Let's All Go to the Lobby...No, Seriously. Go.

"Why do you watch comedies if you don't wanna hear more jokes?"

This quote comes from Homer in the episode "Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-(Annoyed Grunt)" after some of Homer's new friends say that the jokes he makes in movies aren't funny. This episode is a newer one, but I still like it.

I went to see a movie last night with my wife. The movie we saw is based on a very popular novel. It was quite the experience. I actually got to be in a theater with several people who had obviously never been to a moving picture show inside a theater before. Normally, I would have felt a little privileged to be experiencing something with the first-timers, like when you go to a football game with a small child or when you share the waiting room with someone who has never had a tooth pulled before. However, these people seemed to treat the theater like their own home, which, if true, means I never want to go to their homes.

First, we had a guy who didn't know the movie was recorded (The pictures! They're...coming...alive!). Since this particular movie was based on a very popular novel, a lot of the people in the theater knew what was coming. There was a particular part that people really liked from the book. Well, at this point, the gentleman began to cheer. And whoop. And cat-call and whistle. As if Emma Stone herself were there with us and could acknowledge his creepiness with a smile and a wave. "Woo yeah! Those images up there on that screen are awesome! Go pictures, go pictures! YEAH!" I've always thought that clapping in a theater is a useless gesture, unless the people who made the movie are sitting right there. Applause is primarily a way for the audience to show appreciation for a job well done and to give feedback to the performers. Those moving pictures are not going to bow, smile, wave, and say "Thank You." Does this guy also say nuturing, loving things to photographs of his family? I know the pictures look like your family, but they are NOT REAL. Not real.

But wait, there's more. Next to us was the one thing that drives my mother crazy at the movies. There was...a baby. Not just a toddler, mind you. This kid couldn't be seen in the carrier because it was that small. Now, bringing a baby into a theater is a cardinal sin in and of itself. I do have to make a confession here; my parents took me to see Ghostbusters II when I was ten months old and I'm fairly certain that is one of the reasons I love those movies so much. But, I'm also sure that they didn't CHANGE MY DIAPER IN THE THEATER. Yes, my good reader, this woman changed her baby's diaper in the theater. Where all of us were sitting. Quietly. Not changing babies. Because that's gross. How did I know she changed her baby, you ask? Well, for those who have never changed a baby, there is an unmistakable smell of baby wipes covering another smell that when present, leads to only one conclusion: she changed her baby in the theater. Heaven only knows what she did with the diaper because I didn't see her get up during the movie. That spoiled all my desire to buy over-priced snacks from the lobby.

As if those two weren't enough, we had the Commentator right behind us. I'm sure you've all had this person in your theater at least once. This is the guy who talks about what happens in the movie, just in case there are any blind people in the theater. His comments are often so innocuous and annoying he makes Bill Walton look like as intelligent and coherent as Bob Costas. All throughout the movie, we were treated to "Oh, there she goes!" when a character would go through a door. "Oh, there she is! Look at her!" when a character would look through the window. "Ha ha, that was funny!" when someone would make a joke. "I see what's going on here, she's going to tell the story so everyone else will be safe!" Thank you, Al Michaels. I'm sure all these people here would be completely lost if it weren't for you. It would be one thing if the commentary was something profound, like "the relationship between these two characters is reminiscent of the character growth we see in most po-mo works of fiction." Then I would just think he was a pretentious snob loud-mouth instead of a pretentious idiot loud-mouth. Instead of a good analysis of what's happening, we got the John Madden of movie theaters: "Well, when you have good actors with a good script, that's just good movies happening there." "Oh look there, Boom! that's a good line there." Truly ground-breaking analysis there.

I thought that theater-goers had to pass a test or at least take a class or something. But I guess not. Maybe I should make my own:
1. Which of the following should you say if you see a character on screen fall down?
a. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!"
b. "Whoa! He fell faster than Mel Gibson's credibility!"
c. "Woo! He fell down! Yeah! Woo!"
d. Nothing, you are in a MOVIE THEATER

2. Should your baby require a changed diaper, what should you do?
a. Change the baby in the theater
b. Take the baby to the bathroom to change him/her
c. Just let the baby sit in the dirty diaper until the end of the movie
d. Tell the babysitter to change the diaper because you left the child with one while you are at the MOVIE THEATER

3. True/False: The movie theater is just like your own home and you should treat it as such.

And remember, when in doubt, your comments are not funny.

Foreign Policy TV

"Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so that we don't have to think all the time."

