foot. After Mr. Burns fires Smithers, Homer says "You shouldn't have gone away on vacation." Now my mother is employed at a plumbing office as an administrative assistant. She has it in her head that some day her bosses will see that she is unneeded and she will be fired, just like the quote (Eh? pretty good huh?). She believes that at some point, in order to save money, the company will terminate her position. This, of course, is silly.

She is a great woman who can handle any job she's given at work, can multitask better than anyone I've ever known, and is super creative when it comes to problem-solving. She has been (repeatedly, I might add) assured of her job security by her bosses. Even if she is terminated (which she won't), she would have the skill set to get another job very quickly. This is so typical of my mother. She worries that she is doing a terrible job when in fact she is doing her job better than anyone else could. This worrying helps her to get better and better at what she does. This actually makes her more worried that she'll get fired. Go figure.

I like to think that this is a trait I've inherited. Although with things like this I'm usually wrong. I wish I could have this one, because it's one of the ones I admire in my mom the most. She did the same thing when she was raising us kids. She would think she wasn't doing well, when in actuality she was raising us better than anyone else could have. I'm grateful to her for doing this and wish I could tell her that more.

There was a time when I was in elementary school that my grades plummeted. I still remember that time in sixth grade when my usually prisine report card came home with, well, less than pristine grades on it. It took me a while after talking with my friends to realize that not everyone had a mother and father who would put so much care and attention to their children's academic success as mine did. It worked so well that the next time I saw grades like that was two semesters ago in college, nearly ten years later.

I love you, Mom, and don't tell you enough. You won't get fired unless you call your bosses names to their faces. But keep working hard because you are a great example to us kids.

Oh, and please take vacations. You're running yourself ragged.

P.S. If you are reading this and this shares some of the feelings you have about your mothers, please share it with them.

Bad, Bad Movies

"Hey, didn't you direct A Natural Discretion?" "(Laughs) Well, yes I did." "Pee-yu, you know, I never walk out of a movie, but yecch!"

This quote comes from the seventh season, the episode called "Radioactive Man" where the popular comic book character gets a full-length Hollywood makeover. This quote comes from Homer who begins a conversation with the director of the film and expresses his obvious disliking of the director's previous work. I'm using this quote to inform all (one) of you of my newfound desire to watch bad, shown-on-networks-on-Saturday-afternoon movies.

I must confess, I have some qualifications for the movies I deem "bad." One: They must be trying to be good. This rules out obviously bad yet trying to be bad movies like "Nacho Libre," "Kung Pow," and essentially anything done by Will Ferrell with the exception of maybe "Stranger than Fiction." Two: No children's movies. More often than I'd like to admit, some children's movies are cliched, tired, or complete rip-offs of previous movies. This eliminates them because they will still make more money than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Also falling into this category are disaster movies, although I think some may be qualified as bad. The reason why is the premise of these movies is often completely silly or off the wall, and thus the movie has no chance. Three: I take no account of how well the movies did at the box office. As evidenced by the newly-created "Paranormal Teen Romance" section at the Barnes and Noble I visited today, people (especially tweens) are willing to watch and read just about ANYTHING (although I'm not one to talk; I'm sure there are things that I like but that are just terrible too), completely discrediting the theory that the "customer is always right."

My mother has previously written about this when we lived in Arizona and she contributed to the local newspaper. What inspired her is one film I wanted to mention, "Deep Blue Sea." It's amazingly bad, about super-smart sharks and the underwater research facility that comes under attack. I think the worst part is when (SPOILER ALERT) Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by the shark after giving a rousing speech. You know it's a bad one when L.L. Cool J makes it farther than Samuel L. Jackson. Also making it terrible is campy lines, the "perfect omelet" recipe that MUST be passed on to the world, and laughable special effects.

Next on the list of my favorite bad movies is one that I just watched recently is "The Shadow," starring Alec Baldwin about a man who reforms his life, learns to invade men's minds, and becomes a superhero patrolling the streets of New York. I know, potential, right? Well, the main villian is the last descendant of Genghis Khan who is inventing the atomic bomb (in your face, Robert Oppenheimer) who can also invade people's minds. Now, I'm not too familiar with a lot of Sir Ian McKellan's acting career, but I'm pretty sure this role is a low point. Additionally, when Alec Baldwin meets the villian for the first time, they discuss where to get the best ties on Madison Avenue. Throw in the most campy line of the movie after the villian insults America, "Hey, that's the U S of A you're talking about, buddy!" by Alec, and you have a fantastically awful movie.

Next up, the Cold War flick "Red Dawn." Starring such 80s stars as Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen (fresh from Warlock school on Mars), Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Gray, this film is about a group of high school students who wage guerilla warfare on the Soviet Union following the USSR's invasion of America. Alright idea, poor execution. From the incredibly hokey "catch phrase" of "WOLVERINES!" that the group calls themselves after the high school football team, to the townspeople telling the boys that "I pray for you!" and "AVENGE ME!!", to the final scene (SPOILER ALERT) where a sobbing Patrick Swayze carries his dying brother Charlie Sheen and that sight causes the hardened Cuban colonel to throw down his rifle in disgust. Yes, I am guilty of watching this one several times. It's possibly my favorite bad movie, a guilty pleasure if you will. So you can imagine how incredibly excited I am that it has been remade and will be released later this year!!! As if knowing that this movie needs to be bad, originally the invaders were the Chinese, but had to be changed to the North Koreans for fear of economic reprisals from China. Already this remake becomes even harder to believe than the original!

But you may be saying, "But isn't North Korea more likely than China to invade the U.S.?" And I would say, "They wish." Without delving into politics too deeply, after all this blog is supposed to be a little silly, North Korea is unlikely to stage a realistic invasion of the United States. Anyhow, I have extremely high hopes for this movie, and the only disappointment I have is that it is unlikely to have a midnight opening. I suppose those are only for the Harry Potters, Star Wars, and stupid Vampire movies.

If you have any suggestions for bad movies, please feel free to share them with me. Next on the viewing list, I have "Deep Impact," "Vertical Limit," and "Battlefield Earth." And please, don't walk out on it.