Really. The "Libary."

And now, we present to you for your reading pleasure, The Quotin'-ist Blog's First Angry Rant.

"Hi Angel Pie! Can you drive me down to the libary? I wanna rent us up some moovies."

This line is from Lisa, who is imagining herself as a fat slob married to Ralph Wiggum, with several little children living in a shack. From the episode Lisa the Simpson, a great one from Season 9. And now the rant.

I work, for those of you who don't know (or care to), at a public library (the actual library's name will be withheld to protect the fabulous). Whenever I talk about work around my family, they instantly say "Libary" in reference to this quote. This never bothers me, simply because I know they are joking. How do I know you ask? Because they know how to speak English.

Today at work, I was asked by a patron the following question: "I read on my Nook that I can go down to the libary and the libarians would help me download stuff. Can you do that?" It took every ounce of strength in my body not to tell this person to "be gone, lest my cane find your backside." It took every other ounce of my strength not to laugh in this person's face and ask, "You're joking, right? LIBARY!?!" With whatever strength was left in me I pointed her in the right direction (I think. I may have had a mini-stroke). Additionally, she even said libarians, as if they were the inhabitants of the country of Libaria. I wanted to say, "Well, us libarians don't care too much for them fancy techno-gadgery like a Nook or a Segway or a Microwave. You just take your classy gizmos and computer-lernin' on down to the Apple Store. I will help ya fetch some books though." But I didn't.

The Libary? What, is that extra "r" just a little too hard to say? Is there a new linguistic rule that says every first "r" when there are two in a word is silent? Or perhaps that if something is too hard to say when you're yelling at the TV, you can just shorten it to whatever you want? Is "Liberry" the new soda specifically for lawyers that tastes like berries*?

This ranks on par with confusing "your" with "you're." If I look through my sister's yearbook and see one more high school freshman write "your great!" one more time, I will know the public school system has failed. I may have to write back, "Eye now your want 2 go 2 teh libary w/ me. Doo u want 2 go 2mrw?**" It reminds me of those "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches they used to do on Saturday Night Live where Matthew Perry would write down the letter 2 or Minnie Driver would draw a picture of an eye for the letter I. The only difference is, I know most of the freshmen my sister knows will not be famous. Not even Matthew Perry-famous.

I wonder what other grammar problems people who say "libary" have. Do they protest that it is unpossible that they failed English? Do they someday hope to become the Super Nintendo of Public Schools? Is there ultimate dream to go to Bovine University upon leaving high school? When they get sick, do they complain of the bad things they ated? Do they spend their free moments wondering just how alligators manage to alligate?***

So my simple plea to those three people who read this blog is this: Please say "Library" correctly. It would be great if you said everything else correctly, but at least don't say "Libary." If you do, I'll be happy to show you the door and hand you your coat.

Thank you, this has been a Quotinist Blog Angry Rant.

*Get it? It's a play on words: Libel and Berry. Please lawyers, don't get offended.

**Ugh, writing that sentence made me throw up.

***These are all allusions to quotes by the misspeaker himself, Ralph Wiggum.

Newspapers

"Sleep Important, Say Experts--Slow News Day Grips Springfield."

This quote actually comes from the Springfield Shopper, the main newspaper that often provides hilariousness...sorry, that's hilarious news, my mistake. This headline is from the episode Half-Decent Proposal where Homer's snoring keeps Marge awake and she becomes sleep deprived. Almost as if on cue (imagine that), this newspaper arrives on the doorstep.

I found this article in real life. Only this one was for a local paper called the Deseret News. The main headline, in bold letters so the whole world could see, and as our old friend Jeff would say "above the fold," was the headline: "Obama Worried About Economy." Really?!? He is? Well then, maybe I should too. You know, with an article this salacious, you would wonder why nobody else picked it up before now. Oh, wait. They did. THREE YEARS AGO.

Talk about a slow news day. When you have to resurrect a story that broke that long ago and has continued to be on the collective minds of the target audience since then, has changed the very makeup of the government, and has been hashed and re-hashed ad naseum for three years, you know you got nothing.

I'm just waiting for the headline after an eclipse: "God Steals Sun-Mayor Offers Sacrifices."

Holiday!

"Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?"

This quote comes from Homer who is teaching Apu about America for his citizenship test from the episode "Much Apu about Nothing." This episode probably makes my top ten list, due to the best opening gag (a bear wanders into Springfield "in search of food or possibly employment"), Homer's logic about the Bear Patrol, and great lines about citizenship and patriotism. Mayor Quimby's line "ducking this issue calls for real leadership" I think sums the current political attitude toward, well, everything. But anyway, it's a great episode.

Since there is a holiday coming up that is one of the most important holidays, I figured that I should blog about it. It is a time where we look at how grateful we are to those who nurtured us, educated us, and gave us a role model to look up to. This holiday brings our attention to someone who protects us and worries us when that person makes silly choices. And someday when this person is old and sick, they'll need those who they raised to look after them. You know exactly what holiday I'm talking about: Flag Day. What, there's another holiday in June? No that's preposterous.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the lesser-known holidays out there: Flag Day, Arbor Day ("the best holiday you've never heard of"-Newsweek), Administrative Assistants' Day (a.k.a. the day the boss comes out of the office and asks why the heck there are flowers on the receptionist's desk), Armed Forces Day (Canada-'nuff said), Boxing Day (the day after Christmas to encourage people to go to the Montero-Valenzeula fight in Vegas), and the ubiquitous National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 it be on the horizon, spotted from the crow's nest, arr!).

These holidays need to be cared for and respected as the...you know what? Nevermind. I can't really type this with a straight face. With the possible exception of Administrative Assistant's Day--which happens to be the day before my birthday--most of the holidays on this list make great punchlines. So there you go, America (or the three people who read this), that punchline is on the house.

May the flag bring you good luck from its thirteen stripes.

P.S. I am aware that Father's Day is in June as well. Post forthcoming.