Really. The "Libary."

And now, we present to you for your reading pleasure, The Quotin'-ist Blog's First Angry Rant.

"Hi Angel Pie! Can you drive me down to the libary? I wanna rent us up some moovies."

This line is from Lisa, who is imagining herself as a fat slob married to Ralph Wiggum, with several little children living in a shack. From the episode Lisa the Simpson, a great one from Season 9. And now the rant.

I work, for those of you who don't know (or care to), at a public library (the actual library's name will be withheld to protect the fabulous). Whenever I talk about work around my family, they instantly say "Libary" in reference to this quote. This never bothers me, simply because I know they are joking. How do I know you ask? Because they know how to speak English.

Today at work, I was asked by a patron the following question: "I read on my Nook that I can go down to the libary and the libarians would help me download stuff. Can you do that?" It took every ounce of strength in my body not to tell this person to "be gone, lest my cane find your backside." It took every other ounce of my strength not to laugh in this person's face and ask, "You're joking, right? LIBARY!?!" With whatever strength was left in me I pointed her in the right direction (I think. I may have had a mini-stroke). Additionally, she even said libarians, as if they were the inhabitants of the country of Libaria. I wanted to say, "Well, us libarians don't care too much for them fancy techno-gadgery like a Nook or a Segway or a Microwave. You just take your classy gizmos and computer-lernin' on down to the Apple Store. I will help ya fetch some books though." But I didn't.

The Libary? What, is that extra "r" just a little too hard to say? Is there a new linguistic rule that says every first "r" when there are two in a word is silent? Or perhaps that if something is too hard to say when you're yelling at the TV, you can just shorten it to whatever you want? Is "Liberry" the new soda specifically for lawyers that tastes like berries*?

This ranks on par with confusing "your" with "you're." If I look through my sister's yearbook and see one more high school freshman write "your great!" one more time, I will know the public school system has failed. I may have to write back, "Eye now your want 2 go 2 teh libary w/ me. Doo u want 2 go 2mrw?**" It reminds me of those "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches they used to do on Saturday Night Live where Matthew Perry would write down the letter 2 or Minnie Driver would draw a picture of an eye for the letter I. The only difference is, I know most of the freshmen my sister knows will not be famous. Not even Matthew Perry-famous.

I wonder what other grammar problems people who say "libary" have. Do they protest that it is unpossible that they failed English? Do they someday hope to become the Super Nintendo of Public Schools? Is there ultimate dream to go to Bovine University upon leaving high school? When they get sick, do they complain of the bad things they ated? Do they spend their free moments wondering just how alligators manage to alligate?***

So my simple plea to those three people who read this blog is this: Please say "Library" correctly. It would be great if you said everything else correctly, but at least don't say "Libary." If you do, I'll be happy to show you the door and hand you your coat.

Thank you, this has been a Quotinist Blog Angry Rant.

*Get it? It's a play on words: Libel and Berry. Please lawyers, don't get offended.

**Ugh, writing that sentence made me throw up.

***These are all allusions to quotes by the misspeaker himself, Ralph Wiggum.