This quote comes from the non-thinking aficionado Homer Simpson in the episode "Bart's Comet" explaining to Lisa that there is no reason to worry about a comet streaking toward Springfield because the mayor has a plan to stop it. Great line. 'Nuff said.

I am currently enrolled in a U.S. foreign policy class, and during the discussion, we talked about why foreign policy is not decided by the people more directly more often. Many reasons were decided; my favorite is another Simpsons' line from Mayor Quimby: You're nothing but a bunch of fickle mush heads! And of course, naturally, as I'm sure you have all done by this point, we discussed what it would be like if U.S. foreign policy was decided by a show like American Idol.

First, let me say that if Ryan Seacrest is involved, I'm out. Get Justin Timberlake to host and I'm there like a donkey eating waffles. Mario Lopez just needs to stay far away too. I loved you on "Saved By the Bell," but c'mon. Sometimes it just reeks of desperation and the failed "Scent of Slater" cologne from the 90s. Seriously, there's got to be at least twelve of those shipping containers packed to the ceiling of that stuff. But, Mario, if it will make you feel better, I'll pay you $20 to come to my house in a brightly-colored tank top and curly-tough guy mullet and you can call me "preppy" all you like. Richard Karn, I have one word for you: No. Just no. Seriously. Leave me alone. I'm also sure I'm not the only one looking for the triumphant return of Kirk Fogg and Mike O'Malley to the hosting world.*

Second, that is impossible. American Idol? Really?!? I don't know about you, but I don't want to get stuck with the policy equivalent of Reuben Studdard (which I'm assuming involves sending millions of cheese steak sandwiches to Africa and apologizing for a lot of stuff in 2004). Worse yet, what if we wind up voting for the policy equivalent of Taylor Hicks: Sure, it's the best choice there, but it is obsolete the second it wins, only appeals to the older generation, most of the population doesn't get it, and creeps just about everyone out, like reviving containment of the Soviet Union?

If anything, the foreign policy TV show should be a combination of American Idol, where people could vote for options and the host is a cute, non-threatening, and tiny, and the Miss America Pageant, where they have to strut their stuff. We can even call it a scholarship opportunity for rising policy-makers and therefore not feel bad that all the contestants are beautiful women that only really represent a small portion of the population! Think about it: Have you ever been frustrated that you can't vote for Miss America contestants? Have you ever sat in your armchair while watching riots in the streets in Egypt and Libya and thought, "Yeah, I know just what to do right now. I'd do a better job too!"? Have you watched Senate confirmation hearings and been like, "No way! You're sitting Jones? She's got the stamina to run circles around these clods and she's totally clutch!"? Well, now you can do all these things in the Miss U.S. Foreign Policy Pageant! Although, these women would now be representing real things, like whether or not to blow North Korea to the Stone Age.

Of course, there will have to be limits on the voters. You know if that goes unchecked, there will be some shading dealings and trolling. "Bomb Israel" will be perpetuated by some mysterious person whose screen name is AQ&OBL4VR (That's the policy equivalent of Sanjaya. Dude would not go away). And of course, the popular site VoteForTheWorst.com would be visited by every Chinese nationalist and dude hiding out in caves in Pakistan that it would probably crash every time Time Urban came on the screen. Be careful if you go to that site; the CIA would probably be monitoring it for violations of the Patriot Act.

Seriously though, stay with me on this. Pulling out of Libya looked really good in the evening wear competition, but really suffered on the talent competition (Libyan traditional dancing doesn't play well right now). Well that's what happens when the competition is this stiff; some people just want it more. What's more is you'll never hear innocuous answers on the interview portion...no, wait, let me get back to you on this one. Then if the winner cannot perform her duties for any reason, the runner-up will take over. That could lead to problems, because what happens if the winner is a softer touch on Chechen terrorists, but she can't fulfill her duties because she's in trouble with a corruption scandal involving a soccer team and an illegal dance club and the runner-up was bomb Chechen rebels into oblivion? By the time the winner was cleared of the charges, there are no more Chechen freedom fighters. Yeah, we'll have to work that one out.

Coming this fall to NBC, it's the latest thing we've thrown a whole bunch of money at to recoup from losing all our viewers, the reality show where you, the uniformed viewer, get to decide the fate of the arms treaty with Russia! From the producers of Friends and 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show comes smash hit to decide the fate of the free world! Ten policy choices compete for your vote on this live thrill ride! Will we intervene in the Greek debt crisis? Where should the next G-20 Summit be held? Should economic sanctions continue on Iran? All this, plus one surprising twist you'll never see coming! Tuesdays at 9/8c, join the nationwide phenomenon that is trivializing the way the world conducts its affairs! Little thinking required!

