Foreign Policy TV

"Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so that we don't have to think all the time."

This quote comes from the non-thinking aficionado Homer Simpson in the episode "Bart's Comet" explaining to Lisa that there is no reason to worry about a comet streaking toward Springfield because the mayor has a plan to stop it. Great line. 'Nuff said.

I am currently enrolled in a U.S. foreign policy class, and during the discussion, we talked about why foreign policy is not decided by the people more directly more often. Many reasons were decided; my favorite is another Simpsons' line from Mayor Quimby: You're nothing but a bunch of fickle mush heads! And of course, naturally, as I'm sure you have all done by this point, we discussed what it would be like if U.S. foreign policy was decided by a show like American Idol.

First, let me say that if Ryan Seacrest is involved, I'm out. Get Justin Timberlake to host and I'm there like a donkey eating waffles. Mario Lopez just needs to stay far away too. I loved you on "Saved By the Bell," but c'mon. Sometimes it just reeks of desperation and the failed "Scent of Slater" cologne from the 90s. Seriously, there's got to be at least twelve of those shipping containers packed to the ceiling of that stuff. But, Mario, if it will make you feel better, I'll pay you $20 to come to my house in a brightly-colored tank top and curly-tough guy mullet and you can call me "preppy" all you like. Richard Karn, I have one word for you: No. Just no. Seriously. Leave me alone. I'm also sure I'm not the only one looking for the triumphant return of Kirk Fogg and Mike O'Malley to the hosting world.*

Second, that is impossible. American Idol? Really?!? I don't know about you, but I don't want to get stuck with the policy equivalent of Reuben Studdard (which I'm assuming involves sending millions of cheese steak sandwiches to Africa and apologizing for a lot of stuff in 2004). Worse yet, what if we wind up voting for the policy equivalent of Taylor Hicks: Sure, it's the best choice there, but it is obsolete the second it wins, only appeals to the older generation, most of the population doesn't get it, and creeps just about everyone out, like reviving containment of the Soviet Union?

If anything, the foreign policy TV show should be a combination of American Idol, where people could vote for options and the host is a cute, non-threatening, and tiny, and the Miss America Pageant, where they have to strut their stuff. We can even call it a scholarship opportunity for rising policy-makers and therefore not feel bad that all the contestants are beautiful women that only really represent a small portion of the population! Think about it: Have you ever been frustrated that you can't vote for Miss America contestants? Have you ever sat in your armchair while watching riots in the streets in Egypt and Libya and thought, "Yeah, I know just what to do right now. I'd do a better job too!"? Have you watched Senate confirmation hearings and been like, "No way! You're sitting Jones? She's got the stamina to run circles around these clods and she's totally clutch!"? Well, now you can do all these things in the Miss U.S. Foreign Policy Pageant! Although, these women would now be representing real things, like whether or not to blow North Korea to the Stone Age.

Of course, there will have to be limits on the voters. You know if that goes unchecked, there will be some shading dealings and trolling. "Bomb Israel" will be perpetuated by some mysterious person whose screen name is AQ&OBL4VR (That's the policy equivalent of Sanjaya. Dude would not go away). And of course, the popular site VoteForTheWorst.com would be visited by every Chinese nationalist and dude hiding out in caves in Pakistan that it would probably crash every time Time Urban came on the screen. Be careful if you go to that site; the CIA would probably be monitoring it for violations of the Patriot Act.

Seriously though, stay with me on this. Pulling out of Libya looked really good in the evening wear competition, but really suffered on the talent competition (Libyan traditional dancing doesn't play well right now). Well that's what happens when the competition is this stiff; some people just want it more. What's more is you'll never hear innocuous answers on the interview portion...no, wait, let me get back to you on this one. Then if the winner cannot perform her duties for any reason, the runner-up will take over. That could lead to problems, because what happens if the winner is a softer touch on Chechen terrorists, but she can't fulfill her duties because she's in trouble with a corruption scandal involving a soccer team and an illegal dance club and the runner-up was bomb Chechen rebels into oblivion? By the time the winner was cleared of the charges, there are no more Chechen freedom fighters. Yeah, we'll have to work that one out.

Coming this fall to NBC, it's the latest thing we've thrown a whole bunch of money at to recoup from losing all our viewers, the reality show where you, the uniformed viewer, get to decide the fate of the arms treaty with Russia! From the producers of Friends and 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show comes smash hit to decide the fate of the free world! Ten policy choices compete for your vote on this live thrill ride! Will we intervene in the Greek debt crisis? Where should the next G-20 Summit be held? Should economic sanctions continue on Iran? All this, plus one surprising twist you'll never see coming! Tuesdays at 9/8c, join the nationwide phenomenon that is trivializing the way the world conducts its affairs! Little thinking required!