Bad, Bad Movies

"Hey, didn't you direct A Natural Discretion?" "(Laughs) Well, yes I did." "Pee-yu, you know, I never walk out of a movie, but yecch!"

This quote comes from the seventh season, the episode called "Radioactive Man" where the popular comic book character gets a full-length Hollywood makeover. This quote comes from Homer who begins a conversation with the director of the film and expresses his obvious disliking of the director's previous work. I'm using this quote to inform all (one) of you of my newfound desire to watch bad, shown-on-networks-on-Saturday-afternoon movies.

I must confess, I have some qualifications for the movies I deem "bad." One: They must be trying to be good. This rules out obviously bad yet trying to be bad movies like "Nacho Libre," "Kung Pow," and essentially anything done by Will Ferrell with the exception of maybe "Stranger than Fiction." Two: No children's movies. More often than I'd like to admit, some children's movies are cliched, tired, or complete rip-offs of previous movies. This eliminates them because they will still make more money than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Also falling into this category are disaster movies, although I think some may be qualified as bad. The reason why is the premise of these movies is often completely silly or off the wall, and thus the movie has no chance. Three: I take no account of how well the movies did at the box office. As evidenced by the newly-created "Paranormal Teen Romance" section at the Barnes and Noble I visited today, people (especially tweens) are willing to watch and read just about ANYTHING (although I'm not one to talk; I'm sure there are things that I like but that are just terrible too), completely discrediting the theory that the "customer is always right."

My mother has previously written about this when we lived in Arizona and she contributed to the local newspaper. What inspired her is one film I wanted to mention, "Deep Blue Sea." It's amazingly bad, about super-smart sharks and the underwater research facility that comes under attack. I think the worst part is when (SPOILER ALERT) Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by the shark after giving a rousing speech. You know it's a bad one when L.L. Cool J makes it farther than Samuel L. Jackson. Also making it terrible is campy lines, the "perfect omelet" recipe that MUST be passed on to the world, and laughable special effects.

Next on the list of my favorite bad movies is one that I just watched recently is "The Shadow," starring Alec Baldwin about a man who reforms his life, learns to invade men's minds, and becomes a superhero patrolling the streets of New York. I know, potential, right? Well, the main villian is the last descendant of Genghis Khan who is inventing the atomic bomb (in your face, Robert Oppenheimer) who can also invade people's minds. Now, I'm not too familiar with a lot of Sir Ian McKellan's acting career, but I'm pretty sure this role is a low point. Additionally, when Alec Baldwin meets the villian for the first time, they discuss where to get the best ties on Madison Avenue. Throw in the most campy line of the movie after the villian insults America, "Hey, that's the U S of A you're talking about, buddy!" by Alec, and you have a fantastically awful movie.

Next up, the Cold War flick "Red Dawn." Starring such 80s stars as Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen (fresh from Warlock school on Mars), Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Gray, this film is about a group of high school students who wage guerilla warfare on the Soviet Union following the USSR's invasion of America. Alright idea, poor execution. From the incredibly hokey "catch phrase" of "WOLVERINES!" that the group calls themselves after the high school football team, to the townspeople telling the boys that "I pray for you!" and "AVENGE ME!!", to the final scene (SPOILER ALERT) where a sobbing Patrick Swayze carries his dying brother Charlie Sheen and that sight causes the hardened Cuban colonel to throw down his rifle in disgust. Yes, I am guilty of watching this one several times. It's possibly my favorite bad movie, a guilty pleasure if you will. So you can imagine how incredibly excited I am that it has been remade and will be released later this year!!! As if knowing that this movie needs to be bad, originally the invaders were the Chinese, but had to be changed to the North Koreans for fear of economic reprisals from China. Already this remake becomes even harder to believe than the original!

But you may be saying, "But isn't North Korea more likely than China to invade the U.S.?" And I would say, "They wish." Without delving into politics too deeply, after all this blog is supposed to be a little silly, North Korea is unlikely to stage a realistic invasion of the United States. Anyhow, I have extremely high hopes for this movie, and the only disappointment I have is that it is unlikely to have a midnight opening. I suppose those are only for the Harry Potters, Star Wars, and stupid Vampire movies.

If you have any suggestions for bad movies, please feel free to share them with me. Next on the viewing list, I have "Deep Impact," "Vertical Limit," and "Battlefield Earth." And please, don't walk out on it.