Really. The "Libary."

And now, we present to you for your reading pleasure, The Quotin'-ist Blog's First Angry Rant.

"Hi Angel Pie! Can you drive me down to the libary? I wanna rent us up some moovies."

This line is from Lisa, who is imagining herself as a fat slob married to Ralph Wiggum, with several little children living in a shack. From the episode Lisa the Simpson, a great one from Season 9. And now the rant.

I work, for those of you who don't know (or care to), at a public library (the actual library's name will be withheld to protect the fabulous). Whenever I talk about work around my family, they instantly say "Libary" in reference to this quote. This never bothers me, simply because I know they are joking. How do I know you ask? Because they know how to speak English.

Today at work, I was asked by a patron the following question: "I read on my Nook that I can go down to the libary and the libarians would help me download stuff. Can you do that?" It took every ounce of strength in my body not to tell this person to "be gone, lest my cane find your backside." It took every other ounce of my strength not to laugh in this person's face and ask, "You're joking, right? LIBARY!?!" With whatever strength was left in me I pointed her in the right direction (I think. I may have had a mini-stroke). Additionally, she even said libarians, as if they were the inhabitants of the country of Libaria. I wanted to say, "Well, us libarians don't care too much for them fancy techno-gadgery like a Nook or a Segway or a Microwave. You just take your classy gizmos and computer-lernin' on down to the Apple Store. I will help ya fetch some books though." But I didn't.

The Libary? What, is that extra "r" just a little too hard to say? Is there a new linguistic rule that says every first "r" when there are two in a word is silent? Or perhaps that if something is too hard to say when you're yelling at the TV, you can just shorten it to whatever you want? Is "Liberry" the new soda specifically for lawyers that tastes like berries*?

This ranks on par with confusing "your" with "you're." If I look through my sister's yearbook and see one more high school freshman write "your great!" one more time, I will know the public school system has failed. I may have to write back, "Eye now your want 2 go 2 teh libary w/ me. Doo u want 2 go 2mrw?**" It reminds me of those "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketches they used to do on Saturday Night Live where Matthew Perry would write down the letter 2 or Minnie Driver would draw a picture of an eye for the letter I. The only difference is, I know most of the freshmen my sister knows will not be famous. Not even Matthew Perry-famous.

I wonder what other grammar problems people who say "libary" have. Do they protest that it is unpossible that they failed English? Do they someday hope to become the Super Nintendo of Public Schools? Is there ultimate dream to go to Bovine University upon leaving high school? When they get sick, do they complain of the bad things they ated? Do they spend their free moments wondering just how alligators manage to alligate?***

So my simple plea to those three people who read this blog is this: Please say "Library" correctly. It would be great if you said everything else correctly, but at least don't say "Libary." If you do, I'll be happy to show you the door and hand you your coat.

Thank you, this has been a Quotinist Blog Angry Rant.

*Get it? It's a play on words: Libel and Berry. Please lawyers, don't get offended.

**Ugh, writing that sentence made me throw up.

***These are all allusions to quotes by the misspeaker himself, Ralph Wiggum.

Newspapers

"Sleep Important, Say Experts--Slow News Day Grips Springfield."

This quote actually comes from the Springfield Shopper, the main newspaper that often provides hilariousness...sorry, that's hilarious news, my mistake. This headline is from the episode Half-Decent Proposal where Homer's snoring keeps Marge awake and she becomes sleep deprived. Almost as if on cue (imagine that), this newspaper arrives on the doorstep.

I found this article in real life. Only this one was for a local paper called the Deseret News. The main headline, in bold letters so the whole world could see, and as our old friend Jeff would say "above the fold," was the headline: "Obama Worried About Economy." Really?!? He is? Well then, maybe I should too. You know, with an article this salacious, you would wonder why nobody else picked it up before now. Oh, wait. They did. THREE YEARS AGO.

Talk about a slow news day. When you have to resurrect a story that broke that long ago and has continued to be on the collective minds of the target audience since then, has changed the very makeup of the government, and has been hashed and re-hashed ad naseum for three years, you know you got nothing.

I'm just waiting for the headline after an eclipse: "God Steals Sun-Mayor Offers Sacrifices."

Holiday!

"Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?"

