Let's All Go to the Lobby...No, Seriously. Go.

"Why do you watch comedies if you don't wanna hear more jokes?"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-(Annoyed Grunt)" after some of Homer's new friends say that the jokes he makes in movies aren't funny. This episode is a newer one, but I still like it.

I went to see a movie last night with my wife. The movie we saw is based on a very popular novel. It was quite the experience. I actually got to be in a theater with several people who had obviously never been to a moving picture show inside a theater before. Normally, I would have felt a little privileged to be experiencing something with the first-timers, like when you go to a football game with a small child or when you share the waiting room with someone who has never had a tooth pulled before. However, these people seemed to treat the theater like their own home, which, if true, means I never want to go to their homes.

First, we had a guy who didn't know the movie was recorded (The pictures! They're...coming...alive!). Since this particular movie was based on a very popular novel, a lot of the people in the theater knew what was coming. There was a particular part that people really liked from the book. Well, at this point, the gentleman began to cheer. And whoop. And cat-call and whistle. As if Emma Stone herself were there with us and could acknowledge his creepiness with a smile and a wave. "Woo yeah! Those images up there on that screen are awesome! Go pictures, go pictures! YEAH!" I've always thought that clapping in a theater is a useless gesture, unless the people who made the movie are sitting right there. Applause is primarily a way for the audience to show appreciation for a job well done and to give feedback to the performers. Those moving pictures are not going to bow, smile, wave, and say "Thank You." Does this guy also say nuturing, loving things to photographs of his family? I know the pictures look like your family, but they are NOT REAL. Not real.

But wait, there's more. Next to us was the one thing that drives my mother crazy at the movies. There was...a baby. Not just a toddler, mind you. This kid couldn't be seen in the carrier because it was that small. Now, bringing a baby into a theater is a cardinal sin in and of itself. I do have to make a confession here; my parents took me to see Ghostbusters II when I was ten months old and I'm fairly certain that is one of the reasons I love those movies so much. But, I'm also sure that they didn't CHANGE MY DIAPER IN THE THEATER. Yes, my good reader, this woman changed her baby's diaper in the theater. Where all of us were sitting. Quietly. Not changing babies. Because that's gross. How did I know she changed her baby, you ask? Well, for those who have never changed a baby, there is an unmistakable smell of baby wipes covering another smell that when present, leads to only one conclusion: she changed her baby in the theater. Heaven only knows what she did with the diaper because I didn't see her get up during the movie. That spoiled all my desire to buy over-priced snacks from the lobby.

As if those two weren't enough, we had the Commentator right behind us. I'm sure you've all had this person in your theater at least once. This is the guy who talks about what happens in the movie, just in case there are any blind people in the theater. His comments are often so innocuous and annoying he makes Bill Walton look like as intelligent and coherent as Bob Costas. All throughout the movie, we were treated to "Oh, there she goes!" when a character would go through a door. "Oh, there she is! Look at her!" when a character would look through the window. "Ha ha, that was funny!" when someone would make a joke. "I see what's going on here, she's going to tell the story so everyone else will be safe!" Thank you, Al Michaels. I'm sure all these people here would be completely lost if it weren't for you. It would be one thing if the commentary was something profound, like "the relationship between these two characters is reminiscent of the character growth we see in most po-mo works of fiction." Then I would just think he was a pretentious snob loud-mouth instead of a pretentious idiot loud-mouth. Instead of a good analysis of what's happening, we got the John Madden of movie theaters: "Well, when you have good actors with a good script, that's just good movies happening there." "Oh look there, Boom! that's a good line there." Truly ground-breaking analysis there.

I thought that theater-goers had to pass a test or at least take a class or something. But I guess not. Maybe I should make my own:
1. Which of the following should you say if you see a character on screen fall down?
a. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!"
b. "Whoa! He fell faster than Mel Gibson's credibility!"
c. "Woo! He fell down! Yeah! Woo!"
d. Nothing, you are in a MOVIE THEATER

2. Should your baby require a changed diaper, what should you do?
a. Change the baby in the theater
b. Take the baby to the bathroom to change him/her
c. Just let the baby sit in the dirty diaper until the end of the movie
d. Tell the babysitter to change the diaper because you left the child with one while you are at the MOVIE THEATER

3. True/False: The movie theater is just like your own home and you should treat it as such.

And remember, when in doubt, your comments are not funny.