This quote comes from Homer who is teaching Apu about America for his citizenship test from the episode "Much Apu about Nothing." This episode probably makes my top ten list, due to the best opening gag (a bear wanders into Springfield "in search of food or possibly employment"), Homer's logic about the Bear Patrol, and great lines about citizenship and patriotism. Mayor Quimby's line "ducking this issue calls for real leadership" I think sums the current political attitude toward, well, everything. But anyway, it's a great episode.

Since there is a holiday coming up that is one of the most important holidays, I figured that I should blog about it. It is a time where we look at how grateful we are to those who nurtured us, educated us, and gave us a role model to look up to. This holiday brings our attention to someone who protects us and worries us when that person makes silly choices. And someday when this person is old and sick, they'll need those who they raised to look after them. You know exactly what holiday I'm talking about: Flag Day. What, there's another holiday in June? No that's preposterous.

Anyway, I'll take this opportunity to give a shout out to all the lesser-known holidays out there: Flag Day, Arbor Day ("the best holiday you've never heard of"-Newsweek), Administrative Assistants' Day (a.k.a. the day the boss comes out of the office and asks why the heck there are flowers on the receptionist's desk), Armed Forces Day (Canada-'nuff said), Boxing Day (the day after Christmas to encourage people to go to the Montero-Valenzeula fight in Vegas), and the ubiquitous National Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19 it be on the horizon, spotted from the crow's nest, arr!).

These holidays need to be cared for and respected as the...you know what? Nevermind. I can't really type this with a straight face. With the possible exception of Administrative Assistant's Day--which happens to be the day before my birthday--most of the holidays on this list make great punchlines. So there you go, America (or the three people who read this), that punchline is on the house.

May the flag bring you good luck from its thirteen stripes.

P.S. I am aware that Father's Day is in June as well. Post forthcoming.

Overdue Mother's Day Tribute

"You shouldn't have gone away on vacation."

This is a line from the episode "Homer the Smithers" where Homer (deductively) does Mr. Smithers' job of taking care of Mr. Burns while Smithers goes on vacation. This episode has plenty of great lines and sight gags, and it really shows just how old and busted Mr. Burns is.

Now, you may be wondering, what does this line have to do with Mother's Day? Isn't there a better one? How come you're a week late?? Well sir, first off enough of your silly questions. I don't get paid to write this so I'll do it when I feel like it ok? Ok, (sighs) second, the reason I'm a little late in doing this is twofold: One, amidst all the Mother's Day rushing and gift giving and thanking, most likely this post would have gone unnoticed and the work and attention I put into it would have become part of the flower-scented, mushy Mother's Day paste that is the way I try to celebrate Mother's Day. Secondly, aren't we supposed to be thankful to our mothers all the time? This is just a continuation of the gratitude we all showed on Mother's Day. Thirdly, this quote pretty much sums up my mother.

Now let me explain: This quote comes after Smithers goes on vacation and Mr. Burns finds that he doesn't need Smithers to wait on him hand and foot. After Mr. Burns fires Smithers, Homer says "You shouldn't have gone away on vacation." Now my mother is employed at a plumbing office as an administrative assistant. She has it in her head that some day her bosses will see that she is unneeded and she will be fired, just like the quote (Eh? pretty good huh?). She believes that at some point, in order to save money, the company will terminate her position. This, of course, is silly.

She is a great woman who can handle any job she's given at work, can multitask better than anyone I've ever known, and is super creative when it comes to problem-solving. She has been (repeatedly, I might add) assured of her job security by her bosses. Even if she is terminated (which she won't), she would have the skill set to get another job very quickly. This is so typical of my mother. She worries that she is doing a terrible job when in fact she is doing her job better than anyone else could. This worrying helps her to get better and better at what she does. This actually makes her more worried that she'll get fired. Go figure.

I like to think that this is a trait I've inherited. Although with things like this I'm usually wrong. I wish I could have this one, because it's one of the ones I admire in my mom the most. She did the same thing when she was raising us kids. She would think she wasn't doing well, when in actuality she was raising us better than anyone else could have. I'm grateful to her for doing this and wish I could tell her that more.

There was a time when I was in elementary school that my grades plummeted. I still remember that time in sixth grade when my usually prisine report card came home with, well, less than pristine grades on it. It took me a while after talking with my friends to realize that not everyone had a mother and father who would put so much care and attention to their children's academic success as mine did. It worked so well that the next time I saw grades like that was two semesters ago in college, nearly ten years later.

I love you, Mom, and don't tell you enough. You won't get fired unless you call your bosses names to their faces. But keep working hard because you are a great example to us kids.

Oh, and please take vacations. You're running yourself ragged.

P.S. If you are reading this and this shares some of the feelings you have about your mothers, please share it with them.

Bad, Bad Movies

"Hey, didn't you direct A Natural Discretion?" "(Laughs) Well, yes I did." "Pee-yu, you know, I never walk out of a movie, but yecch!"

This quote comes from the seventh season, the episode called "Radioactive Man" where the popular comic book character gets a full-length Hollywood makeover. This quote comes from Homer who begins a conversation with the director of the film and expresses his obvious disliking of the director's previous work. I'm using this quote to inform all (one) of you of my newfound desire to watch bad, shown-on-networks-on-Saturday-afternoon movies.

I must confess, I have some qualifications for the movies I deem "bad." One: They must be trying to be good. This rules out obviously bad yet trying to be bad movies like "Nacho Libre," "Kung Pow," and essentially anything done by Will Ferrell with the exception of maybe "Stranger than Fiction." Two: No children's movies. More often than I'd like to admit, some children's movies are cliched, tired, or complete rip-offs of previous movies. This eliminates them because they will still make more money than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Also falling into this category are disaster movies, although I think some may be qualified as bad. The reason why is the premise of these movies is often completely silly or off the wall, and thus the movie has no chance. Three: I take no account of how well the movies did at the box office. As evidenced by the newly-created "Paranormal Teen Romance" section at the Barnes and Noble I visited today, people (especially tweens) are willing to watch and read just about ANYTHING (although I'm not one to talk; I'm sure there are things that I like but that are just terrible too), completely discrediting the theory that the "customer is always right."

My mother has previously written about this when we lived in Arizona and she contributed to the local newspaper. What inspired her is one film I wanted to mention, "Deep Blue Sea." It's amazingly bad, about super-smart sharks and the underwater research facility that comes under attack. I think the worst part is when (SPOILER ALERT) Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by the shark after giving a rousing speech. You know it's a bad one when L.L. Cool J makes it farther than Samuel L. Jackson. Also making it terrible is campy lines, the "perfect omelet" recipe that MUST be passed on to the world, and laughable special effects.

Next on the list of my favorite bad movies is one that I just watched recently is "The Shadow," starring Alec Baldwin about a man who reforms his life, learns to invade men's minds, and becomes a superhero patrolling the streets of New York. I know, potential, right? Well, the main villian is the last descendant of Genghis Khan who is inventing the atomic bomb (in your face, Robert Oppenheimer) who can also invade people's minds. Now, I'm not too familiar with a lot of Sir Ian McKellan's acting career, but I'm pretty sure this role is a low point. Additionally, when Alec Baldwin meets the villian for the first time, they discuss where to get the best ties on Madison Avenue. Throw in the most campy line of the movie after the villian insults America, "Hey, that's the U S of A you're talking about, buddy!" by Alec, and you have a fantastically awful movie.

Next up, the Cold War flick "Red Dawn." Starring such 80s stars as Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen (fresh from Warlock school on Mars), Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Gray, this film is about a group of high school students who wage guerilla warfare on the Soviet Union following the USSR's invasion of America. Alright idea, poor execution. From the incredibly hokey "catch phrase" of "WOLVERINES!" that the group calls themselves after the high school football team, to the townspeople telling the boys that "I pray for you!" and "AVENGE ME!!", to the final scene (SPOILER ALERT) where a sobbing Patrick Swayze carries his dying brother Charlie Sheen and that sight causes the hardened Cuban colonel to throw down his rifle in disgust. Yes, I am guilty of watching this one several times. It's possibly my favorite bad movie, a guilty pleasure if you will. So you can imagine how incredibly excited I am that it has been remade and will be released later this year!!! As if knowing that this movie needs to be bad, originally the invaders were the Chinese, but had to be changed to the North Koreans for fear of economic reprisals from China. Already this remake becomes even harder to believe than the original!

But you may be saying, "But isn't North Korea more likely than China to invade the U.S.?" And I would say, "They wish." Without delving into politics too deeply, after all this blog is supposed to be a little silly, North Korea is unlikely to stage a realistic invasion of the United States. Anyhow, I have extremely high hopes for this movie, and the only disappointment I have is that it is unlikely to have a midnight opening. I suppose those are only for the Harry Potters, Star Wars, and stupid Vampire movies.

If you have any suggestions for bad movies, please feel free to share them with me. Next on the viewing list, I have "Deep Impact," "Vertical Limit," and "Battlefield Earth." And please, don't walk out on it.